When the final chapter of food is written, when human beings move beyond ingesting organic products for sustenance, when taste buds evolve into WiFi hotspots, mankind will look back fondly on bacon. The wonders of bacon will never fade. No successful culture overlooks the infinite possibilities for bacon applications.
We salute bacon and bacon products. We present a tiny sample of the veritable plethora of bacon products available online. Look no further for retail opportunities revolving around the world's most perfect food. With great pride we offer up bacon avatars, semaphores, applications, and implementations. Yum. Resist the urge to eat your computer screen, but give in to the inclination to order bacon-based contrivances from reputable Internet sites.
Bacon Scented Car AIR Freshener Novelty
The simple thought of driving to the bacon store to purchase more bacon becomes much less frightening knowing that your car will smell like bacon the the entire trip. Yes, munching on a bacon, lettuce, and bacon sandwich will make the trip seem shorter, but upholstery infused with bacon-like odors somehow makes the trip even more enjoyable.
Hang this bacon-shaped (genius) device from your rear-view mirror and inhale deeply. Your nostrils will be gently stroked by the delightful sent of bacon. Your clothes will thank you. Any passengers fortunate enough to ride along with you to the supermarket will share in your pork-product nirvana.
Order a bacon scented air freshener for every driver on your gift list. Rest assured that pretty much no one else will be giving these things as gifts, so you will undoubtedly be the life of the party. These amazing inventions also work well in trucks and airplanes, but are not recommended for motorcycles.
Bacon Lip Balm
Lips were meant to bite bacon, but all too often our lips are left out of the bacon-eating party. Yes, all the bacon we eat passes over our lips, but all too soon it ends up in the mouth, well out of reach of the unfortunate lips.
Apply this lip balm to your lips for an instant bacon-blast of soothingness. Your lips will smell like bacon, which may attract too many Hollywood stars and supermodels, but that's a risk you'll have to take. For all those times when you can't actually eat bacon, like swimming and sleeping, this luscious balm offers a satisfying substitute.
Bendable Mr. Bacon
Sure, sure: we know that we're not supposed to play with our food, but it's bacon. Basic rules of polite society cannot be expected to apply to anything that tastes so good and is so good for you. This bacon-like toy provides hours of inspired play for adults and very mature children alike.
Drop this wonderful gift into the stockings of all your Christmas bacon lovers. No one can resist spending a day or three bending Mr. Bacon into strange and wonderful poses. GI Joe never had it so good. For an extra special treat, order a dozen Mr. Bacons and start your own NBA franchise.
We all need a place to store our pocket bacon. Most of the time, simply stuffing our pockets with the stuff tends to be somewhat messy if we are getting married or going on a job interview. Instead of filling your pockets, order up a bacon wallet. This amazing device organizes all your strips of bacon into an easy-to-reach wallet shape.
If you've ever reached into your pocket and pulled out nothing but greasy pocket lint, you can appreciate the importance of a bacon wallet. Your bacon will be flat, clean, and yummy. Well, it's always yummy, so the wallet doesn't add much to that equation. On the other hand, when you're robbed at knife-point you can give up your real wallet and be secure in the knowledge that your assailant won't get away with your bacon.
The Bacon Cookbook: More than 150 Recipes from Around the World for Everyone's Favorite Food
Somewhere in the world a lonely child is growing up without bacon. Perhaps his family has been forced to spend all their money on health insurance or cable TV. For whatever reason, the bacon-less will always be with us.
These people need cookbooks.
In order to fully appreciate the wonders of bacon-inspired cooking, we need to spread the word. This nearly-sacred book fans the flames of bacon adoration with over 149 different bacon recipes. Sure, most of us could come up with twice that many on our worst day, but everyone has to start somewhere. Bacon quiche, bacon iced tea, and bacon ice cream are probably in there somewhere. Get the word out: bacon rocks!
Real Bacon Bits, 3-Ounce Pouches (Pack of 12)
Tiny fragments of bacon goodness packed into vacuum-sealed pouches may seem like the idle dream of overworked sous-chefs, but the good folks at Oscar Mayer have somehow found a way to make this fantasy into a real reality.
Imagine this scenario: you need bacon (it's been at least an hour) but you don't have a fork. Instead of actually having to bite your bacon, you simply tilt your head back and dump mass quantities of bacon niblets into your gaping maw.
It could happen.
Be sure to stow several pouches in your trunk, under the driver's seat, and near the radiator of your favorite automobile. You can't possibly estimate when a sudden need for bacon may emerge. This incredible product fits perfectly into the oft-neglected "emergency bacon" niche.
Fast food will never be the same again. Regardless of the drive-through restaurant you find yourself idling in, you can turn any reheated mystery meal into 5-star dining with a thorough application of bacon bits.
Ultimate Bacon Sampler
We conclude our Magical Bacon Tour with a product that may be named in an oxymoronic manner, but certainly truer words were never spoken. Given that every bacon is, by definition, ultimate, this sampler of bacony goodness lives up to it's label. Every bite is packed with bacon texture and flavor. No gift list would be complete without several of these samplers assigned to every recipient.
Don't shop for sweaters or lame fruit of the month club gift certificates. Reward the most important people on your gift list with ultimate bacon products. They will thank you later, after they've had lunch.