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How I Won The Recipe Contest of June 2012
Before I proceed and answer this infamous question, I will share with you how I was inspired to enter the contest and how I came up with this incredible recipe!
One morning as I was brushing my pearly whites, I thought to my handsome and beyond gorgeous self, "Why should I sit on the sidelines while everybody else works their tail off publishing recipes?" So, I gurgled some water and rinsed my mouth and ran over to the office. While running faster than a Cheetah(Yes I timed myself, I should enter the summer olympics...)on the way to the office, I tripped over the cordless phone. I enthusiastically got up, with one thing on my mind: I will let not anything stop me, I will win this recipe contest if it is the last thing I do!
As I swung open my office door, the cat jumped out and scared the living daylights out of me! But it was all right, because these minor setbacks were not going to stop me or impede me on my journey to fame and success!(Justin Bieber, you had better watch out) I stumbled around the cluttered desk in search for my handy dandy journal so I could jot down ideas for my recipe(yeah don't judge, a guy can journal as well, sheesh people are so critical in today's society...would you like me to critique everything you do?) Anyways back to the subject at hand. As I flipped through my broken-in journal, ideas were flying through my brain at the speed of light, if not faster. How will I accomplish this feat? What will I do my recipe on?
As questions were popping out onto the playing field, faster than I could answer them, a 60 watt light bulb lit up in my head! I know, I will use the recipe I created a few years ago! It will be a shoe-in! This recipe will be a unquestionable success! And not only will I rock everyone's socks off, I will also be making a big imprint on the society for several more years to come. People will be praising this recipe and talking about its amazing goodness til the end of time! My pen was trembling in my hand due to the uncontrollable shock my brain was enduring! But the shock and the trembling was a good thing, because I was going to become famous! I began scribbling notes all of the place, and voila! This beautiful masterpiece came to be!
How I Won: The Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandich
Yes I know what you are thinking...this sounds utterly delectable, mouth-watering, and appealing to the taste buds! But, before the drool gets all over your nice clothes, you might want to run into the bathroom and grab a tissue. Please for the sake of everything good and decent in life, wipe that drool off your face!
All right, strap on your seat belts, and enjoy the ride! For I will now show you how I won the recipe contest of 2012 with step by step instructions and pictures!
- First you must gather together all your ingredients and tools.
- Upon gathering the ingredients, you must open both the peanut butter and jelly. If the jars are closed, it will be rather difficult to make this sandwich.
- Spread the peanut butter on one slice of the bread.
- Proceed to spread or pour the jelly on the other slice of bread.
- You then put both pieces of bread together.
|Serving size: One Serving|
|Calories from Fat||8991|
|% Daily Value *|
|Fat 999 g||1537%|
|Saturated fat 999 g||4995%|
|Unsaturated fat 999 g|
|Carbohydrates 999 g||333%|
|Sugar 999 g|
|Fiber 999 g||3996%|
|Protein 999 g||1998%|
|Cholesterol 999 mg||333%|
|* The Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet, so your values may change depending on your calorie needs. The values here may not be 100% accurate because the recipes have not been professionally evaluated nor have they been evaluated by the U.S. FDA.|
Do not proceed any further until you have read my detailed nutritional capsule! Don't you want to know what is inside this delectable sandwich? Upon reading, you will discover there is a healthy balance of 999 grams of everything! You can't make a recipe with better nutritional value!
- Gallon Peanut Butter
- Metric Ton Jelly
- A Few Loaves Bread
Gather Ingredients & Tools
This first step is probably one of the most important steps to making this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It is oftentimes missed. You must gather all of your ingredients and tools, for one missed ingredient will cause your recipe to be a total disaster! I can not believe how many people forget either the peanut butter or the jelly!
Some important things to note: You should buy a healthy loaf of bread, whole wheat is probably your best bet. Creamy Peanut Butter is the best option for your bread, and a jelly jar you can pour out of will make your sandwich a lot easier to make.
Make sure to flip through every picture in the thumbnail I have conveniently provided to the left...or is that right? I get confused sometimes. Every ingredient and tool is of the utmost importance, from the jelly all the way down to the apron or towel(whichever one is more readily available), for this can get rather messy!
Another crucial step in making this sandwich a true masterpiece is to open up the peanut butter and jelly. I can't recall how many times people have called my customer support number saying they have had problems spreading their peanut butter and jelly.
The conversation goes something like this...(I will use George as my customer)
George(rings in) "I can't get the peanut butter or jelly to come out of the jars?
Me Hmmm, yes that is an excellent question, and do not worry, it happens quite regularly.
George Ok that makes me feel a little better, I thought I might be dumb or something...
Me Oh, well I didn't say you weren't dumb, but we won't go there. The reason you are having a hard time is because you need to open the jars.
George Oh yeah! That makes so much sense! You are a truly gifted chef, and I love your TV Show! Can I get an autograph?
Me Why most certainly! I love giving out my autograph to my dumb fans!(Hangs up phone)
After you have laboriously figured out how to open the jars, you will the proceed to spreading the peanut butter on one of the slices of the bread. This is another step people get confused on. I have had some people call and ask, "Where do you put the peanut butter?" Gee, I don't know, maybe in your hair or your ear?
Notice how focused I look here. 85% of this recipe comes down to your focus. Are you prepared? Have you done your yoga for the day? If you haven't, you better do so, because this is no cushy job; This recipe takes strong will, patience, and determination!
Are You Having Trouble?
If you find that you are running into problems, that is all right. You are about halfway done, and help is right around the corner! I have a customer hotline number to support you if you are feeling overwhelmed.
Pull out that smartphone of yours and dial 1-800-the-chef. That is 1-800-the-chef. We have people who are ready to answer all of your questions. You can call us anytime of day from 530pm-535pm. We provide excellent customer service for three small payments of $967.97! If that is hard on your budget, don't worry! You can pay us over the span of a few hours, we don't mind. We are very flexible and wan't to assist you in every way possible!
If you were able to successfully accomplish step three, this should be a walk in the park! What you will be doing next is spreading or pouring the jelly onto the other slice of bread. You can be creative here and make swirly designs or whatever you want! This is your masterpiece, make it your own!
You are almost there! Can you see the light at the end of the tunnel? Now this part becomes very emotional. Remember how I posted a picture of napkins in my thumbnail? This is very vital; if you forgot to grab some, do so now! The fifth step is to uni...., (Ahem) is to unit..... (Ahem, tears begin to fall...) is to unite (whew I can do this, as I slowly wipe the tears off my face...) is to unite the slices of bread in holy matrimony! (I can hear the wedding bells ringing, can you?)
Step 6 (Optional)
This is totally up to you; I enjoy cutting my sandwich in two pieces. I have no reason for doing so. It is just one of my traditions. Be very careful, so you don't cut off any fingers! If you do however, have no fear! 1-(800) the-chef is also a full medical care clinic! Just give us a call and we will be happy to set up an appointment sometime in the next calendar year. We value all of our patients and succeed in helping them all feel at least the same or worse!
Step 7 (Optional)
Again, this step is optional. But I would highly recommend it! That is to provide yourself with a glass of milk or juice. These delightful liquids will balance out your sandwich beautifully. Kind of like the black stripes and the white stripes on a Zebra. Such beautiful balance and chemistry! Such magnificent symmetry and design! All right, I better stop, or I am going to have to get some more napkins!
How Many Stars?
I want to inform you all, unfortunately, that I have not won the Recipe Contest of June 2012. You can all let out a huge sigh of relief! In fact, let's do it all together, on the count of three! One...Two...Three! There you go, do you feel better now? This was a satirical piece primarily for your entertainment and enjoyment! No, I do not have a hotline customer support number that also provides you with great medical care. No I did not come up with this recipe idea on my own. Sorry to burst all of your bubbles!
A Few Shout Outs
I would to thank all of you who have made this a success. I would like to thank my mom and dad primarily for all of their help and encouragement! I would also like to thank my sister Katie, twin brother Jon, and Susie, Bengi, Willie, And Mandy(my four dogs who have been very loyal to me throughout the years and especially with helping me eat my sandwiches)
I would also like to give a huge shout out to Victoria Linn and Tammy Maticic for helping me into the wee hours last night giving me ideas and encouragement to give this hub a try! Thanks guys a bunch!
I hope you have enjoyed this hub and have had a few laughs! Now, what are you waiting for?! Go make yourself a peanut butter & jelly sandwich and enjoy!
P.S. By the way, I have not ate my example sandwich yet. If you want it, I can ship it up Fed Ex overnight for a small fee of $576,693!