How I Won The Recipe Contest of June 2012
Inspiration
Before I proceed and answer this infamous question, I will share with you how I was inspired to enter the contest and how I came up with this incredible recipe!
One morning as I was brushing my pearly whites, I thought to my handsome and beyond gorgeous self, "Why should I sit on the sidelines while everybody else works their tail off publishing recipes?" So, I gurgled some water and rinsed my mouth and ran over to the office. While running faster than a Cheetah(Yes I timed myself, I should enter the summer olympics...)on the way to the office, I tripped over the cordless phone. I enthusiastically got up, with one thing on my mind: I will let not anything stop me, I will win this recipe contest if it is the last thing I do!
As I swung open my office door, the cat jumped out and scared the living daylights out of me! But it was all right, because these minor setbacks were not going to stop me or impede me on my journey to fame and success!(Justin Bieber, you had better watch out) I stumbled around the cluttered desk in search for my handy dandy journal so I could jot down ideas for my recipe(yeah don't judge, a guy can journal as well, sheesh people are so critical in today's society...would you like me to critique everything you do?) Anyways back to the subject at hand. As I flipped through my broken-in journal, ideas were flying through my brain at the speed of light, if not faster. How will I accomplish this feat? What will I do my recipe on?
As questions were popping out onto the playing field, faster than I could answer them, a 60 watt light bulb lit up in my head! I know, I will use the recipe I created a few years ago! It will be a shoe-in! This recipe will be a unquestionable success! And not only will I rock everyone's socks off, I will also be making a big imprint on the society for several more years to come. People will be praising this recipe and talking about its amazing goodness til the end of time! My pen was trembling in my hand due to the uncontrollable shock my brain was enduring! But the shock and the trembling was a good thing, because I was going to become famous! I began scribbling notes all of the place, and voila! This beautiful masterpiece came to be!
How I Won: The Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandich
Yes I know what you are thinking...this sounds utterly delectable, mouth-watering, and appealing to the taste buds! But, before the drool gets all over your nice clothes, you might want to run into the bathroom and grab a tissue. Please for the sake of everything good and decent in life, wipe that drool off your face!
All right, strap on your seat belts, and enjoy the ride! For I will now show you how I won the recipe contest of 2012 with step by step instructions and pictures!
Instructions
- First you must gather together all your ingredients and tools.
- Upon gathering the ingredients, you must open both the peanut butter and jelly. If the jars are closed, it will be rather difficult to make this sandwich.
- Spread the peanut butter on one slice of the bread.
- Proceed to spread or pour the jelly on the other slice of bread.
- You then put both pieces of bread together.
Nutritional Value
Nutrition Facts | |
---|---|
Serving size: One Serving | |
Calories | 999 |
Calories from Fat | 8991 |
% Daily Value * | |
Fat 999 g | 1537% |
Saturated fat 999 g | 4995% |
Unsaturated fat 999 g | |
Carbohydrates 999 g | 333% |
Sugar 999 g | |
Fiber 999 g | 3996% |
Protein 999 g | 1998% |
Cholesterol 999 mg | 333% |
* The Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet, so your values may change depending on your calorie needs. The values here may not be 100% accurate because the recipes have not been professionally evaluated nor have they been evaluated by the U.S. FDA. |
Look Above
Do not proceed any further until you have read my detailed nutritional capsule! Don't you want to know what is inside this delectable sandwich? Upon reading, you will discover there is a healthy balance of 999 grams of everything! You can't make a recipe with better nutritional value!
Cook Time
Ingredients
- Gallon Peanut Butter
- Metric Ton Jelly
- A Few Loaves Bread
Gather Ingredients & Tools
This first step is probably one of the most important steps to making this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It is oftentimes missed. You must gather all of your ingredients and tools, for one missed ingredient will cause your recipe to be a total disaster! I can not believe how many people forget either the peanut butter or the jelly!
Some important things to note: You should buy a healthy loaf of bread, whole wheat is probably your best bet. Creamy Peanut Butter is the best option for your bread, and a jelly jar you can pour out of will make your sandwich a lot easier to make.
Make sure to flip through every picture in the thumbnail I have conveniently provided to the left...or is that right? I get confused sometimes. Every ingredient and tool is of the utmost importance, from the jelly all the way down to the apron or towel(whichever one is more readily available), for this can get rather messy!
Second Step
Another crucial step in making this sandwich a true masterpiece is to open up the peanut butter and jelly. I can't recall how many times people have called my customer support number saying they have had problems spreading their peanut butter and jelly.
The conversation goes something like this...(I will use George as my customer)
George(rings in) "I can't get the peanut butter or jelly to come out of the jars?
Me Hmmm, yes that is an excellent question, and do not worry, it happens quite regularly.
George Ok that makes me feel a little better, I thought I might be dumb or something...
Me Oh, well I didn't say you weren't dumb, but we won't go there. The reason you are having a hard time is because you need to open the jars.
George Oh yeah! That makes so much sense! You are a truly gifted chef, and I love your TV Show! Can I get an autograph?
Me Why most certainly! I love giving out my autograph to my dumb fans!(Hangs up phone)
Third Step
After you have laboriously figured out how to open the jars, you will the proceed to spreading the peanut butter on one of the slices of the bread. This is another step people get confused on. I have had some people call and ask, "Where do you put the peanut butter?" Gee, I don't know, maybe in your hair or your ear?
Notice how focused I look here. 85% of this recipe comes down to your focus. Are you prepared? Have you done your yoga for the day? If you haven't, you better do so, because this is no cushy job; This recipe takes strong will, patience, and determination!
Are You Having Trouble?
If you find that you are running into problems, that is all right. You are about halfway done, and help is right around the corner! I have a customer hotline number to support you if you are feeling overwhelmed.
Pull out that smartphone of yours and dial 1-800-the-chef. That is 1-800-the-chef. We have people who are ready to answer all of your questions. You can call us anytime of day from 530pm-535pm. We provide excellent customer service for three small payments of $967.97! If that is hard on your budget, don't worry! You can pay us over the span of a few hours, we don't mind. We are very flexible and wan't to assist you in every way possible!
Step Four
If you were able to successfully accomplish step three, this should be a walk in the park! What you will be doing next is spreading or pouring the jelly onto the other slice of bread. You can be creative here and make swirly designs or whatever you want! This is your masterpiece, make it your own!
Step Five
You are almost there! Can you see the light at the end of the tunnel? Now this part becomes very emotional. Remember how I posted a picture of napkins in my thumbnail? This is very vital; if you forgot to grab some, do so now! The fifth step is to uni...., (Ahem) is to unit..... (Ahem, tears begin to fall...) is to unite (whew I can do this, as I slowly wipe the tears off my face...) is to unite the slices of bread in holy matrimony! (I can hear the wedding bells ringing, can you?)
Step 6 (Optional)
This is totally up to you; I enjoy cutting my sandwich in two pieces. I have no reason for doing so. It is just one of my traditions. Be very careful, so you don't cut off any fingers! If you do however, have no fear! 1-(800) the-chef is also a full medical care clinic! Just give us a call and we will be happy to set up an appointment sometime in the next calendar year. We value all of our patients and succeed in helping them all feel at least the same or worse!
Step 7 (Optional)
Again, this step is optional. But I would highly recommend it! That is to provide yourself with a glass of milk or juice. These delightful liquids will balance out your sandwich beautifully. Kind of like the black stripes and the white stripes on a Zebra. Such beautiful balance and chemistry! Such magnificent symmetry and design! All right, I better stop, or I am going to have to get some more napkins!
How Many Stars?
Disclaimer
I want to inform you all, unfortunately, that I have not won the Recipe Contest of June 2012. You can all let out a huge sigh of relief! In fact, let's do it all together, on the count of three! One...Two...Three! There you go, do you feel better now? This was a satirical piece primarily for your entertainment and enjoyment! No, I do not have a hotline customer support number that also provides you with great medical care. No I did not come up with this recipe idea on my own. Sorry to burst all of your bubbles!
A Few Shout Outs
I would to thank all of you who have made this a success. I would like to thank my mom and dad primarily for all of their help and encouragement! I would also like to thank my sister Katie, twin brother Jon, and Susie, Bengi, Willie, And Mandy(my four dogs who have been very loyal to me throughout the years and especially with helping me eat my sandwiches)
I would also like to give a huge shout out to Victoria Linn and Tammy Maticic for helping me into the wee hours last night giving me ideas and encouragement to give this hub a try! Thanks guys a bunch!
I hope you have enjoyed this hub and have had a few laughs! Now, what are you waiting for?! Go make yourself a peanut butter & jelly sandwich and enjoy!
P.S. By the way, I have not ate my example sandwich yet. If you want it, I can ship it up Fed Ex overnight for a small fee of $576,693!
Comments
Congratulations on your Hubbie Award! There's nothing like a toasted peanut butter and jelly sandwich after midnight. voted up!
LOL!!! That was a good way to end of my day reading this - very funny! Thanks for writing such a fresh, funny and entertaining hub - I really enjoyed reading it :)
What's even better is if you add a third piece of bread and toast this one only. Then while that is toasting, put jelly on the other two untoasted pieces of bread. When the toasted one is done, peanut butter both sides of the toast. BEST SANDWICH EVER. :)
Very funny josh :-))). Congratulations!
Hahahahaha!! Very well done satire. Love your customer support hours... errrrrr... minutes. And your fees are entirely in line with tech support these days...although exactly what they are supporting, I'm not sure.
(And I did have a Peanut Butter sandwich earlier; but I make mine with honey instead of jelly...I just love squeezing the little plastic bear.)
Voted up and funny.
Who would have ever thought that it would have taken exactly 9,999 words to describe how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich. Impressive. I will definately have to put this use!
Ironic, while I was reading this I was eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
A delightful hub and a true winner. Great photos too!!
Funny and cute! No wonder you won. XD
Love this very entertaining hub. Chunky peanut butter and jelly is my favorite kind of sandwich, although chunky is much harder to spread:)
Sweet Josh,
Are you nuts? Oh baby, I meant your peanut butter... or is it plain? I just wanna get this recipe right when I try!
Sorry, but the paramedics are on the way... I called 911 before I read your disclaimer. As a nurse, the first thing I checked was your nutritional info. The second thing I checked was my heart rate...I had tachycardia (goin real fast from LOL)!
Voted UP & FAB! Once again, I agree with that "Sunshine Lady"... to me "you coulda been a contender"! Hugs, Maria
HAHAHAHA this was the funniest hub..you should be a stand-up comic..:-)
Josh, Your recipe intrigues me and I would like to give it a try. Before I do, though, I have a couple of questions: Would this work with chunky peanut butter instead of creamy? And if so, would you recommend that I use preserves instead of jelly so I don't throw off the balance of the ingredients? Eagerly awaiting your reply ...
Haha this is so funny! I just ate two pb&j sandwiches today. I prefer white bread though (I know, not as healthy as wheat)..
Voted up and more, as well as shared!
Josh,
I keep wondering why you didn't cut the sandwich equally in half.
This is an hysterically funny Hub. Great job!
I tried to follow your directions...but somehow I got confused and could not get to the end....I am hoping for better luck the next time I try and follow your directions....but then again I am sure you struggled the first time as well....voted up and very funny.
Josh, I am disappointed. You NEVER cut a peanut butter and jelly sandwich! If you do, all the flavor spills out and you have nothing but a mess.
haha this is great!!!!
This is so funny! I can't believe I missed this one before... Love the pics to go along with the steps. Peanut butter and jam is one of my fave sandwiches and now I want one :)
A hilarious hub! You have the gift of humor! I laughed a lot especially at your nutritional table and your step-by-step instructions! So nice of Tammy to help you...She's truly a very encouraging fellow-hubber! Rated this recipe 5 stars! Way to go, Josh! Well-done!
Thanks for SHARING. Funny & Awesome. Voted up
I'm still baffled how you didn't win the cooking contest!! :)
Clever AND funny - a great combination, kind of like ... oh, I don't know.
What a neat idea. Loved It!!!!
Josh my gosh, you are one super funny dude who can write up a storm, what kind of school did your parents put you in, LOL.
Your definitely blessed for sure, and I love your PB&J sandwich recipe so much I'm heading off to the refrigerator right now to make me one. I won't cut it in half though, nah I'll skip that part hehe! I like to take huge chomps when I eat mine.
Awesome photo's and I especially loved the 999 grams part, that was so hilarious, and this hub was consistently funny all the way through till the climax at the end. Amazing!
You know what I'm going to do with this hub here, I don't need to say. Nice!
Too funny, Josh! Who would have thought a simple PB&J could elicit such humor! This was over the top.
I apologize for being so late in congratulating you on winning the Grand Prize in the Recipe Contest for 2012. This wonderful recipe will be bookmarked and referred to for many years to come in my kitchen. I will think of you every time I make this delicious sandwich.
Josh, I am a bit behind on comments! The more you comment, the more you have to follow up. When you are ready to tag-team on a hub, you let me know. Though between the two of us, we may have others reporting to the medical center with hurt abs so you may want to hire some staff first. :p
You funny guy you! Loved the pictures and humor. Here are more Hubhugs for you Josh ... HUBHUGS
Mekenzie
How about a big ol HubHug for Josh, my 600th fan!
This is one of the funniest things I have ever read! Amazing, because I have read lots of funny stuff. Why am I not following you? Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery you know.
Too bad there's no option here for 10 stars, so I gave you only 5. Fantastic read!
My partner just advised that when they were kids, they used to eat peanut butter, jam and honey sandwiches...
One of our restaurants in Central Ohio really does offer a PBJ and some potato chips for $20.00!
Mmmm... now you have let the cat out of the bag... or is that the jam out of the jar... now those 5 star michelin restaurants will be offering this as their dish of the day... and charging $999. Love the hub... although I prefer eating my peanut butter sandwich with honey...
Hi Josh! My p.s. part of the comment didn't go with the submission. What happened here? Anyways, thanks a lot and I enjoyed your hubs!
So funny, I have to SCREAM! I enjoyed looking at your pics over and over, really matching them with what you are teaching the hubbers here for your delightful winning/non-winning sandwich recipe! Hahahaha!!! Josh the Jelly Joker! Good job with this hub, Josh!
Excellent, hilarious hub :)
The blond asks, "did you really win?" :P
LOL! You and RealHousewife should get together and make toasted P&J sandwiches. Thanks for the laughs this was fun!
LOL, you are brilliant! You made a great piece out of something so simple, but enjoyed by all! Voted up for sure!!!
the best part was the customer service phone calls
Very funny, creative, original. I loved reading it. I think you should get the grand prize without a doubt. Your instructions were perfect. I will follow them to a T. However, I will have to use a rice cake since I don't eat wheat. If I run into any problems using a rice cake, I will call your customer service line. Thanks for including it.
Josh3418, you're my hero. If I were not so cruelly bound by the contest rules, I would give you the Grand Prize this very second.
I am still shocked that Suzie has never had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in her whole life. How can that be? I made one but it will take me a few days to eat it. I used the whole gallon of peanut butter.
This is tooo funny. You never know when you'll come across someone who can't make a p&b. If I do, I'll be sure to send them your way!
What a sense of humor--hope your family members appreciate it, haha. Loved the hub . Up and funny/useful and interesting. Oh...yes, I did the 5 star hit. Thanks for making my day more cheerful, haha. P & J sounds pretty good right now. Thank god I've mastered the jars! "I will never starve again!!!"
I did it, bit I like my bread toasted first. The good thing about using a styrofoam plate: cut the sandwich across quickly and you discover that you have sliced the plate, too! Share with your best friend, and you do not need to get another plate. Enjoy together! I really did not intend to slice the plate, so I created a nice ending to take away the feeling of stupidity.
Great hub!
165