How To Prepare An "Unkilled" Hamburger
Where's The Beef?
The recipe is at the bottom but I highly suggest you read the rest before attempting this culinary feat! This is NOT for the timid chef...
As I was sorting through my e-mail this morning, I received something from a friend about "unkilled" hamburger. That was the subject title, "Unkilled Hamburger." Now being the inquisitive frog that I am, I had to take a peek just based upon the subject. I may have brought you here with my headline. Sometimes journalism is like that. When I opened the mail I was a bit surprised to say the least.
Then I got a niggle in the frontal lobe. This might be an excellent Hub if done masterfully. So I gave it some more thought and sat back and looked again. My next dilemma, as I proceeded to this page, was what category did this fit into? It seemed to be a matter of flipping a coin. Was it a political, cooking, hunting, humor, satire or various other choices available to an author. I chose to classify it here like I did. I reckon they can spank me, if they care to, about it.
As I was wrestling with that concept, in the back of my mind I was trying to figure out just how I was going to get that dad gummed steer to hold still and jump in the frying pan without me having to kill it. What you ask? "What are you talking about FP?" might be the question that pops into your mind. Scratch your heads and keep on reading.
It seems that some wise sage out in San Francisco, of all places, wrote to a newspaper column and took it upon themselves to chastise hunters. In their infinite wisdom they said this:
"To all you hunters out there who choose to kill animals for food, shame on you: you ought to go to the store and buy the meat that was made there, where no animals were harmed."
You Taco Bell executives paying attention to this?
Now I'm not joshing. Someone actually penned that statement. The actual excerpt is shown above outlined in yellow and orange. So using that rationale, just trot off to the grocery store and approach the meat department and tell the butcher that you prefer your beef on the unkilled side so that no animal is harmed. Then see what kind of look you get! Don't be at all surprised if, after having said that, when the men in white coats show up with the butterfly nets to catch your dumb self.
As I was contemplating how to cook a hamburger that was unkilled meat (those steer have a tendency to get a little more than testy about this) , the political side of me took over again. Which begat a few questions. First was, "Isn't San Francisco in Pelosi's district?" Then it dawned on me how she keeps getting returned to office. Next was the frightening question of whether people like this are allowed to drive! Even more scary was the prospect that they can vote!
So here's the recipe:
1 Uncooked Head Of Beef And A Sizzling Skillet
1 Dash Of Complete Insanity And A Total Lack Of Common Sense
1 Set of Gonads That Would Make Hercules Proud
And At Least 1 Gold Medal In The Steer Wrestling Event
Have at it. But don't say I didn't warn you about the perils of eating an unkilled hamburger. Lets us all know how you got that critter to hold still, ya hear?
Now let us bow our heads in prayer...