How To Stop Annoying Your Chain Restaurant Bartenders
And Be a Better Person
Do you go to bars? Do you know when you're annoying the bartender? Here's a list of things that drove me crazy when I worked on the bar at Uno's.
1. Upon ordering a drink, I'm going to put down either a bev nap, or coaster. I don't know if you think it's a game, or not, but I really want to put your drink down on that coaster, so please don't pull it away as I try to set your drink down. If there is something so Earth-shatteringly interesting written on that coaster, read it after I've left.
2. Honest to God, this happens constantly, like a phenomenon, and I don't know why this happens. There could be an entirely empty bar and you'll come in and sit at the one place at the bar that has dirty glasses on it. I was going to clear away those glasses eventually, now that you're sitting there, I have to clear them away right now. If you want a drink right away, don't sit in front of dirty glasses. However, if you'd rather wait for me to clear the glasses, put them in the dishwasher, then wipe down the bar top... then by all means...
3. When I ask your name for the tab, please don't look at me like I'm Joe McCarthy. I don't want your social security number, or your mother's maiden name. I just want to distinguish your tab from other tabs. And, it's nicer than saying 'Red Sox Cap to the Left'. We're in a temporary casual relationship, a give and take: I give you drinks then take your money. I should know your first name.
4. And I tell you my name for a reason. So when you need me, you can say it. Never, under any circumstances, call me Ma'am. I know you might be from the south, and that's how you address ladies down there, but up here, it's rude. And for obvious reasons I'm not even going to discuss whistling, waiving and snapping. Plus, I just told you my name. You should learn how to retain important information. However, should you forget, 'Gorgeous' will do just fine.
5. Now that we're on the subject of my name... It's Andi. Just Andi. No need to ask if that's my real name, or what it's short for, or remind me that it's a boy's name, or tell me it's weird. Just take Andi at face value, please.
6. Also, I'm good at eye contact. If you've established eye contact with me, I'll remember you and your place in line. Be not afraid that you'll never get your drinks, rest assured, if you're patient, they will come. It's just that you're not the only one here, and I'm making these other drinks, and all that shifting and leaning you're doing to get my attention is just a waste of energy.
7. Peanuts. I hate, hate, hate peanuts. If you ask for peanuts I will give you two baskets: one filled with peanuts, and one empty one. Now tell me, what do you think the empty basket is for? Shells, dear. If you can't grasp the concept of cracking open the peanuts over the empty basket, maybe you're not ready for such a complicated task. And lets not be a slob with any food. Keep all of your food on your plate. You'd think I didn't have to remind adults that but I do. Your pile of chicken bones are gross, and keeping people away, and that means you're costing me money.
8. If you don't have a tab, and you ask for water, you should tip me for the water, it's not like I don't have anything better to do than fetch you a glass of water.
9. When you ask for "house" or "well" I automatically hate you. Also, if you're ordering for someone else, and designate their drink to be made with the house liquor, then get a patron margarita for yourself, you should be ashamed.
10. I did not short you liquor. If anything, I'm a heavy pourer. I gave you what the state of Massachusetts allows me to give to you. If you want more, buy an extra shot you cheap bastard. Funny thing is, this usually happens when the alcohol in question is expensive, which tells me that you're not used to the smoothness of a top shelf liquor. Please graduate to gown up drinks and stop complaining.
11. When I'm balancing martinis, or otherwise have my hands full, now is not the time to demand I change the tv channel. In fact, never is a good time to demand anything at my bar, no matter who you might think you are.
12. When you arrive at my bar, and I promptly ask you what you're having, if you're not sure, a simple, "I'm not sure, I'll let you know when I'm ready" will do instead of staring at me like a deer caught in headlights, while you contemplate for an eternity, while finally coming up with a Rum and Coke. For Christ's Sake! Don't you know what you like to drink!? Oh, hey I know, ask me what I'm good at making. Take a risk, you never know, you might like it.
13. Hi. Let's not talk about religion and politics at my bar. It usually ends badly.
14. This is MY bar, not YOUR office. This means the stool you're sitting at and the space directly in front of you is all yours. So no stretching out 4 sections of a newspaper and then hiding behind a laptop while talking loudly on your cell.
15. Hey there, young person, I like you, and your friends like you too, therefore there is no reason to drink yourself into a stupor to prove anything. Drinking yourself into a stupor will make me and your friends hate you. And tomorrow you'll hate yourself... so lose/lose, right? Make better life choices.
16. The answer is "no" to all of these questions: Can I get a free one? Can I get your number? Will you drive me home? Did you make a mistake on my tab? Will you tell my wife I'm not here? Can I leave you coupons for a tip? Can I tell you about a time share? Can you make a Flaming Moe? Can I get ice for my red wine? Do you want to talk about it?
17. It's my job to flirt with you. I've mastered the art of eyelash batting for a reason, I want you to come and sit at my bar rather than bar down the street. That doesn't mean I want to suck your dick. Just always remember that.
18. Hey Ladies! I know you're bummed out that I'm not some strapping young lad, but I do make really good drinks, so don't be all pussface all night. I could flirt with you too if you're into that sort of thing, just remember I'm not going to orally satisfy you either.
19. Just because you're a regular doesn't mean you have to lowball me on the tip.
20. Above all, you know what would be marvelous? Pleases and thank yous. That's it. If you come in and you're polite and easy-going, you will never have to wait for an amazing drink.