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Hey Top Chef! Salmon Do Not Have Loins!

Updated on March 15, 2011

I don't care what Top Chef says! You need legs to have loins!

Photo credit: / CC BY-SA 2.0
Photo credit: / CC BY-SA 2.0

If Salmon have loins then obese monkeys swim the English channel!

I don't know what kind of fish Top Chef is eating, but the kind I eat, don't have loins!

My family and I came down with a bad case of cable television last night. We watched all manner of programming and it reminded me how low grade the writing is, like ground round left in the sun too long. It's a real circus of bad puns and melodrama out there in t.v. land!

Anyway, we watched an episode of Top Chef (where the writing, like the food prepared, is at least a bit more adventurous) one of the contestants, an aspiring world class chef named, "Michael" was talking about the use of Salmon loins. This got me thinking, how the hell can salmon have loins?

I referred to the king of meaning in our abode, The American Heritage Dictionary. It states:

loin n.1. Anat. The part of the side and back between the ribs and the pelvis. 2. A cut of meat taken from the loin of the animal. 3. loins. a. The region of the thighs and groin. b. The reproductive organs.

Now you're telling me, that on Top Chef they're serving a delicate melange of capers, dill and fish wanker! Really?! Also, how big can "the region of the thighs and groin" be on a salmon! Two fleas elbows?! For that matter, what does a salmon thigh look like? Do they chafe? I would love to see the look on a waiter's face at a fine dining restaurant if asked for their best cut of trout pelvis. Oh oh, wait sir! Could you also give me a full rack of flounder ribs? Thanks, yum.

I know there's some holier-than-thou Top Chef Supertaster out there who's going to disagree with me. World renown chefs, critics and foodies will be up in arms, protesting the existence of the delicacy of the loin of the sea! My apologies, but no fine bottle of Terlato Vineyards Wine will make a fish loin taste good to me! And I eat Ikura!

Top Chef, you gotta pack up your knives mon fraire! There's contrary then there's salmon loins, make mine rare!


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    • Ben Zoltak profile imageAUTHOR

      Ben Zoltak 

      9 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA

      Thanks Niteriter, the ovens of my mind more oftener than not turn out cabbage pirogi, but when they cook somthin' good, it's tasty. Thanks again for the kudos, now can I stay away from the siren song of the cathode ray tube in the next room...

    • Niteriter profile image


      9 years ago from Canada

      A bad case of cable television, huh? You always make me laugh out loud. Reading your Hubs beats watching TV any day of the week! This is another tasty morsel from the ovens of your delightful mind.

    • Ben Zoltak profile imageAUTHOR

      Ben Zoltak 

      9 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA

      Thanks GL! Feeling bad about the t.v. comment now, oops! It's not that it's all bad, we just haven't had t.v. in our house for over six months so we all been reading. Going back to t.v. I notice the contrast in quality! Wish I could take credit for the photo but it was taken by one Katzen Finch from the site, it was labeled for commercial use if you give credit to the site and photographer, it made me laugh when I saw it! Have I watched your scripts come on the small screen before GL? In another life I used to watch a lot of t.v.

      Thanks for the kudos!


    • Green Lotus profile image


      9 years ago from Atlanta, GA

      As a Top Chef fan and former writer of 6th grade level TV scripts I applaud your Hub! Love the photo of Mr Salmonhead too. (you are a true artiste). You know, I do believe top chef has a message board on their site...hmmmm.


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