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Satire - Splatburger

Updated on May 9, 2015

Splatburger Premise

Patties
Patties

The Founders

We interviewed the co-owners of Splatburger and Sid (co-owner with his wife) had this to say.
My wife and I invented Splathburger. We had tried the usual hamburgers -- the chains and the restaurants, and decided, we could do no worse. So yes, it is no giant secret, we scoured the roads for what is often just referred to as "road kill." Where most people simply grimace and drive on, we decided that this was free meat for the pick-up.


Sometimes we have to use a spatula to scrape the meat (or "road kill") off the street. And let me remind you that this does involve a certain amount of danger. Stopping your car on a busy road or highway always brings a certain danger. We have become more aware of this and now place orange cones around our car and our potential Splatburger. We've become very proficient in the entire process of recognizing food left on a highway, setting out cones, scooping up our discovery into a zip-lock bag then heading onward.

On the Highway

Miles and Miles of Nothing
Miles and Miles of Nothing

The Process

Once back in the kitchen, we tried a wide variety of spices to enhance (some would say disguise) the aroma and flavor of our meat. For those who must know, we suspect, but cannot be fully certain that most of our meat consists of possums, rabbits, squirrels, a few deer, raccoon, some birds, some snakes and lots of cats. There is some dog meat, yeah sure, but not so much. Some stuff is just plain unidentifiable. And we label it as such. We have been criticized for using skunk meat. This is nothing but slander. We have never figured out a way to render skunk meat palatable despite whatever seasonings. It is an impossibility. My wife and I have tried everything in our cook book to offer skunk to the public, but we've never been able to accomplish this -- despite a great quantity of skunk meat laying waste on our roads.

Making Meat Palatable

In the Kitchen
In the Kitchen

You Get What You Pay For

Some people have had the audacity to say that we over-charge for a simple burger. (Laughing) There is nothing simple about our burgers. We take risks to collect our meat -- it's never frozen. We have to spend money on gas to cover the highways in search of a clutch. Fishermen know what this is like. Some days you go out and net a bunch of expensive fish, while other days you go out to sea and come home with nothing. You have to factor all of this into your entrée pricing. So, if our prices seem extreme, you are not looking at the entire process.


And yes, the government is always on our tail. For that if no other reason, we are probably the only restaurant that actually uses a thermometer on each and every patty to ensure the meat is thoroughly cooked and unable to harbor any harmful bacteria. Based on customer feed-back, we have learned that they prefer Splatburgers with fur rather than without, so now we just give them what they prefer -- makes sense, doesn't it?

Raw

It's There For the Taking
It's There For the Taking

Big Burgers vs. Authentic

Some outfits offer hamburgers that are ten feet tall. They say that if anyone can finish one of their jumbo-burgers and stand living, he or she doesn't have to pay for it. To me this is absurd. Who can eat more than their own body weight? You see that's a gimmick. We don't have any gimmicks. Our prices are higher than the chains, yeah sure. But, we aren't offering the same old thing. This will always be a niche business, and that's fine with us. We are happy this way. We don't want to become a corporation or a franchise. This is what used to be termed a "mom and pop" business, and we wouldn't have it any other way.

Massive Burgers
Massive Burgers

No Mystery

Yeah sure, we could have started out calling ourselves mystery burger or something like that, but no, we wanted to be upfront and honest with our customers -- and they appreciate that about us. To the best of our knowledge, given the remains, we tell them exactly what they are getting. And we don't kid ourselves. We know that our clientele are basically adventure-food seekers. And this is why we know we cannot become a chain -- even though we receive a ton of applicants who are willing to drive the highways.

The Real Thing
The Real Thing

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