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There’s no such thing as a cran-acai

Updated on March 5, 2015

Overachievers have always intimidated me. You know the type – the high-powered executive soccer mom with the four honor roll kids, who still has time to bake cookies for her son’s Boy Scout troop’s bake sale, makes homemade dog food for her designer dog, and still has time to visit her mother every Sunday. Juggling the normal pressures of family, life, work, isn’t enough for her?
As annoying as over achieving people are, over-achieving foods are even worse. Raisins. Sour Cream. Yogurt. Cranberries.

I hate raisins.

First of all, what is wrong with being a grape? I like grapes. They are sweet, plump, portable and delicious. In the summer, you can put them in the freezer for a wonderful burst of coldness on a hot day.
Why would any self-respecting grape want to be a raisin?
A raisin is just a grape that didn’t have the foresight to get out the sun, becoming a shriveled up, wrinkled shadow of its former self. Also, I do not think it is a good idea to eat food that has turned black. I’m just saying…

Raisins, please stay out of my desserts. Oatmeal cookies are just fine without you. You just come along and ruin it. Why can’t I just get Rum Ice Cream? Why is Rum Raisin? And stay out of my cereal, too!
Now, I can understand why a grape, or a bunch of grapes for that matter, would want to become wine. Wine is glamorous. Wine gets to go to all the parties where the beautiful people go. Well, unless you are cheap wine and then you get to hang out with a completely different socio-economic group.

Hard working dairy

I love milk. I could drink milk by the gallon. Nothing is better than an ice-cold glass of milk. Whole Milk. Organic Whole Milk – pasteurized but not homogenized, and free of antibiotics and bovine growth hormone – is dairy nirvana as far as I am concerned. Cream is good, too. Cream in my coffee. Cream in my mashed potatoes. Cream in the sweet potato soufflé. Heavy whipping cream beaten until it is light and fluffy, perfect for your pumpkin pie.
Then there’s Sour Cream. Sour and cream do not belong that close together. Cream is supposed to be, well, creamy not sour! Keep your sour cream off my potato! Butter is good. Butter is another good form of milk. Successful, but not overachieving.
The only place sour cream belongs is in my triple chocolate cheesecake recipe. It gives it that little bit of tartness that balances the sweetness.
Of course, there is yogurt, an overachiever of the milk. With its active “beneficial” bacteria. “Beneficial Bacteria?” Sounds like an oxymoron to me.
Ice cream and cheese are just examples of hardworking milk. Not overachieving milk. Ice cream and cheese are blue collar, for the most part. There are a few over achieving cheeses like gorgonzola and blue cheese. Sorry, I don’t want penicillin on my food, thank you very much.


They just have to be in everything!
They just have to be in everything! | Source

That Bully! The Cranberry.

Last, but certainly not least, are cranberries. Cranberries have to be the most egotistical fruits on the planet. Cranberries are quite lovely with their rich “cranberry” color and look fantastic in flower arrangements. Cranberries have their place at Thanksgiving and Christmas. An orange-cranberry muffin is a nice change from the usual bran, banana nut and blueberry varieties. Cranberries can be manipulated into wonderful garnishes, Christmas tree garland, and of course strung with popcorn for decorating outside trees and bushes from which winter wildlife can feast. Cranberry juice is crisp, light, and very good if you have a bladder or kidney infection.
Somewhere along the line, Cranberry got a little full of itself and started muscling its way into other juices – Cran-apple, Cran-grape, Gran-raspberry, Gran-blueberry, and not to be outdone by the mature cranberry with its perfect cranberry color, along came White Cranberry. White Cranberry Juice. Then, before you can say, “All – I –want-is-some-normal-grape-juice” along comes White Cran-Grape.
A white cranberry is just a cranberry that was picked to soon.

Oh, that's what it is...

Oh, so it does grow on trees.
Oh, so it does grow on trees. | Source

What the heck is acai?

Recently, there has been a lot of things on the grocery store shelves with something called Acai, pronounced a-sigh-ee. It says it’s a fruit. A berry, to be precise. Where did this Acai come from? What do we know of its background? Has anyone ever seen one? Does it grow on a vine? A bush? A tree? In a mad scientist’s lab?

Supposedly, it's a miracle berry that makes you lose weight. Clever marketing on the acai's part.

I just don’t trust it.
Well, all this writing has made me thirsty. Where’s my acai grangrape blueberry smoothie?


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