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Those Dangerous Modern Kitchen Appliances Are After Me

Updated on September 3, 2013
White House Kitchen.  Original copyright 1901, by Dr. G.W. Bell.
White House Kitchen. Original copyright 1901, by Dr. G.W. Bell.


While modern kitchen appliances have made many of our culinary creating efforts easier, there’s a dark side to such convenience. Besides the occasionally unreliable nature of these devices, they sometimes have a mind of their own.

I’m sure you’ve experienced the misfortune of burnt toast, or blender contents being tossed back at you… You just can’t be too careful with these recalcitrant modern kitchen appliances. So let’s have a bit of fun with them shall we…

Really…I can’t imagine what I’ve done to deserve this. It’s not like I’ve been neglecting these modern age devices. I clean that stove regularly, I wipe that goo off the fridge handles all the time. Lately, it seems though, I’ve been getting major league backlash from these normally docile, inanimate shiny beasts. While I toss and turn in a fitful sleep, I'm convinced..they sit there..plotting and scheming...lurking in the shadows cast by that ominous moonlight.

Beware the Ides of Fridgedom

Why..just the other day I was scolded by the fridge, [in no uncertain terms, I might add], about that long burned out bulb which normally illuminates those many items that probably expired long before the bulb itself.

Alright…so I deserved to be reprimanded. But it’s Sunday, and the hardware store is closed (that’s my excuse today, and I’m sticking to it!). Of course tomorrow being Monday, I’ll have too many other important things to do, such as:

  • find a new piece of cardboard to put under that kitchen table leg
  • get out that level, and make sure all the pictures on the living room wall are ‘perfect’
  • find the remote for the cable tv box so I can finally get to watch that darts tournement on ESPN2
  • rotate the bedroom carpet, so those stains are underneath the bed.
  • get some exercise…

Danger, Will Robinson...Danger!
Danger, Will Robinson...Danger!

Not forgetting the dishwasher...

Oh, good lord...don’t get me started on that dishwasher. Nope....you can’t fool me…I know what evil is lurking beneath all that gleaming stainless steel. I’ll bet it doesn’t like those mustard yellow plates I got from my mother-in-law last Christmas. Come to think of it, I don’t either.

I know one of these days, one of those plates with the immaculately hardened egg residue is going to be ejected at me at the speed of light, the very next time I dare open the door.

…And these kitchen hazards don’t stop there.

Toasters are sneaky and underhanded. Mark my word. Get this…just this morning the toaster refused to stop burning the toast, despite my repeated requests to cease and desist. I hate that.

Ok..maybe I was distracted by the creepy noises the fridge makes. Maybe I should have used whole wheat bread. That damn toaster’s probably on a health kick this week. Not enough Omega-3 for ya huh? Why you little...

Kitchen hazards safety poll

Are you afraid of modern kitchen appliances?

See results

Just an ordinary kettle? Think again…

Oh yes, there is of course the ubiquitous kettle. You’re probably thinking..what harm is there in a simple kettle? Plenty, my friend. You have no idea what a kettle’s likely to do in protest, if you haven’t cleaned those calcified deposits from the bowels of kettledom.

Those deposits are marshalling forces as we speak, getting ready to infiltrate that next cup of tea..laughing as they crawl into the cup, hitherto unnoticed.


Don’t touch that blender

Uh-uhh..you don’t want to mess with that blender. This most dangerous of kitchen hazards delights in swallowing any old spoon or spatula that you might think was handy for such things. Then it regurgitates its contents all over you and your countertop. Such insouciance.

Oh yes, and that microwave oven is of course the real sly fox. Oh I can see it there now…lurking silently on the countertop, just waiting to blow something up! Especially if I don’t press the right buttons. Chicken shrapnel, anyone? Why I oughta…

Be ever vigilant, my friends…or pay the price

Yes my friends, your kitchen is not the clean, gleaming, shiny, welcoming place it once was. There's untold evil lurking behind every unclaimed crumb..every spilled bit of tomato sauce..and all those dust balls behind the fridge.

You must remain vigilant. These modern kitchen appliances are wont to rise up and mount a full-scale mutiny, if you aren’t prepared to keep them spotless, and in perfect working order.

Don't try this at home...

You’ve been warned!

P.S. Watch the videos if you can...they're a hoot!


This article ©2010 by timorous+

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    • timorous profile imageAUTHOR

      Tim Nichol 

      6 years ago from Me to You

      Hello Jama. Thanks for laughing all the way through. I had fun writing this one..just for a laugh, and a Hubpages contest. Thanks for the votes, as well. Cheers.

    • JamaGenee profile image

      Joanna McKenna 

      6 years ago from Central Oklahoma

      Drats! What a cruel joke of the cosmos to lead me to this hub just when I thought it was safe to go into the kitchen again...

      Seriously now, this is totally hilarious! I laughed all the way through it! Perhaps because my blood is 90% Brit?

      Voted up and funny (only because HP won't change the category to "hilarious")! ;D

    • timorous profile imageAUTHOR

      Tim Nichol 

      8 years ago from Me to You

      Right you are nicomp. Besides, once it's toasted, all bread is brown (at the very least).

      Thanks for the return visit. Bet you can hardly wait for the contest results...

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 

      8 years ago from Ohio, USA

      We all need a workhorse toaster. One never knows when legions of gluten-tolerant breakfast clubbers will stop by for browned bread.

      Great hub!

    • timorous profile imageAUTHOR

      Tim Nichol 

      8 years ago from Me to You

      Well, hello lorlie. Thanks for the comps. Glad to see you taking a pro-active, safety first approach to all things kitchen.

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 

      8 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      You've done quite an admirable job here, timorous! I won't be approaching my appliances with that innocent joie de vivre that I once did.

      Nice job!

    • timorous profile imageAUTHOR

      Tim Nichol 

      8 years ago from Me to You

      Hey Beth..so glad you had the nerve to enter my Dangerous Kitchen. Haha..I love those old toasters. Happy that you had a good laugh too. Cheers :)

      Hi mythbuster. Thanks. It's always great to make everyone laugh. I'm glad you LYAO from the videos. So did I...

    • mythbuster profile image

      mythbuster 

      8 years ago from Utopia, Oz, You Decide

      OMG @ "Strong as Steel." Great hub - going to laugh about this content for quite some time. Nice banned Ikea commercial, too.

    • Beth100 profile image

      Beth100 

      8 years ago from Canada

      That toaster of yours....pretty old and creaky! Maybe it needs a quick spark from the Pretty in Pink one to give it the flame of love to burn your toast again. Ha, you are a crazy Canuk, eh!

    • timorous profile imageAUTHOR

      Tim Nichol 

      8 years ago from Me to You

      Right you are wordscribe. All the consummate skill in the world won't account for any number of appliances having their way with you at any given moment. Thanks for having a fun read.

      At the risk of reducing my chances at a Blizzard..good luck to you in the contest. May the best Hubber win..

    • wordscribe43 profile image

      Elsie Nelson 

      8 years ago from Pacific Northwest, USA

      Ha ha, timorous! Great job. I've personally had the most issues with my incorrigible blender, especially when it is holding something capable of a permanent stain, like cranberries. This is why carpets in kitchens are a very bad idea.

    • timorous profile imageAUTHOR

      Tim Nichol 

      8 years ago from Me to You

      Thanks a bunch Zsuzsy. So glad you enjoyed it. I think I've wrangled the electric beasts into a state of submission.

      You stay well..as well. Cheers.

    • Zsuzsy Bee profile image

      Zsuzsy Bee 

      8 years ago from Ontario/Canada

      '...this Maximum Overdrive moment brought to you by the...be very afraid, very afraid, I tell you, they are coming to extract their pound of flesh...'

      another good one Timorous good luck not just with the contest but also with your mutinous appliances

      stay well... if you can

      Zsuzsy

    • timorous profile imageAUTHOR

      Tim Nichol 

      8 years ago from Me to You

      Haha..You too Nell? You can't be too careful, ya know. So glad you found this silly hub amusing. It works!

      Thanks for following me too :) I'll check out yer hubs very soon.

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 

      8 years ago from England

      HI, Yep, glad I found you! ha ha brilliant! and Phew! I thought it was just me! My freezer door keeps falling off and I can't afford another one, and my kettle either doesn't want to boil water, or if it's having a vitamin day it decides to keep boiling until it blows up all over the work top! so yes, I know where your coming from! cheers nell

    • timorous profile imageAUTHOR

      Tim Nichol 

      8 years ago from Me to You

      Hi G.L. Thanks for dropping in.

      I kind of like those old toasters..they have a kind of cool, retro-chic about them. Haha! Besides, YOU get to decide when the toast is done, not the toaster. I like being the master of my domain, sometimes. LOL. Still..best not trust it any further than you can toss the toast.

    • Green Lotus profile image

      Hillary 

      8 years ago from Atlanta, GA

      This was a treat tim and you've got a shoe in for this contest. I personally like your toaster. No chance of burning your fingers trying to get the toast out of a stupid slot. This whole hub reminds me of an ancient Benny Hill episode where all the appliances turned into robotic monsters. Very fitting. Cheers!

    • timorous profile imageAUTHOR

      Tim Nichol 

      8 years ago from Me to You

      Thanks Cagsil; It was fun, I rattled this off in about 3 hours..a record for me. I could still make it longer..nothing's written in stone, here.

    • Cagsil profile image

      Cagsil 

      8 years ago from USA or America

      Hey Timorous, really great hub. Well thought out and very nicely written. Good luck on the contest. But, then again, like Ralwus said- you forgot too many household items. LOL!

      Definitely a vote up here. :)

    • timorous profile imageAUTHOR

      Tim Nichol 

      8 years ago from Me to You

      Hi drbj. You're welcome. btw, the carpet is lighter and easier to move..besides moving the bed would produce some negative feng shui.

      hey rawlus...I must admit, you caught me out there. I could still expand the article of course, if I can find my thinking cap...

      nicomp; you're right, but to my mind, bigger is even more dangerous and unmanageable. Nice to see ya. I enjoyed your contest entries as well.

      Hello sofs; I guess I do have funny bones in most places. So happy to provide the laughs for ya. Thanks a bunch. See you back at the Sandpit.

    • sofs profile image

      Sophie 

      8 years ago

      You've got funny bones all over or what?? This was amusing to say the least.. Lol I've laughing my head off. Please upgrade your kitchen very soon.. or just let your imagination run wild and keep clicking away at the comp keys!!

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 

      8 years ago from Ohio, USA

      You need to live at McDonald's. The food may kill you, but the appliances are professional.

    • profile image

      ralwus 

      8 years ago

      you forgot about the electric knife ;)

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 

      8 years ago from south Florida

      The Ikea video was hysterical, timorous, thank you.

      Have a suggestion for you. Instead of rotating the bedroom carpet so you can hide the stains (?)under the bed, why not just move the bed to cover them?

    • timorous profile imageAUTHOR

      Tim Nichol 

      8 years ago from Me to You

      Thanks wilderness. Glad you enjoyed it. Just be thankful you weren't injured by chicken shrapnel projectiles.

    • wilderness profile image

      Dan Harmon 

      8 years ago from Boise, Idaho

      LOL A good job with Stan's contest. I loved the exercise video; it almost overcomes the danger of kitchen appliances.

      I agree that the plotting is never ending; if the door doesn't fall off the microwave, nuking everyone within reach, the dishwasher hose will break and drown everyone! One must always be on their toes around evil appliances.

    • timorous profile imageAUTHOR

      Tim Nichol 

      8 years ago from Me to You

      To quote Ebinezer Scrooge "Why do they lament?" Because the calcified deposits seek to interfere with safe tea consumption!

      Thanks Shadesbreath. btw..what makes you think the toaster isn't still functional? Just because it's dangerous...just sayin'. Maybe I should go real kitchy and get me a Hello Kitty toaster!

    • Shadesbreath profile image

      Shadesbreath 

      8 years ago from California

      OH NOES, NOT THE DREADED ... CALCIFIED TEA!!!! OH THE HORROR. [insert sound of women wailing piteously] Ohhhhhhhh.

      lol.

      Oh, um, btw, I think it's time to upgrade your toaster. LOL!

      Nice entry into Stan's contest. Good job! Clearly you need the Dairy Queen prize since cooking at your house is not safe. Stan should give it to you out of his sense of humanity.

    • timorous profile imageAUTHOR

      Tim Nichol 

      8 years ago from Me to You

      Thanks for the inspiration Stan, and thankfully very little perspiration.

    • Stan Fletcher profile image

      Stan Fletcher 

      8 years ago from Nashville, TN

      Timorous! Great job! You've combined commerce and creativity and wrapped it all up in a neat and fun package. Good luck in the contest. We're taking entries until November 15th.

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