- Food and Cooking
Those Dangerous Modern Kitchen Appliances Are After Me
While modern kitchen appliances have made many of our culinary creating efforts easier, there’s a dark side to such convenience. Besides the occasionally unreliable nature of these devices, they sometimes have a mind of their own.
I’m sure you’ve experienced the misfortune of burnt toast, or blender contents being tossed back at you… You just can’t be too careful with these recalcitrant modern kitchen appliances. So let’s have a bit of fun with them shall we…
Really…I can’t imagine what I’ve done to deserve this. It’s not like I’ve been neglecting these modern age devices. I clean that stove regularly, I wipe that goo off the fridge handles all the time. Lately, it seems though, I’ve been getting major league backlash from these normally docile, inanimate shiny beasts. While I toss and turn in a fitful sleep, I'm convinced..they sit there..plotting and scheming...lurking in the shadows cast by that ominous moonlight.
Beware the Ides of Fridgedom
Why..just the other day I was scolded by the fridge, [in no uncertain terms, I might add], about that long burned out bulb which normally illuminates those many items that probably expired long before the bulb itself.
Alright…so I deserved to be reprimanded. But it’s Sunday, and the hardware store is closed (that’s my excuse today, and I’m sticking to it!). Of course tomorrow being Monday, I’ll have too many other important things to do, such as:
- find a new piece of cardboard to put under that kitchen table leg
- get out that level, and make sure all the pictures on the living room wall are ‘perfect’
- find the remote for the cable tv box so I can finally get to watch that darts tournement on ESPN2
- rotate the bedroom carpet, so those stains are underneath the bed.
- get some exercise…
Not forgetting the dishwasher...
Oh, good lord...don’t get me started on that dishwasher. Nope....you can’t fool me…I know what evil is lurking beneath all that gleaming stainless steel. I’ll bet it doesn’t like those mustard yellow plates I got from my mother-in-law last Christmas. Come to think of it, I don’t either.
I know one of these days, one of those plates with the immaculately hardened egg residue is going to be ejected at me at the speed of light, the very next time I dare open the door.
…And these kitchen hazards don’t stop there.
Toasters are sneaky and underhanded. Mark my word. Get this…just this morning the toaster refused to stop burning the toast, despite my repeated requests to cease and desist. I hate that.
Ok..maybe I was distracted by the creepy noises the fridge makes. Maybe I should have used whole wheat bread. That damn toaster’s probably on a health kick this week. Not enough Omega-3 for ya huh? Why you little...
Kitchen hazards safety poll
Are you afraid of modern kitchen appliances?
Just an ordinary kettle? Think again…
Oh yes, there is of course the ubiquitous kettle. You’re probably thinking..what harm is there in a simple kettle? Plenty, my friend. You have no idea what a kettle’s likely to do in protest, if you haven’t cleaned those calcified deposits from the bowels of kettledom.
Those deposits are marshalling forces as we speak, getting ready to infiltrate that next cup of tea..laughing as they crawl into the cup, hitherto unnoticed.
Don’t touch that blender
Uh-uhh..you don’t want to mess with that blender. This most dangerous of kitchen hazards delights in swallowing any old spoon or spatula that you might think was handy for such things. Then it regurgitates its contents all over you and your countertop. Such insouciance.
Oh yes, and that microwave oven is of course the real sly fox. Oh I can see it there now…lurking silently on the countertop, just waiting to blow something up! Especially if I don’t press the right buttons. Chicken shrapnel, anyone? Why I oughta…
Be ever vigilant, my friends…or pay the price
Yes my friends, your kitchen is not the clean, gleaming, shiny, welcoming place it once was. There's untold evil lurking behind every unclaimed crumb..every spilled bit of tomato sauce..and all those dust balls behind the fridge.
You must remain vigilant. These modern kitchen appliances are wont to rise up and mount a full-scale mutiny, if you aren’t prepared to keep them spotless, and in perfect working order.
Don't try this at home...
You’ve been warned!
P.S. Watch the videos if you can...they're a hoot!
This article ©2010 by timorous+