ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Those Dangerous Modern Kitchen Appliances Are After Me

Updated on March 30, 2019
White House Kitchen.  Original copyright 1901, by Dr. G.W. Bell.
White House Kitchen. Original copyright 1901, by Dr. G.W. Bell.

While modern kitchen appliances have made many of our culinary creating efforts easier, there’s a dark side to such convenience. Besides the occasionally unreliable nature of these devices, they sometimes have a mind of their own.

I’m sure you’ve experienced the misfortune of burnt toast, or blender contents being tossed back at you… You just can’t be too careful with these recalcitrant modern kitchen appliances. So let’s have a bit of fun with them shall we…

Really…I can’t imagine what I’ve done to deserve this. It’s not like I’ve been neglecting these modern age devices. I clean that stove regularly, I wipe that goo off the fridge handles all the time. Lately, it seems though, I’ve been getting major league backlash from these normally docile, inanimate shiny beasts. While I toss and turn in a fitful sleep, I'm convinced..they sit there..plotting and scheming...lurking in the shadows cast by that ominous moonlight.

Beware the Ides of Fridgedom

Why..just the other day I was scolded by the fridge, [in no uncertain terms, I might add], about that long burned out bulb which normally illuminates those many items that probably expired long before the bulb itself.

Alright…so I deserved to be reprimanded. But it’s Sunday, and the hardware store is closed (that’s my excuse today, and I’m sticking to it!). Of course tomorrow being Monday, I’ll have too many other important things to do, such as:

  • find a new piece of cardboard to put under that kitchen table leg
  • get out that level, and make sure all the pictures on the living room wall are ‘perfect’
  • find the remote for the cable tv box so I can finally get to watch that darts tournement on ESPN2
  • rotate the bedroom carpet, so those stains are underneath the bed.
  • get some exercise…

Not forgetting the dishwasher...

Oh, good lord...don’t get me started on that dishwasher. can’t fool me…I know what evil is lurking beneath all that gleaming stainless steel. I’ll bet it doesn’t like those mustard yellow plates I got from my mother-in-law last Christmas. Come to think of it, I don’t either.

I know one of these days, one of those plates with the immaculately hardened egg residue is going to be ejected at me at the speed of light, the very next time I dare open the door.

Danger, Will Robinson...Danger!
Danger, Will Robinson...Danger!

…And these kitchen hazards don’t stop there.

Toasters are sneaky and underhanded. Mark my word. Get this…just this morning the toaster refused to stop burning the toast, despite my repeated requests to cease and desist. I hate that.

Ok..maybe I was distracted by the creepy noises the fridge makes. Maybe I should have used whole wheat bread. That damn toaster’s probably on a health kick this week. Not enough Omega-3 for ya huh? Why you little...

Kitchen hazards safety poll

Are you afraid of modern kitchen appliances?

See results

Just an ordinary kettle? Think again…

Oh yes, there is of course the ubiquitous kettle. You’re probably thinking..what harm is there in a simple kettle? Plenty, my friend. You have no idea what a kettle’s likely to do in protest, if you haven’t cleaned those calcified deposits from the bowels of kettledom.

Those deposits are marshalling forces as we speak, getting ready to infiltrate that next cup of tea..laughing as they crawl into the cup, hitherto unnoticed.

Don’t touch that blender don’t want to mess with that blender. This most dangerous of kitchen hazards delights in swallowing any old spoon or spatula that you might think was handy for such things. Then it regurgitates its contents all over you and your countertop. Such insouciance.

Oh yes, and that microwave oven is of course the real sly fox. Oh I can see it there now…lurking silently on the countertop, just waiting to blow something up! Especially if I don’t press the right buttons. Chicken shrapnel, anyone? Why I oughta…

Be ever vigilant, my friends…or pay the price

Yes my friends, your kitchen is not the clean, gleaming, shiny, welcoming place it once was. There's untold evil lurking behind every unclaimed crumb..every spilled bit of tomato sauce..and all those dust balls behind the fridge.

You must remain vigilant. These modern kitchen appliances are wont to rise up and mount a full-scale mutiny, if you aren’t prepared to keep them spotless, and in perfect working order.

You’ve been warned!

P.S. Watch the video if you can...they're a hoot!

This article ©2010 by timorous


This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

Show Details
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)