20 Amazing Things I Learned From Final Fantasy
1. USE A PHOENIX DOWN (I'M TALKIN' TO YOU, CLOUD)
The phoenix may be a rare and mythical bird, but apparently it sheds worse than my cat. Phoenix Down is EVERYWHERE. I wonder whose job it is to collect it?
Where The Chocobos Run Free
Final Fantasy is an epic franchise. Epic storylines, epic characters, epic airships, epic boss battles, epic big-ass swords, and occasionally epic fails.
It has also taught us some astounding things. What sorts of things, you ask? Well, let's see...
PSA: A Word of Warning About Phoenix Downs...
2. INJURED? GO TO AN INN.
Forget emergency rooms and state-of-the-art field trauma units. If you have been mauled by wild animals, burned to a crisp by dragon breath, poisoned, blinded, or struck by a stray meteor shower, just pony up 50 Gil for a night's stay in an Inn and you'll be totally healed by morning. Motel 6 -- we'll leave the light on for ya!
3. STICK IT UP YOUR...
Need to conceal a weapon the size of a chainsaw? No problem; just hide it under your belt. A few criss-cross straps or decorative zippers will serve in a pinch. (You can use a trenchcoat, too, but that's cheating).
4.TO AVERT APOCALYPSE, HIRE A COLLEGE STUDENT
The ideal age for saving the world is 17-21.
5. ANTIGRAVITY IS EVERYWHERE
Rocks levitate. So do continents. Luckily, they never seem to escape the atmosphere.
6. JOIN THE ARMY, HAVE AMAZING HAIR
- It is perfectly normal for military personnel to use excessive amounts of hair spray, hair mousse, and/or extensions. Hair down to your waist is within regulations.
7. A CRATE IS A WALL
- It is physically impossible to climb over a wooden crate, fence, or other low barrier. Unless you're Rinoa.
8. DEAD BODIES SELF-DESTRUCT
When you kill things or people, they vanish outright or dissolve into sparkly shinies. That's why everyone in Spira is vegetarian.
9. PACK YOUR ASBESTOS LEVITATION BOOTS
Floating a foot above the surface of a 1000° F lava lake will protect you from the scalding heat. Also, you can run while your feet are not touching the floor.
10. HE SMOTE, BUT HE DIDN'T IMPALE...
It is impossible for anyone to lose a limb while fighting an opponent wielding a bladed weapon. Impaling is, however, an occasional hazard. Gunfire is far more likely to cause loss of limb, in which case you may replace the missing hand with a chainsaw.
11. TRUE WARRIORS WEAR BATTLE WEDGIES
Bright red uniforms, shocking orange battleshorts, neon elements that glow in the dark, and capes are appropriate military wear. If female, your shapely legs are sufficient protection; there is no need to wear pants. For men, it is advisable to wear jock straps outside one's pants.
12. BARGE RIGHT IN AND MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME
Door locks? Security systems? Naaaah. Walk in and help yourself to whatever gold or magic potions people have lying around the house. Yes, potions are common.
13. BEWARE ARCHITECTURE, PLANTS AND BUNNY RABBITS
Hazards of adventuring include death by aggressive architecture, hyperactive cacti, tutu-wearing artichokes, evil bunnies, and pots. (And clowns, but we knew that.)
14. YOUR FRIENDS SUCK
In battle, your party only has room to stand three or four abreast. Your other friends will hang back checking their smartphones and munching popcorn. Luckily, they will never be hit by flamethrowers, machine gun spray, or poison gas clouds.
15. NEVER CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES
Steve Jobs would fit into the Final Fantasy worlds nicely: in rain or snow, deserts or tundra, you always wear the same outfit. Except, on rare occasions, right in the middle of battle, when you might want to change into your dancing shoes!
16. HUMAN CLONING EXISTS
Every shop, inn, and pub has the same 5-10 customers. And they're always there. Creepy.
17. ANYTHING CAN GROW WINGS. ANYTHING.
If you see something sprouting angel or fairy wings, RUN AWAY. (This includes airships and buildings.)
18. BEWARE OF SILVER HAIR
Silver hair = tendency towards psychotic episodes. Um... Hope? What are you doing with that knife?
19. ALSO WATCH OUT FOR CARD SHARKS
Balls, dolls, dice and playing cards are lethal weapons.
20. THE FINAL FANTASY DEAD MOTHERS SOCIETY IS RECRUITING
Sadly, the chances of missing one or both parents are approximately 1 in 4. If you lose both parents, there are never grandparents or other relatives around who want you. Ouch!
© 2011 auronlu