Chimpy Jump: Horrifying and Disgusting Free Online Game

Antagonism between chimps and turtles is well-documented throughout recorded history. Epic monkey-terrapin wars marred otherwise peaceful periods of mammal-amphibian relations. This horrible free online game dredges up the worst aspects of conflicts that most sentient humans have striven to forget.

Why an otherwise pleasant chimp prefers to pummel slow-moving shell-backed cold-blooded turtles remains a mystery lost to the unspoken edges of ancient history. For whatever reason, Chimpy the chimp seems intent on using his fellow jungle dwellers as stepping stones in a game of drown-the-turtle. For those of us with any gentle sensibilities toward turtles, this really hurts a lot. For those of us who grew up watching National Geographic documentaries featuring slow-motion video of turtles struggling to escape from beach-front nests before being gobbled by turtle predators, this is a painful reminder of what can go wrong in the animal kingdom.

Chimpy the chimp must satiate his primordial need to cavort across the backs of symmetrically arranged turtles. Each turtle, having contributed to keeping Chimpy's feet dry, sinks to the bottom of the jungle pond, never to be seen again until the next level of the game. Turtle abuse sinks to new lows as the game progresses.

Your job is to guide Chimpy the Chimp through his quest to extinguish the reptilian genus. Use the arrow keys on your keyboard to move Chimpy from turtle to turtle. Should you provide incorrect input, your monkey anti-hero spins into the pond and sinks like a hairy stone, where he is ostensibly set-upon by the relatives of the turtles he recently abused. It's all fun and games, if you're standing on the shoreline with a video camera and a broadband connection to YouTube.

We have no clue what happens when Chimpy completes his quest. Perhaps he (she?) embarks on an expedition to exterminate lizards or those annoying geckos that sell car insurance. We couldn't bear the thought of battling through seemingly interminable levels of turtle tapping simply to 'win' the game. A significant reward may await you: let us know.

It's cartoon violence that abstracts a horrible and disgusting interaction between two heretofore symbiotic members of the animal world. Monkeys have little to fear from turtles, given that turtles are slow-moving water dwellers and monkeys can always find gainful employment amusing patrons in circuses and providing expert commentary on CNN.

The game is safe for children of all ages. The violence is of the cartoon variety. No turtle blood is spilled: they simply vanish from view after being tromped by the chimp. Perhaps advanced levels of the game provide more gore, but we didn't get much farther than the first few levels. Our sensibilities were sufficiently offended as the first few turtles were abused.

If your computer has the Flash Player installed, you can take part in the turtle carnage. Most flash games are relatively safe to download: the game software executes 'inside' the flash player software, where it cannot affect your operating system or any other programs you might have installed. Your privacy should be secure.

The Flash Player costs nothing to download and install: it's available for most mainstream hardware/software platforms including Windows and Linux. If your computer is not Flash compatible, you should find a computer with such compatibility as soon as possible, otherwise you will miss out on the opportunity to bounce on turtles.

Every free online video game employs as a benchmark the veritably ubiquitous free online video game titled Angry Birds. Certainly we would be remiss without providing a detailed comparison of the relationships between Angry Birds and Chimpy Jump:

• Both games run on computers.

That's about it. Angry Birds is a franchise, a brand-name, a universal software application executing on every available platform and appearing in every pop culture reference. Chimpy jumps on turtles.

You, as a human computer user, can access this game at no charge. You are not obligated to wait in line outside a video game store in order to purchase a copy on the day it's released. You don't need to provide a credit card or even an email address. Play anonymously. Pound turtles to your heart's content. Guide Chimpy through a veritable plethora of turtle hopping adventures until your fingers bleed or your keyboard fails.