Fictional Biography of Barbie Doll

The following is a completely fictional account of Barbie’s life. For the true story behind how Barbie came to be, please read The Story Behind the Original Barbie.

The lovely doll we know as Barbie has led a life no one would call quotidian. But who would have known her unusual beginnings would lead to such a powerful existence? All we know is that Barbie always followed her heart.

Once upon a time, Barbie was a baby. But she was a baby of unknown origin. She had been left in a bassinet in the window of a kosher bakery known for its realistic, animatronic cakes, and had been there the better part of the day before passersby realized she was inedible.

Cooing and giggling in her bassinet at customers and an extremely well-behaved baby, she had enchanted all who passed. One customer had actually tried to purchase the little girl as a birthday cake for his daughter, who was expecting a baby of her own.

An investigation yielded only a bit of information about a tall, dazzlingly blonde beauty with tanned legs, a rarity in the Polish shtetl where she had been left.

Unable to part with such a pretty and cheerful child, the Bar Kochbas named their newest family member Elsaloeruen Zissel Chicmissus Bar Kochba (Elsa, for short).

Elsa lived with the Bar Kochbas, learning their special baking style until she reached the age of Bat Mitzvah, when she decided to try her hand at gymnastics. There had to be a way to lose the extra weight she had gained from eating all those delicious pastries!

Leaving the Bar Kochbas with tears in her eyes, she promised to write as often as she could.

Elsa was hired by the Traveling Circus of Exquisistan during the the summer of 1975 by the circus’ two most popular acts: common-law wife and husband and creators of the circus itself, the fiercely catlike Bearded Lady and the heavily muscled Sword Swallowing Giant. She won them over with her girth and fresh-faced smile and became the apprentice to the operations manager.

But lo and behold! Elsa had a gift for acrobatics. After losing almost 100 pounds in four months on a miracle diet consisting solely of grapefruit, gummy bears, and bacon, she climbed the ladder to the trapeze on a lark. Tiptoeing gracefully across the tightrope in a gauzy purple costume she had sewn with her own two hands, she captivated all the circus personnel and they knew she would be a hit with spectators.

Elsa's act took the circus by storm. She teamed up with Hans and Franz, multi-jointed, blue-eyed, extremely clean-shaven brothers who would parade her around on their shoulders and toss her into the air where she would do her signature quadruple flip with six twists... while on the tightrope.

Elsa sent the Bar Kochbas a little money each week. She was protective of the couple who had so graciously opened their home to her.

But besides her acrobatic skills, Elsa had a head for numbers. So at the ripe old age of 17, Elsa again decided to strike out... this time to business school. She had received early admission to Princesston (one of the lesser-known Ivy League schools) and blushingly spread the news to everyone in the troupe.

Elsa figured she could improve the failing circus' finances and marketing strategy, but it would take time. The Bearded Lady and the Sword Swallowing Giant offered to pay Elsa's tuition, room, board, and other incidentals. Elsa accepted, but only on the condition that she return to share her knowledge and turn the circus around to higher profits and better venues.

Elsa received her Bachelor of Science degree in a mere 2.5 years due to diligence with her studies and reluctance to do get caught up in the nonsense of college dating. But in order to advance her knowledge she really needed to receive her Master's degree as well.

Princesston would not offer her a scholarship, but they did accept her candidacy into their esteemed Master of Finance and Circus Management program.

Ever loyal to both sets of adoptive parents, Elsa decided to assist remotely with the business side of the deteriorating circus after her mother was mistaken for Bigfoot’s wife and shot by a hunter during a vacation to the Canadian Rockies. Without the Bearded Lady, the circus was falling apart faster and faster.

Although sad about the loss of her furry mother figure, Elsa was on top of the world educationally. This learning experience was a thrill she had never dreamed could happen. But her dreams turned to nightmares when she found out that the remainder of both sets of her surrogate parents had died in tragic fires.

A new oven in the bakery had overheated a canister of a specialty gas that the Bar Kochbas used with their newest and most fancy cakes, which ignited and exploded the bakery. Unfortunately, both Bar Kochbas had been inside. The Traveling Circus of Exquisistan didn't fare any better -- an untrained lackey, hoping to impress the Snake Woman with his own animal intuition, backed directly into several lit stakes with which the Fire Eater was practicing his craft. In a great conflagration, the circus was gone! Not a hair remained.

A real trooper, Elsa continued with her studies despite the loss of the circus. "Life goes on," she told herself. She wondered if her circus management training would come in handy at other companies as well.

But with no assistance from her surrogate parents and no financial aid (no insurance money was forthcoming, as the circus fire had been deemed non-accidental, and it turned out the bar Kochbas had never been to a bank -- they had saved all their money in coffee cans behind the bread ovens), Elsa still had to pony up for tuition.

So she dusted off her old costumes and turned to dancing. She was still quite limber and although her triple layout full in full out had turned into a double, no one complained. And despite her skimpy costumes, her co-performers found she was quite the prude, uninterested in spending romantic time with the many men who found her so attractive.

Elsa carried out her research (Microfinance in Global Markets: Securitization of Microfinance Loans for Women in Business) and was able to complete her Master's in a short two years.

At 22, Elsa had already experienced a lifetime of knee pain. She was ready to begin a fresh chapter in her life. Enough with the glitz, glamour, and physical labor of gymnastics and dancing. Her hips ached often, and her knees had trouble bending. What could be done about it?

But first things first. Elsa wanted to shake off all the stresses that had followed her. So she changed her name to Barbara Millicent Roberts -- Barbara to honor the Bar Kochbas, Millicent to honor her studies of finance, and Roberts to honor the Sword Swallowing Giant (his real name was Robert).

With her highly prized degrees, Barbie headed a few companies throughout the decade or so that followed, but nothing held her attention. After improving their finances and processes, she would again become bored as she met challenge after challenge. She was also very lonely. The men she dated were vapid and they tended to stare at her lifelessly. She wondered if she would ever again be as lighthearted as she had been during her childhood.

But when she turned 35, her knees fairly screamed in pain during every waking moment. Barbie underwent radical, experimental surgery to replace her knee, elbow, and wrist joints. She was operated on by an up and coming surgeon her own age, whose face was the first she saw after awakening... with whom she fell in love.

The surgery was successful, but not as successful as her love life. Barbie came out of the closet as soon as she realized the real reason she wasn't attracted to men.

Barbie and her wife tied the knot in 2008 and are still living in California, with their dog, cat, adopted son, and very high income.

Barbie is currently the CEO and spokesperson of EZYUME (pronounced Easy You Me), a privately-owned company that assists adopted children to achieve their life goals. She also owns a controlling portion of stock in a chain of local gymnasiums, where she practices her forward rolls and backflips. Once in a great while, she goes dancing. And except for an occasional tough waxing job, Barbie is quite happy.

Unfortunately, part of Barbie's "life" will always remain a mystery. Who are her "real" parents? Where is she "really" from? Is she Everywoman? Or Nowoman?

Well, what do you think?