5 Fun Things to do with a Dwarf
If all else fails, toss 'em.
Dwarves. Every role-playing game seems to have them. Yeah, they’re short, doughty, and more loyal than a knight’s trusty steed, but if they’re not serving an underground use, then what good are they? A surprising lot of them! Over time through a lot of practice and even more patience, I’ve discovered a few that aren’t only productive but extremely fun!
Drink
If you want to learn how to drink in a role-playing game, or even if you just seek a reliable drinking buddy, look no further than the nearest dwarf. Don’t be discouraged because the dwarf WILL out-drink you! Let’s face it, the little fella grew up drinking Dwarven Ale! Have you never heard of Dwarven Ale? Those fortunate enough to taste it can confirm that the potent brew has a bold flavour and a stout constitution -- much like dwarves themselves!
Craft
The cliche “Dependable as a dwarf!” bears a lot of truth. Out of all the races in role-playing games across the board, dwarves seem built to craft; and when faced with the opportunity they’re hard-pressed to turn it down, much less settle for shoddy workmanship. Do you need a shield forged? Jewellery repaired? Precious metals mined from a dark, dank underground environment? Mention it to a dwarf! He’ll do the job with pride, and he’ll do it well for the price of a few drinks at the bar. You can’t find better work at a cheaper price!
Insult
If you need to insult someone -- even if it’s in real life -- ask a dwarf in any role-playing game for advice on what to say. Calling someone’s mother a #%&@ing $#(!er of a &^$% isn’t nearly as effective as saying something akin to, “Listen here, you lice-ridden, incompetent crybaby, your mother* is nothing but an elf-kissing nose picker!” Fo shizzle!
Shield
Going to fight the biggest, baddest villain in hopes of achieving your roleplay game's highest level? Be sure to take a dwarf. Hell, take his whole clan! These little guys’ ability to stand up to fire, blunt force, magic, and other types of damage makes even the burliest knight turn green with envy. Even if that beast is still alive by the time your enemy assimilates the dwarven shield, you can take credit for killing that monster all by yourself!
Toss
Every race, whether in a role-playing game or real life, suffers a stereotype. It’s a sad truth for dwarves (and a fairly amusing truth for everyone else) that they are the perfect height for being tossed. Here’s how it’s done. Simultaneously grab the collar of his shirt with your left hand and the waistband of his trousers with your left hand. In one quick jerk, lift him off the ground and swing him backward. Then, use that momentum to hurl him forward, releasing your grip and letting the little fella fly! If you’ve never tossed a dwarf, you don’t know what you’re missing. It’s loads of fun!
Don’t worry if the tactics above don’t benefit your role-playing game character. Not everyone is fortunate enough to find a dwarf who fits the stereotype. If you try any of the above and the dwarf seems grumpy in response, just chalk it up as a personality trait. Statistically speaking, six out of seven dwarves aren’t happy anyway!
*It’s worth noting that a dwarf will never use the term “bearded” when insulting a female, especially if it’s someone’s mother. This is likely out of respect that his mother’s beard is probably longer than his own. Any female can deny a shadow of hair above her upper lip but true Dwarven women wear their facial hair with pride!
