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New kind of adventure - "Depression Simulator 2015"
New kind of adventure (no capitalization of words in a title needed) is a game I paid actual money for. I spent $0.14 of my hard earned blood money to play this piece of crap. I read a couple of the reviews on steam and I was hooked, I had to see how truly crappy this "open access alpha" was.
Here is what the Steam store says about this game:
"About This Game
New kind of adventure is a 3D adventure game with RPG elements. Mary hides in a wardrobe after her parents had a fight. She falls asleep. When Mary awakes, she discovers that she is in a beautiful, magical world with giant strawberries and magical druids! With her new friend Aquarius, Mary must find a way back to the real world!
- Use Mary's new found powers and Aquarius' magical abilities to solve puzzles and complete quests.
- Collect Artifacts to unlock new magical powers and abilities.
- A huge vibrant world, with colourful wildlife and environments.
- Gather items and resources to trade with Druids.
- Original folk jam soundtrack.
Let me warn you, you will do none of this stuff. This game has no magic powers, there are no puzzles, and you collect nothing. There is no huge world, and it is an opinion that this game could be considered colorful. You gather no resources, and the music is one song.
Here is the "story line". Summed up on an ugly pop up screen that looks like N64 wood art. Basically Mary is in a broken home and escapes to a magical world in a wardrobe (Nothing like Narnia or Alice in Wonderland at all). This story could have taken someone longer to type than create.
Before you get confused, here are the super complicated controls. Make sure to know, you can see from my screenshots, that the mouse cursor never disappears and you see it at all times in game.
Here are the "tasks" of this game but first, this is version 0.2? This game was "released" 3 months ago. I can't even imagine what version 0.1 was like. Anyways, so the point of this game is revealed, the little blue guy is supposed to play his flute to plants, and Mary is supposed to destroy the world by taking all the fruit. How can we "remember" that she can carry fruit if we were never told she could to begin with?
So here are the two mongoloid looking characters. The model textures are N64 quality and they add a bunch of glowing effects to cover up the fact that everything is ugly as hell. The controls are atrocious. You use the mouse to look around and move with WSAD but it feels like playing Resident Evil for PS1. The frame-rate says "60", but it is the choppiest 60 frames I've seen. The screen tears no matter what I do with the settings. I have a pretty good computer, and this shouldn't be an issue. This game is probably just optimized to potato level quality.
Here is the only NPC, the druid. He is some kind of mysterious jawa looking guy with an orb that says meaningless stuff. He can be found in three locations, the waterfall, the cave, and the road that ends in nowhere. This game seriously insults the player's intelligence with horrible looking popups telling you what button to push to do things every time.
You can't do any of these quests. It's probably for "future" releases that may never happen. Although this text is meaningless, it hints to who the developers are. The Ubuntu shield? Like the Linux operating system Ubuntu? The weird English spelling of artifacts suggests that these people either do not speak English or are at least not from the USA.
Here is the road to nowhere that ends with a warning that there is nothing here, and probably never will be.
Oh look a cool looking Buddha thing, just kidding you can't go over there either.
There sure is a lot of grass, and nothing else. As I walk through the small field, I wonder what I am doing with my life?
Well, might as well knock out these "tasks". I began using my magic flute to open all the flowers in the Buddha cave. This was the first time I thought something looked cool, but it was the only time and it lasted for like 10 seconds. Remember guys "E for Action".
OK, opened all of the flowers. Nothing happened, except for intense feeling of boredom and sadness.
Aquarius can not pick up strawberries. I can't remember the controls to change characters and just start wandering.
Those ledges on the waterfall look cool, wish I could get up there.
I randomly banged on the keyboard until I hit the right button to change characters. I was instantly amazed at Mary's jump skill. She can jump like 40 feet in the air. Hell yeah, this game really starts now. I can pick up them strawberries. Lets do this!
But seriously, check out them jumping skills.
If you forgot "E is for Action", you will not be disappointed that it is displayed every time that you pick something up. Mary doesn't even have to hold these strawberries, they just magically float in front of her hands.
I can feel the cosmos in my hands, from inside the strawberries.
I completed a life goal from 5 minutes ago, I made it to the top of the waterfall ledge of my dreams.
*Bonus content* there is more than just strawberries! There are weird purple/blue rock/prunes you can pick up too!
I picked almost all the fruit and threw it in the water (the druid didn't seem to want them). Nothing happens. I tried to switch to Aquarius to play the flute to see if strawberries would regrow and I was not surprised that nothing happens. I left about 4 strawberries because I was starting to feel depressed and I had to stop playing. My game play for this game was about 30 minutes before I couldn't do it any more.
This game is proof that Steam has no quality control any more, and that the computer gaming industry has sunk to a low that never existed before "early release alphas" and Kickstarter. Please don't buy this game, it only encourages lazy worthless people to make crap like this. I feel sick that I have, in a microscopic way, perpetuated the tread of bad developers and worthless games.
My guess is this game was:
A. Created by a student project from a video game development class.
B. Created by an autistic or mentally handicapped person.
C. Created by some people that wanted to con me out of $0.14.
Either way, I will leave it running to collect the steam cards and sell them for more than $0.14. The other game created by this developer (Mint Age Studios) looks like a Nintendo game, and the publisher (Back To Basics Gaming) looks like they publish some crappy games too. This has been the most depressing 30 minutes of my life. I will leave the game running and once I get these steam cards I will insta-uninstall this game and hopefully drink enough to forget it. Thank you and enjoy the depression simulation and steam card generator for a $0.10 profit if you sell the cards.