Game Reviews From the Peanut Gallery

Because someone decided it'd be a good idea to release about 63 triple A games in a single holiday season, it's been hard for even me to get through them all, much less review them. However, since I love my fans (all two of you) this post shall serve as sort of a preview on what I've been playing lately and the full reviews should arrive here via Halley's Comet in the near future. 

Concept: A lame FPS that replaces bad ass guns with stupid swordplay

Graphics: I'd like it better if it looked like an anime. Anime FTW.

Sound: I don't understand what your character says when you do shouts. What kind of BS is that? I thought Skyrim was set in America, and we speak English here, dammit.

Playability: I tried swinging the controller to swing the sword and it didn't work. And people wonder why Skyward Sword got better scores...

Overall: This is the biggest ripoff of Dragon Age I've ever seen. Bethesda should be ashamed of themselves.

Replay Value: Nonexistent

Concept: Resurrect a decrepit fighting franchise that no one wanted back.

Graphics: The old crappy digitized actors look like L.A.Noire by comparison. And Kitana's boobs aren't nearly big enough.

Sound: No matter how many times you tell me, I am not getting over there, Scorpion!

Playability: Babalities are too hard to do. F**k that s**t

Overall: The idea of resurrecting Velociraptors in Jurassic Park panned out better than this game.

Replay Value: Was 1993 really that great?

Concept: Create an epic, time traveling adventure that stands as the greatest Spider-Man story since the Clone Saga.

Graphics: Neither Toby Maguire or Andrew Garfield have succeeded in making Spidey look this real.

Sound: It was hard to hear anything really. Spidey's hilarious one-liners had me laughing too hard to hear much of anything else. But the music was probably awesome anyway. Because, you know, it's Spider-Man.

Playability: The silky smooth gameplay really make you feel like the webslinger. Though I recommend murdering a real-life uncle to get the full experience. I did.

Overall: The story makes perfect sense when you think about it.

Replay Value: I play through the game each time a new issue of the comic hits.

Concept: You don't know what this is by now? Only the greatest military shooter of all time. It's even better than World War II.

Graphics: So hot that is melts the "frost" out of "Frostbite 2". See that? I totally burned them!

Sound: Every time I fired a gun, I had to call the cops because I thought there was gang violence outside my house. That's quality sound effects right there!

Playability: I'd follow my man "Follow" to the ends of the Earth if it came to it.

Replay Value: More valuable than my own life.

Concept: Create the greatest fu***n game ever made and take 12 years to do so.

Graphics: The game actually looks 12 years ahead of it's time. Even the illustration I made on the whiteboard looked better than any Uncharted game.

Sound: If Carlos Mencia ever explodes from an overabundance of funny (God forbid), Duke will inherit the title as the most humorous entity in all of existence.

Playability: Duke reminds us why every FPS has been apeing his series for years.

Overall: A testesterone-filled thrill ride of maniliness from start to finish. I actually grew a third testicle by the end.

Concept: Ubisoft offers it's cutest sacrificial lamb to the wolves of a packed holiday season.

Graphics: I wish I could toggle the graphics between this and the classic Rayman style. You know, like how Halo Anniversary let's you. I should know because I'm playing that game right now.

Sound: I think everyone in this game speaks dragon, but when I tried to shout, Rayman just did a fisty thing. I'm going back to Skyrim.

Playability: Plays like Burt Reynold's character in Saints Row: The Third, in that you punch dudes and send them flying.

Overall: In the distant future I should have the time to actually play this, so I'll cyrogentically freeze myself with the game until then.

Concept: Create a game that babysits you more than a teenager on a Saturday night.

Graphics: Cut and paste every fantasy game ever and make it even less interesting.

Sound: Mostly the sound of my yawns, since I was so bored by how simplistic this game is.

Playability: The only way to make this game easier would have been to bundle it with a custom controller with a giant "Win" button that instantly finishes the game with 100% completion.

Overall: A great way to hide your lackluster video game skills and look like a pro in front of gullible friends who actually give a hoot.

Replay Value: None

Concept: Guide a homicidal senior citizen through his existential crisis.

Graphics: You can't fool me, Ubisoft. Even though that knife appeared to have totally missed that innocent guard's neck, he's still being brutally executed for no good reason.

Sound: I must be fluent in both Italian and Constantinoplese because I can understand what everyone is saying perfectly. Though I guess MURDER is universal across all languages.

Playability: Wait, now we're teaching people how to make BOMBS? Have you no decency? If I see even one caltrop or lamb's blood bomb in an airport you'll have hell to pay, Ubisoft.

Overall: You're teaching me how to MURDER innocent (not to mention important) people. Who wants to do that in a video game?

Replay Value: About as much as this game places on human life, which is none.

Concept: Answer the "Where's Metal Gear Solid: Rising?" question with a collection of old, beat-up games.

Graphics: Sons of Liberty is too gray, Snake Eater is too green, and Peace Walker almost looks like it was a portable game or something at some point.

Sound: I've engaged in more codec conversations in my life than in real ones with actual people. FML

Playability: Interrogations still end with unintentional fatalities most times, so yeah.

Overall: The story is still a convoluted mess, The Pain is still a tool, and I refuse to play as a non-badass cyborg ninja Raiden ever again.

Replay Value: Depends how much HD means to you I guess.