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Why the world of Pokémon is really messed up.

Updated on February 22, 2015


So, a while ago, in anticipation for what was a hideously long flight, I purchased Pokémon Fire Red. For those of you who don’t know the difference. Fire Red is the Game Boy Advance version of Pokémon Red Version, game that came out on Game Boy Color in the 90’s. Now, I’m not gonna say I wasn't pleased and that I didn't spend hours in a flashback to my Backstreet Boy and denim vest years, but I noticed a few things that uh, maybe I didn't back then.

Your MOM!

Okay, if you've played the game before or like to troll around some memes, you've already noticed that your mom doesn't have a bed in the game.
But upon further investigation, I realize this isn't just true for your mom.
It's true for literally everyone else in the game.
I traveled all around the Pokeworld, but nobody else seems to have a place to sleep but you.
A bed, I mention, that you use to sleep once in your entire life.
It's like you turned ten and never had to sleep or eat again.

And what does your mom do for a living? She never seems to leave the kitchen. Does she have a job? How do you guys pay for bills? The rent? Second breakfast?
And why is she always watching the same damn movie about four kids walking on train tracks? Is that supposed to be a "Stand By Me" reference? If so... Mad props, Nintendo... Mad props.
(Not So Fun Fact- Are you aware that every three to four hours, someone is hit by a train? How the hell does that happen? It seems pretty simple to me kids... Just stay off the tracks.)
I guess you could argue that your father is out somewhere, paying the bills, but nobody ever mentions him.
He never gets brought up by anyone.
Furthermore, does anyone in the world of Pokémon have a father?
Your creepy rival doesn't.
Nobody in your town seems to at all.
It makes me feel so bad for your character.
You don't have a dad, all your mom does is sit in the kitchen and watch the same freaking movie over and over, and at ten years old, the only person who shows any interest in you at all is the creepy old guy next door who insists you go on dangerous errands for him.

I did this myself. Go ahead and judge.

Professor Herbert.

Professor Oak.
The only person in the entire world who shows any interest in you.
Of course, he can't remember your name, your mom's name, or even his grandson's name, but we're supposed to believe he's the world's leading expert in Pokémon?
Oh sure, I can remember Bulbasaur, Ivysaur, Venusaur, Charmander, Charmeleon, Charizard, Squirtle, Wartortle, Blastoise, Caterpie, Metapod, Butterfree, Weedle, Kakuna, Beedrill, Pidgey, Pidgeotto, Pidgeot, Rattata, Raticate, Spearow, Fearow, Ekans, Arbok, Pikachu, Raichu, Sandshrew, Sandslash, Nidoran, Nidorina, Nidoqueen, Nidoran- Hold up.
You mean to tell me that Nidoran and Nidoran are different pokémon because of the gender? I seem to remember you could tell if a Pokémon was a boy or girl by the Austin Powers symbol next to their name.
The little circle with the arrow?
So then how come Pokémon #'s 29 and 32 are both Nidoran?
150 pokémon, my ass.
Cheap move, Nintendo. Cheap move.

Back to my point.
He can remember 149 (!!!) pokemon's names, their types, strengths, weaknesses, and locations in the world, but not the half dozen people in his tiny little town?
Has anyone ever considered that Oak is a huge fraud?
I mean, he's always pacing in his office, but it doesn't seem like he's studying Pokémon.
He has a bunch of aides who seem really enthusiastic, but... They don't really study anything either.
The best pokémon expert in the world has a lab the size of my room in a town that isn't big enough for a hospital or a shop?
Sure, they have two bookcases full of books about Pokémon, and a computer.
But is the computer really that much better than the one the ten year old protagonist has in his room?
Right. Pokémon expert.

Oak just kinda stands around, claiming that he knows all there is to know about Pokémon, and then on a whim, gives you and his asshole grandson little pets.
Little pets that eventually evolve into giant turtles or dragons (hardcore judging you if you picked Bulbasaur), capable of destroying cities or topping governments, so that you can go out into the world and record information about pokémon. Not that he needs our information. I mean, he's the expert.
Small Note Here- When he lets you choose your Pokémon,
A. How crushed were you when Pikachu wasn't an option? and B. He says he's had these pokémon for a long time, but they're all level five.
Firstly, it seems downright inhumane to have "had these pokémon for a long time" when they're just sitting in pokeballs in your dusty old office. Secondly, don't some pokémon gain experience just from walking around? How does the "greatest Pokémon mind", who claims "he was a trainer when he was younger" (before he took a master ball to the knee) have three pokémon that evolve rather rapidly at the beginning... and they're weaker than the common Caterpie.


They say it's a pokeman's world...

Is anyone else bothered that each and every town has the same police officer and nurse?
If they were all just siblings, I'd be okay with that, or if the game joked that they traveled really fast, I could deal with that...
But they're all freaking twins.
There are nine towns that have a cop and pokémon center...
That means their mother gave birth to 9 KIDS TWICE.
No wonder all the father figures are nowhere to be found.
But we've gotta make sure the cops are around right?
The cops are important in the pokemon world, because they have to stop Team Rocket!
Team Rocket! The evil corporation that wants to catch all the pokémon and... and... and...
Huh. I guess it's a little hypocritical to label Team Rocket as the bad guys when it seems like all they want to do is catch all the Pokémon... The same thing you're doing.
I guess in hindsight, the premise is actually pretty dark for the pokémon themselves.
Once upon a time, they were free to joyously roam the earth.
Then the humans came and destroyed their ecosystem. Cutting down forests and clearing out plains, driving roads in between towns (hardly), so naturally they fought back, warding off the humans.
Then suddenly, human's started capturing them and forcing them to fight back, defending the humans.
After the humans started capturing the more dangerous pokémon, they began making them fight for nothing more than their own amusement.
Now they hide in the tall grass and deep oceans, praying they can stay with their families instead of being captured in a mysterious and nefarious pokeball.

I've always wondered what it's like in a pokeball.
It's obvious the pokémon shrinks to fit in to the multi-colored ball, but what's it like in there.
Is it some kind of simulated environment or do they just sit in the darkness, waiting to be called.

Oh yeah, and as for the Pokémon you fight in the wild.
It's very clear that you don't kill the pokémon you fight, they simply faint. And as you learn throughout the game, they don't wake up until you take them to the pokecenter.
Does that mean there are just thousands of unconscious wild pokémon lying around?
When you're preparing for a gym-battle by training your pokémon, are you just creating piles and piles of pokecorpses?
And why do they have to be awake for you to catch them? An unconscious pokémon won't give you blue pokeballs...

One more note before I move on to the next subject...
Have you ever noticed that when you leave the pokecenter, the nurse says something along the lines of, "We hope to see you again"
Who the hell says that at a hospital?!

Pokemon used Animal Negligence... It was extremely effective.

In summation, the life of the Poke-tagonist isn't a bright one.
You live in a world where anyone who wants to leave their town has to use an indentured servimon to fend off giant bugs, rats, and birds as they trek through the long grass. Everyone has daddy issues and your mom never gets up to leave the kitchen. The foremost expert in animal studies lives next door and yet he relies on you, a ten year old, to do all of his research. The only kid for miles who is around your age is an absolute dickbag (Usually what I name him), and your only friends are your animal slaves that you use for combat, who can't say anything but their own name, as if longing for who they could've been had they not been captured.


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