How Not To Play Starcraft 2 - A Noobs Guide To Losing Every Game

I've been playing Starcraft 2 since it came out. I played my placement matches eagerly, to see in which of the five leagues I was going to be placed, diamond, maybe platinum? I got bronze. I realised that I was bad so after getting beaten a few times by everyone I played, I decided to get good.

I have watched a lot of games, played a lot of games, talked about games, been on the starcraft forum and read about other people playing and talking about games.

I could almost call myself, not an expert, but someone who knows what he's talking about when it comes to starcraft. An authority. A big swinger. The only problem is, I'm absolutely terrible at it and I'm actually getting worse.

There has never been anything else that I can think of that I have practiced a lot at and not only not improved, but actually got worse at as time has gone on. I have read a lot of guides on what to do and I know what needs to be done.

The way I play the game is, when I queue up the match, I remember the things that I need to do without fail every game.

• Make workers continually until I have about 70 or have won.
• Scout.
• Keep minerals as low as possible.
• Never queue units.

What I probably shouldn't do, but do anyway;

• Panic when I have an engagement and instead of microing, just stare at the screen, frozen in a state of confusion as my army gets chewed apart by laser beams/guns/teeth/whatever else in an orgy of blood, pain and slowly diminishing screams.
• Only notice after my army has been ripped apart that I had loads of minerals in the bank.
• Realise that my opponents neverending onslaught of powerful units that are hungry for total annihilation, humiliation and the ritual debagging of my troops are not going to stay at his base for a few minutes while I pull myself back together.
• Finally start to get my small army back together into some sort of state of reasonable readiness for action again, before remembering I haven't scouted for a while.
• Realise as I start an engagement that I forgot to build any detectors, so can't see his invisible units, that are deep in my army, pulling the troops pants down at will, while giggling and slicing.
• Realise that it wouldn't matter anyway, as his army is so enormous, that my three unit army is probably not going to be able to take it on anyway, even with awesome micro. That I don't have.
• Feel the warm glow of satisfaction and happiness as a flock of mutalisks enter my mineral line and start dropping hot bombs all over my helpless workers.
• Take the friendly advice that I'm given to 'just leave, noob', with a smile and a laugh. Something like this:

• Queue up another game.

One day I hope to be a middle of the road player. I've been playing this game for about a year and a half now and I am still not even average as I'm still in silver league. My dream is gold. Then I can finally say that I can play starcraft.

Wish me luck.

PS If you haven't yet bought it, then buy it. It's a good game. I'm just very, very bad at it.

I am glad because I have a chance to redeem myself, as the new one is out soon, Heart Of The Swarm. Bronze league, here I come!