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How Not To Play Starcraft 2 - A Noobs Guide To Losing Every Game

Updated on November 23, 2013

A pro gives his opinion

I've been playing Starcraft 2 since it came out. I played my placement matches eagerly, to see in which of the five leagues I was going to be placed, diamond, maybe platinum? I got bronze. I realised that I was bad so after getting beaten a few times by everyone I played, I decided to get good.

I have watched a lot of games, played a lot of games, talked about games, been on the starcraft forum and read about other people playing and talking about games.

I could almost call myself, not an expert, but someone who knows what he's talking about when it comes to starcraft. An authority. A big swinger. The only problem is, I'm absolutely terrible at it and I'm actually getting worse.

There has never been anything else that I can think of that I have practiced a lot at and not only not improved, but actually got worse at as time has gone on. I have read a lot of guides on what to do and I know what needs to be done.

What needs to be done to win a Starcraft match

The way I play the game is, when I queue up the match, I remember the things that I need to do without fail every game.

  • Make workers continually until I have about 70 or have won.
  • Scout.
  • Keep minerals as low as possible.
  • Never queue units.

What I probably shouldn't do, but do anyway;

  • Panic when I have an engagement and instead of microing, just stare at the screen, frozen in a state of confusion as my army gets chewed apart by laser beams/guns/teeth/whatever else in an orgy of blood, pain and slowly diminishing screams.
  • Only notice after my army has been ripped apart that I had loads of minerals in the bank.
  • Realise that my opponents neverending onslaught of powerful units that are hungry for total annihilation, humiliation and the ritual debagging of my troops are not going to stay at his base for a few minutes while I pull myself back together.
  • Finally start to get my small army back together into some sort of state of reasonable readiness for action again, before remembering I haven't scouted for a while.
  • Realise as I start an engagement that I forgot to build any detectors, so can't see his invisible units, that are deep in my army, pulling the troops pants down at will, while giggling and slicing.
  • Realise that it wouldn't matter anyway, as his army is so enormous, that my three unit army is probably not going to be able to take it on anyway, even with awesome micro. That I don't have.
  • Feel the warm glow of satisfaction and happiness as a flock of mutalisks enter my mineral line and start dropping hot bombs all over my helpless workers.
  • Take the friendly advice that I'm given to 'just leave, noob', with a smile and a laugh. Something like this:

He just called me a noob. HaaaHHaaHaaaa

Which starcraft league are you in?

See results
  • Queue up another game.

One day I hope to be a middle of the road player. I've been playing this game for about a year and a half now and I am still not even average as I'm still in silver league. My dream is gold. Then I can finally say that I can play starcraft.

Wish me luck.

PS If you haven't yet bought it, then buy it. It's a good game. I'm just very, very bad at it.

I am glad because I have a chance to redeem myself, as the new one is out soon, Heart Of The Swarm. Bronze league, here I come!


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    • Rain Defence profile image

      Rain Defence 4 years ago from UK

      70 is the right number for all races, it's just getting there that can be problematic.

    • profile image

      Unforeseen 4 years ago

      Sounds like OP needs to play zerg. Minimal micro required, lots of workers. 70 is too much for other races.

    • Rain Defence profile image

      Rain Defence 4 years ago from UK

      Yes, watching the pew pew of your army while your minerals rack up is an excellent to play. Having savings is always nice and sets you up for the future and you need to check your boys are doing things right when it comes to the fight. Reinforcements are for wimps!

    • BraidedZero profile image

      James Robertson 4 years ago from Texas

      Great Hub! I enjoyed reading it. One thing I wanted to say is that you need to keep your eyes on your army while out attacking. If you come back and notice you have a lot of minerals that's good. It means you watched your army. Also, I enjoyed that you included "Korean" as its own League. Very hilarious. And I was also called a noob by one of my allies in a 4v4. It is the epitome of humbling.

    • Rain Defence profile image

      Rain Defence 4 years ago from UK

      Oh yeah I'm planning on a long and lengthy stay in bronze before eventually clambering into silver. See you on the battlefield!

    • profile image

      ForeverNoob 4 years ago

      LOL I have played since launch and can still releate to this. I just managed to get gold for the first time, but I guess its straight back to bronze when HOTS is released :P

    • Rain Defence profile image

      Rain Defence 4 years ago from UK

      Well I have never beaten a diamond, but I did beat a few golds and a platinum once. I'm a bit out of practice now so am not on that level any more unfortunately. However when heart of the swarm comes out, I'll be playing it loads again and will be aiming for the stars (and probably missing). Thanks for your comment.

    • profile image

      yep! 4 years ago

      I know the feeling started out in bronze lower than low. Same goes for my random team games went on for a couple of seasons silver was the highest i could reach. But..... I decided to start a new account and delete the old one. Started to watch replays, day9 vids, reading forums and articles and gave it another go. After placement i got bronze and silver in all leagues but because of the studying i pounded my way through the leagues by winning. Currently i'm high diamond in all of them. So everything is possible jist have fun doing what u do!

    • Rain Defence profile image

      Rain Defence 5 years ago from UK

      I think being told you're a noob is a staple of Starcraft and online gaming in general. I was playing Starcraft the other night and got the obligatory 'noob' comments, but I just agreed that yes I am a noob. I tend to find agreeing with these people that I am rubbish takes the wind out of their sails. Thanks for your comment and keep on playing!

    • aa lite profile image

      aa lite 5 years ago from London

      LOL this is so much like my experience of playing starcraft. I did have a period when I played in constantly and was holding my own, but then I lost focus again. The worst thing is when palying 2v2 and being told by your "ally" what a noob you are!

    • profile image

      superliffy 5 years ago

      i'm a total nub but having pretty good times anyway... keep playin for fun :)

    • Rain Defence profile image

      Rain Defence 5 years ago from UK

      Thanks! I'm thinking of giving it another good go, trying to focus on one thing only til I've got it down, then moving to the next. That's supposedly a good way to improve. I may write another hub if I manage to do this!

    • glenn wallace profile image

      glenn wallace 6 years ago

      I can empathize! My placement matches went so lousy, I pondered out loud whether Blizzard had a "Tin" league for me.

      Good luck on improving!