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Ten signs of old age in men and women

Updated on May 17, 2011

Women:

1) The hair in your armpits stops growing (and thins out elsewhere, if you get my drift).

2) The husband lovingly pinches the fat on your stomach instead of your rear.

3) Builders keep working when you walk past. (You become so invisible you could probably walk through Customs carrying a cannabis plant - on second thoughts, don't try that one).

4) You would rather have a nice cup of tea and a scone than a 'quickie' with the old man.

5) Anything with 'garden' in the name starts to appeal - garden centre, garden birds.

6) Shoes become flat, wide and comfortable rather than sexy ... note: you cannot have it both ways.

7) You send all that funny, uncomfortable, black underwear to Help the Aged.

8) All policemen look like your grandson.

9) Young women insist on talking to you in a jollying fashion.

10) You cough to cover up the 'creaks' from more embarrassing places.

Source

Men.

1) Hair sprouts from absolutely everywhere, except your head. (You find you can plait your nose hair, the hair on your ears makes people suspect you are a closet weir wolf and your eyebrows form an impenetrable hedge eyed longingly by sparrows).

2) Your change your subscription from Loaded magazine to one for Model building (and no, it's not that sort of model).

3) You would rather have a cup of tea and a cheese sandwich than a 'quickie' with the missus.

4) They are all 'quickies' these days. (They have to be before cramp sets in).

5) You need a baby sling carrier to support your overhang at the front.

6) You smooth down your 'comb over' and still think women fancy you.

7) You find you don't mind going to the garden centre with your old lady as much as you did. (She finds this is a sign of much-needed maturity in you).

8) You're getting so long in the tooth that they worryingly start to resemble tombstones. (This only refers to the ones you have left, of course).

9) You allow the cat to jump on the bed as this is a good excuse not to have to make love to the wife. (It's well known that cats are easily scandalised and discomfited by such behaviour).

10) Sometimes you think you have said things when you have only thought them.(This always leads to arguments with the wife and is not to be confused with the times you have actually said things when you should have kept them strictly in your mind).

Awww ...
Awww ... | Source

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    • aesta1 profile image

      Mary Norton 9 months ago from Ontario, Canada

      Oh I can add so many other things from my own experience. It's good to know it is not only me going through these changes. I can just laugh at it.

    • Angie Jardine profile image
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      Angie Jardine 5 years ago from Cornwall, land of the eternally youthful mind ...

      Funny, fpherj48 : )

      Many thanks for the comment and the kind votes, m’dear.

      As the well-known saying goes ‘Old age ain’t no place for cissies’ so we may as well get a laugh out of it if we can.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Oh how I love this! and because I'm not at all sensitive about my age and the onset of all the above....I think I'm going to bed now and cry myself to sleep. Thanks!!!!!!!!! UP++

    • Angie Jardine profile image
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      Angie Jardine 5 years ago from Cornwall, land of the eternally youthful mind ...

      Great! Glad you found it funny. Many thanks ...

    • K9keystrokes profile image

      India Arnold 5 years ago from Northern, California

      Very fun list! I enjoyed this read so much! Thanks for the grins. I will be sharing with my FB friends for sure!

      HubHugs~

    • Angie Jardine profile image
      Author

      Angie Jardine 5 years ago from Cornwall, land of the eternally youthful mind ...

      You’re welcome, Martie … so glad it made you laugh. And thanks for letting me know that it did :)

    • MartieCoetser profile image

      Martie Coetser 5 years ago from South Africa

      Lol! This is awesomely funny! Thanks for the laugh, Angie!

    • Angie Jardine profile image
      Author

      Angie Jardine 5 years ago from Cornwall, land of the eternally youthful mind ...

      Thanks for the votes etc, Jaye.

      It is such a relief isn’t it, to let go of vanity? I tend to try not to look in the mirror if I can help it these days.

      Not bothered about the wrinkles but could do without seeing how thick my waist is though.

    • JayeWisdom profile image

      Jaye Denman 5 years ago from Deep South, USA

      Hi, Angie...I enjoyed the chuckles while acknowledging there is much truth included with the humor. I don't know if it's the same with other aging women, but as the changes associated with longevity began happening to me, I lost much of my vanity. This helps...as well as not wearing your glasses when you look in the mirror!

      Voted Up++

      Jaye

    • Angie Jardine profile image
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      Angie Jardine 5 years ago from Cornwall, land of the eternally youthful mind ...

      Hi Peggy … I bet there are women out there who think we are lying. I bet some women need the wolf whistles of workmen to bolster their self-esteem. Hopefully they will one day realise like we have that such approval is just not necessary.

      Thanks for the votes, m’dear ...

    • Angie Jardine profile image
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      Angie Jardine 5 years ago from Cornwall, land of the eternally youthful mind ...

      So glad my lunacy gave you a giggle, duffsmom … and I agree with you. As long as there are no holes in my knickers and my face isn’t covered in mud I’m quite happy with my appearance. :)

    • Peggy W profile image

      Peggy Woods 5 years ago from Houston, Texas

      I was just at the garden nursery yesterday in my nice flat shoes. At least at this age, we can wear what we want and can nicely skip the latest and greatest of styles...especially if they have spiky heels. No danger of getting any whistles from workmen these days! Actually that is rather nice. I never liked that. Funny hub. Voted that and sharing. There are many others who will relate and like a good laugh today.

    • duffsmom profile image

      P. Thorpe Christiansen 5 years ago from Pacific Northwest, USA

      Delightfully funny and all so true. I think as we get older our priorities change, and I am happy nowadays with neat and clean in my personal appearance...fashion has gone right out the window. Thanks for the giggle!

    • Angie Jardine profile image
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      Angie Jardine 5 years ago from Cornwall, land of the eternally youthful mind ...

      Hi Daisy … thanks for stopping by. I need to catch up with your writing too.

    • Daisy Mariposa profile image

      Daisy Mariposa 5 years ago from Orange County (Southern California)

      Angie,

      What a fun list! This is the first of your Hubs that I've read. I'm looking forward to reading more.

    • Angie Jardine profile image
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      Angie Jardine 5 years ago from Cornwall, land of the eternally youthful mind ...

      Of course you do. Thanks for reminding me, Comfort. A nice beige cardi with lilac socks … and a purple hat ;)

    • ComfortB profile image

      Comfort Babatola 5 years ago from Bonaire, GA, USA

      Very funny indeed. You forget this one, 'you feel you have to wear a cardigan and socks with every outfit'. Nice hub. Voted up and funny.

    • Angie Jardine profile image
      Author

      Angie Jardine 5 years ago from Cornwall, land of the eternally youthful mind ...

      Hi sunshine … don’t worry about taking these signs seriously.

      I’ve found that I take fewer and fewer things seriously now … one of my husbands once memorably remarked that I 'would laugh if my arse was on fire’. He had a point ...

    • Angie Jardine profile image
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      Angie Jardine 5 years ago from Cornwall, land of the eternally youthful mind ...

      Hi mary … yep, there are definitely advantages to getting old, strangely enough. It’s sort of a compensation …

      For me being invisible means I can now go to the supermarket without having to put mascara on … very liberating :)

    • Sunshine625 profile image

      Linda Bilyeu 5 years ago from Orlando, FL

      LOL! Now this is a fun list! Well, I guess it's not that fun if someone is showing all the signs of old age. Well, then again depending on how serious you take the signs. Excellent hub Angie! :)

    • mary615 profile image

      Mary Hyatt 5 years ago from Florida

      Boy, I can relate to this Hub! It is kind of nice in a way to enjoy some of these perks to getting older. I don't mind getting older as long as everything works! I could walk out of Walmart with half the store and no one would notice: I am invisible.

      I voted this UP, etc. and will share.

    • Angie Jardine profile image
      Author

      Angie Jardine 5 years ago from Cornwall, land of the eternally youthful mind ...

      Hi Jools … good ol’ Google - it doesn’t do tact does it … lol.

      And it can advertise dementia all it wants … I’ve got enough already.

      Erstwhile hairs, eh? I’ve heard they’re the worst kind!

    • Jools99 profile image

      Jools99 5 years ago from North-East UK

      Angie - Aw look how Google works - there's an NHS Dementia ad at the bottom of the hub.....scary! Great hub which I laughed at - hubby is starting to get what I call 'erstwhile' hairs growing out of his eyebrows, the first signs I fear...and I'm a bit older than him.

    • Angie Jardine profile image
      Author

      Angie Jardine 5 years ago from Cornwall, land of the eternally youthful mind ...

      Hi tony ... I believe daftness is the right of all right thinking people and am presently attending daftness classes to up my level of daftness. See, it's working already :)

      Thanks for commenting ...

    • tonymead60 profile image

      Tony Mead 5 years ago from Yorkshire

      hi

      it sometimes seems that the older you get the dafter you get, but when I look at some of the younger generations I think we are doing okay.

      fun hub

      cheers Tony

    • Angie Jardine profile image
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      Angie Jardine 6 years ago from Cornwall, land of the eternally youthful mind ...

      Many thanks for taking the time to comment, htodd ... I appreciate it.

      All the best ...

    • htodd profile image

      htodd 6 years ago from United States

      Great post..Thanks

    • Angie Jardine profile image
      Author

      Angie Jardine 6 years ago from Cornwall, land of the eternally youthful mind ...

      Ah, I guess the thing is to live very much in the present before the extra hair - or lack of it - gets ya, Michael. It's good to see that it hasn't got to your feet yet though ...

      Bless

      Angie

    • michael ely profile image

      michael ely 6 years ago from Scotland

      Hi Angie Jardine, Quality read. A lot of very funny examples. I'm in my 40's so i haven't got all of them but give it time....

      Cheers. Michael.

    • Angie Jardine profile image
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      Angie Jardine 6 years ago from Cornwall, land of the eternally youthful mind ...

      Sad, isn't it ... but I cherish my toes these days.

      Thanks for the support, Jeannie.

    • Jeannieinabottle profile image

      Jeannie InABottle 6 years ago from Baltimore, MD

      Great hub, Angie. And you are so right about the shoes. Comfort and sexy just do not mix.

    • Angie Jardine profile image
      Author

      Angie Jardine 6 years ago from Cornwall, land of the eternally youthful mind ...

      Yes, makingsense ... it's disappointing isn't it? I didn't sign up for all that!

      All the best

      Angie

    • profile image

      Makingsense 6 years ago

      Ha Ha... it'd be funnier if it wasn't true!