Ten signs of old age in men and women
Women:
1) The hair in your armpits stops growing (and thins out elsewhere, if you get my drift).
2) The husband lovingly pinches the fat on your stomach instead of your rear.
3) Builders keep working when you walk past. (You become so invisible you could probably walk through Customs carrying a cannabis plant - on second thoughts, don't try that one).
4) You would rather have a nice cup of tea and a scone than a 'quickie' with the old man.
5) Anything with 'garden' in the name starts to appeal - garden centre, garden birds.
6) Shoes become flat, wide and comfortable rather than sexy ... note: you cannot have it both ways.
7) You send all that funny, uncomfortable, black underwear to Help the Aged.
8) All policemen look like your grandson.
9) Young women insist on talking to you in a jollying fashion.
10) You cough to cover up the 'creaks' from more embarrassing places.
Men.
1) Hair sprouts from absolutely everywhere, except your head. (You find you can plait your nose hair, the hair on your ears makes people suspect you are a closet weir wolf and your eyebrows form an impenetrable hedge eyed longingly by sparrows).
2) Your change your subscription from Loaded magazine to one for Model building (and no, it's not that sort of model).
3) You would rather have a cup of tea and a cheese sandwich than a 'quickie' with the missus.
4) They are all 'quickies' these days. (They have to be before cramp sets in).
5) You need a baby sling carrier to support your overhang at the front.
6) You smooth down your 'comb over' and still think women fancy you.
7) You find you don't mind going to the garden centre with your old lady as much as you did. (She finds this is a sign of much-needed maturity in you).
8) You're getting so long in the tooth that they worryingly start to resemble tombstones. (This only refers to the ones you have left, of course).
9) You allow the cat to jump on the bed as this is a good excuse not to have to make love to the wife. (It's well known that cats are easily scandalised and discomfited by such behaviour).
10) Sometimes you think you have said things when you have only thought them.(This always leads to arguments with the wife and is not to be confused with the times you have actually said things when you should have kept them strictly in your mind).
