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Just shy of 2 weeks.....

Updated on January 11, 2010

13 days and I'm still here!

Well it seems just shy of a lifetime ago, but just 13 days ago I did something I've been wanting to do for almost 10 years.  I completely went off the drug Effexor.  It can be prescribed for anxiety, depression, or as mood stabilizer.  I'm sure they've used it for all kinds of stuff but that is what it was prescribed for in me.

Anyway it was shear torture for quite some time but I think I am almost at the top of the mountain at this point.  I don't believe I am free to enjoy the downhill slope just yet but I am more and more hopeful.  Lots of the side effects are tapering down.  I don't itch my skin off and scar my skin in my sleep right now.  I haven't had a brain zap in days now.  I haven't wanted to punch anyone in the face for most of the week. 

Amazing how when you alter brain chemistry what kind of things can happen.  I never thought I would want to feel what it was like to actually punch someone in the face.  Yet at some point I really wanted to experience that in my frustration.  I just wanted to feel the pain in my hand, the sound that it would make, maybe the sense of satisfaction that others have felt.  I just wanted relief.  Relief from all the feelings that made me so frustrated, angry and moody.  I tried talking, believe me I have talked my friends to sleep. 

I just want to feel better.  I thought about drinking but I know that is not a cure to what I am experiencing.  I also know that while this is still in my system I am concerned about what imbalances I could do by adding alcohol.  Geez how much more can I f**k up my brain right now?

I have resorted to tylenol pm in the evenings when I know there is no way in Hell that my brain will slow down to let me rest.  It has been a life saver yet I don't want to rely on this or anything else that isn't as natural as can be.  The passion flower has been a life saver and worked well for most of the insomnia, anxiety and crawling feelings in my body.

I still feel as if I can't take a deep breathe.  As if the muscles in my chest and back are bound a little too tightly and won't let me be.  I just want to unlace them, take that deep breathe and relax that portion of my body.  I can't seem to put my shoulders down.  They stay up around my ears and my teeth are slightly clenched.  All due to this drug that was to HELP me.

I am looking forward to the day when I can write that I survived this and that I am moving forward with my new healthy life.  I do see the light at the end of the tunnel, dim as it is I do see it now.  I just can't seem to move fast enough towards it.  I keep thinking I can sprint and I will be there quicker but then my body tells me to halt in my tracks or go back a little bit to regroup.

I have been forcing myself to go out and be social this past week.  I can't stay couped up in the safety of the farm.  So I attended a networking business luncheon.  I of course was late since my meeting before that, health related, ran late.  So I walked in 15 minutes late and half the group had already introduced themselves. 

I just sat down and listened as they went around the large table seated with around a dozen or more entrepreneurs.  When they got to me I apologized for being late.  I then proceeded to introduce myself and tell what it is I do for a living.  After they picked up their jaws I began answering as many questions as I could handle.

At first it was a bit uncomfortable since I had been hibernating at home so unstable I didn't want to drive.  Now I felt great.  People were interested in what I did, had questions and thought it was truly an interesting profession.  I was elated to say the least that they didn't boo me out of the meeting.  Somehow I thought it was for just suits and ties and a farm girl in jeans might not be a good fit.  Wrong.

I made it threw the luncheon, met new people and actually enjoyed myself.  I did crank up and have a bit of anxiety at the end since I had not taken my lunch time Omega 3's or my Passion flower caps.  I ran errands and by the time I got home to take them I was just about a nut case.  I was ranting and complaining about just about everything to cross my path.  Once again lesson learned in this whole detoxing Effexor from my body. 

I am grateful to the friends who have supported me, listened to me and held me as I cried my eyes out and snotted on their shirts.  I love you all and will do the same for you if ever need be.

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