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22 Years

Updated on April 15, 2010

I am feeling a little down today. It is the 22nd anniversary of my Dads death. Some of you may have read my Hub on this 'Time Stood Still'. My Father committed suicide. I had to go to the Dr. the week after he died. My insides would not quit shaking. He put me on some medication for about 2 weeks and after that I was better, the shakiness stopped.

So strange, I was going through some personal things at the house the other day and I came across the suicide note that he left. My Dad was a very troubled man, and it showed in the note.

The first 10 years after he died was very hard around this time of the year. I would start to feel shaky on the inside, my thoughts were on 'what is wrong with me?' Then when I looked at the calendar I would realize the anniversary of his death was fast approaching. I relived that day on the anniversary for 10 years. The whole scenario would go through my mind. What time I found him, how I found him, calling 911, the law getting there, the questions, the funeral home picking him up, having to tell my family. It was a very traumatic day for me as I had to deal with it all alone til family got there that night.

He missed out on seeing his grandkids grow up and never got to see his great grandkids. More than that we missed his love and he missed out on their love and ours . I still miss him but the pain has eased and life goes on. He said once before my grandmother died, ' When we die we are only a memory.' He is right that is all we can be. But we hold those that have gone ahead of us in our hearts and the love is still alive, so that makes the memory sweeter. I still miss him and think of him often.

It's hard to believe that 22 years have passed since that terrible day. I wish that he had not taken his life , it changed our lives forever.

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    • singlmomat52 profile imageAUTHOR

      singlmomat52 

      8 years ago

      As you continue to write it will get easier. You will just let the words flow as they may and give freedom to what is stored there inside of you. Thank you for the nice comment and for stopping in to read my hub. I love to write and this has been very good for my spirit and my soul. And I hope that I can help someone in some way by expressing how I feel. Thanks again!!

    • profile image

      ahorseback 

      8 years ago

      Sometimes I am torn about the things I write and share with others , being a very private and shy person , and this hubbing is new and a bit uncomfortable for me , but when I read things like this I realize why we need to share. You are setting an great example for others that is so positive.....Keep up....

    • singlmomat52 profile imageAUTHOR

      singlmomat52 

      8 years ago

      Thank You James!! I appreciate that read my Hub, you are so busy and have so many comments yourself to comment on. Thank you for taking the time to read mine and for the compliment. But I wrote the Hub as a release from what I was feeling that day and I always write from my heart, and honestly. Thanks again.

    • James A Watkins profile image

      James A Watkins 

      8 years ago from Chicago

      Your story caused the hair to stand up on my arms. I can feel your emotion right through the computer screen. That's good writing. And an honest voice. Thank you.

    • singlmomat52 profile imageAUTHOR

      singlmomat52 

      8 years ago

      Thank you Sa ge, We all need the support of others at one time or another. I appreciate the blessings and thank you for reading my Hub and your sweet comment.

      Cheryl I agree with you, Our time here is of the flesh and we will see our loved ones again one day. He contributed much to my life, some good some not so good, but all in all he was a good man and I loved him. Thank you for your thoughts and support. Thanks for the nice comment.

      Zsuzy, my heart goes out to you. A loss like that is so hard because it leaves so many unanswered questions. I am so sorry for your loss. I recently wrote a Hub on suicide that brings up much of how the ones left behind are feeling. Thank you so much for your comment. My thoughts and best wishes go out to you as well.

      Lecie, I believe that your Mom is doing the right thing by teaching you what she has learned from his death. Suicide is never the right choice. It is a action of the moment. I believe that everyone at one time or another in their lives have given thought to it to some degree on the spectrum. With most it is just a passing thought whereas with others they take it to the ultimate decision. I am so sorry for your loss and I thank you for your comment.

    • profile image

      Lecie 

      8 years ago

      i have also known a couple people who have taken their lives. one of them was my second cousin who killed himself before i was born. but every year around the day he killed himself my mom begins to talk about him. she wants me to know how great he was and reminds me why he took his life so that i will not make the same choice. he was very kind, funny and probably the smartest person in our family when it came to school work. he took his life because a girl led him on and then made a fool out of him when he asked her out in front of her friends. my mom said, that must have been the one thing he couldn't handle. being made a fool. she has encouraged me to make a fool out of myself at least once a day so that i will not wind up like him. i just wish i could've met him as he seems so nice from my moms stories. you're right, it really does effect our lives forever. even if you never met the person.

    • Zsuzsy Bee profile image

      Zsuzsy Bee 

      8 years ago from Ontario/Canada

      I feel your pain, as it will be 20 years on December 26th when my Mom left us the same way as your Dad. It took a very long time for me to come to grips with it and to find peace with it all.

      '.....it changed our lives forever.' truer words will never be spoken. I'm not the same person I was before, my two then teenaged children did not stay the same and my youngest who was only two at the time did not have a chance to get to know the great little lady that her Grandma was. We all lost.....

      my thoughts and best wishes to you on this, your memorial day

      Zsuzsy

    • _cheryl_ profile image

      _cheryl_ 

      8 years ago from California

      I honestly can't imagine the pain of losing a loved one the way that you did. I'm glad to hear that you've been able to let go and find peace through it all. It's always hard to deal with the feeling of just missing our lost loved ones physical nearness, but I find my peace in knowing that our lives here are just that of flesh, and our souls will be reunited in time. I've learned to look at my loved one's date of passing as a time to reflect and celebrate the life he lived and what he contributed to myself and others. Wishing you warm and comforting thoughts! =)

    • Sa`ge profile image

      Sa`ge 

      8 years ago from Barefoot Island

      a beautifu story you share with us all, Blessings to you my dear singlmom, aloha~sa`ge

    • singlmomat52 profile imageAUTHOR

      singlmomat52 

      8 years ago

      I am sorry for your loss sheila b., you have my heartfelt sympathy.

      I have let go of him. I know he is in a much better place and free of all his troubles.

      If he thought that no one cared, he was so wrong.

      Thank you for reading my Hub and for your deep felt comment.

    • sheila b. profile image

      sheila b. 

      8 years ago

      I was with my father when he died in a hospital. I spent the night with him, and the nurses told me he only had hours left. I told him how much I'd miss him, but I knew he had to leave. A tear rolled out of his eye. I'm crying as I write this, because I don't know if my words hurt him or saddened him or if he was crying for me. The reason I'm telling you this is I feel you have to let your father go. I can imagine you were angry with him for a long time, and now you're just left with asking why?

      I can't help but think for him to kill himself where he knew you'd find him, he must have thought you wouldn't feel badly. He had expectations for himself. Whatever they were, he believed he'd failed, and he felt worthless. That's why he was able to kill himself and think nobody would care.

      I really hope you'll find peace. You had an experience no one should have to endure. For your own sake, tell your dad to rest in peace.

    • singlmomat52 profile imageAUTHOR

      singlmomat52 

      8 years ago

      Thank you for your lovely comment.

      Yes, you are right!

      I appreciate you reading my Hub.

    • Putz Ballard profile image

      Putz Ballard 

      8 years ago

      God bless you as you remember your dad. I had an uncle who took his life. There are no answers to our questions and we find our refuge in the memories that were created when there was life and in the solace and comfort of a loving Heavenly Father.

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