22 Years

I am feeling a little down today. It is the 22nd anniversary of my Dads death. Some of you may have read my Hub on this 'Time Stood Still'. My Father committed suicide. I had to go to the Dr. the week after he died. My insides would not quit shaking. He put me on some medication for about 2 weeks and after that I was better, the shakiness stopped.

So strange, I was going through some personal things at the house the other day and I came across the suicide note that he left. My Dad was a very troubled man, and it showed in the note.

The first 10 years after he died was very hard around this time of the year. I would start to feel shaky on the inside, my thoughts were on 'what is wrong with me?' Then when I looked at the calendar I would realize the anniversary of his death was fast approaching. I relived that day on the anniversary for 10 years. The whole scenario would go through my mind. What time I found him, how I found him, calling 911, the law getting there, the questions, the funeral home picking him up, having to tell my family. It was a very traumatic day for me as I had to deal with it all alone til family got there that night.

He missed out on seeing his grandkids grow up and never got to see his great grandkids. More than that we missed his love and he missed out on their love and ours . I still miss him but the pain has eased and life goes on. He said once before my grandmother died, ' When we die we are only a memory.' He is right that is all we can be. But we hold those that have gone ahead of us in our hearts and the love is still alive, so that makes the memory sweeter. I still miss him and think of him often.

It's hard to believe that 22 years have passed since that terrible day. I wish that he had not taken his life , it changed our lives forever.