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5 Signs Youre a Crap Friend

Updated on December 23, 2009

Are you a crap friend? Do you suck at maintaining relationships with your mates? Have you ever been told as much? Funnily enough, most crap friends seem totally oblivious to the fact they're utterly crappy and worthless as mates. If you're someone who may be wondering if they fall into this category of suckage, let me assist your internal search by providing you with a brief list of behaviors and traits which pretty much guarantee that you're a crap friend indeed. And if you embody all of these characteristics and can still smile about it, you're probably a tosser as well!

1. It's all about you.

Do you ever ask your friends how they're doing? Or do you just respond to their inquiries when asked about yourself? Or, even worse, do you ask your mates how they've been and then totally ignore the answer? If you've answered yes to this, you're a crap friend, and your mates should consider slapping some courtesy into you.

2. You break plans the moment something "better" comes along.

And by this I'm not referring to something like canceling that cup of coffee because Hugh Grant has just introduced himself and would like to take you to dinner; a friend would slap you if you didn't cancel for that sort of thing. But if you cancel, say, a birthday dinner for your best girl friend because it's raining and you're too vain to get out in the rain and muss your hair up for a few seconds, you're a crap friend. You're also a crap friend if you ditch your friend for other friends you deem more entertaining, rich, interesting, pretty, well-connected, etc. In other words, if you ditch Kathy on Christmas cos she can only afford McDonalds and hang out with Kristen cos she's willing to treat you to dinner at the Waldorf, you're a crap friend.

3. You've got no idea when your best mate's birthday is.

You needn't know every birthday of every "hi and bye" friend you've got, but if you don't know your closest friends birthdays, it's because you don't care enough to write it down and remember it -- which stems from that "it's all about you" issue we mentioned earlier. And if you've got a short term memory issue, buy a pencil and some paper and write it the hell down. That, or give back all the presents your mates have given you over the years, because you haven't deserved them.

4. You take, take, take and never give.

Do you soak up a lot of (solicited) advice from your mates, but never offer any up when it's asked of you? Do you let your mates pay for your drinks every time you go out and never return the favor? Do you constantly ask your friends to do you a favor, but never have time to help them when they ask you for one in return? Do you soak up every last bit of everyone else's energy and never bother to offer up any of your own? If you've answered yes, you're a crap friend.

5. Are you competitive or jealous of your mates?

Healthy competition is fine, but if you secretly smile because your best friend looks awful in that shade of lipstick -- which makes you prettier for that moment in time -- then you're a crap friend. If you secretly covet her boyfriend, you're a crap friend. If you flirt with her man behind her back, you're a crap friend. And if you do anything similar to any of these things, you're not a real friend at all.


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