ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

A Black Cloud Day, Depression But Not As We Know It.

Updated on March 15, 2011

The glorious sunshine is coming through the bedroom curtains, and is playing the light fantastic, bouncing wonderful colours back from the wallpaper and the mirrored wardrobe doors. It hints at the beautiful day outside. Bird song in my ears and the occasional whir of a car engine in the road below. It is Monday morning again!

Nothing changes, but this morning is different. I am comfortable, cosy and with my head under the covers, and I am in need of a comfort blanket or should I say comfort quilt? The happy pills have not been helpful recently, and so I pull the quilt over my head and refuse to let the day begin.

I can see soft billowing white clouds, or can it be the fibre filled quilt, so worn by age that I can see the quilting becoming thin in places. I look again and as I thought, it is the inside of the duvet allowing light to pass through the thinning fibres. I have many days like this, filled with misery and disappointment.

Determined to make an effort, I look at the clock, 9.44am, I really must get up. I sit up in bed and look around trying to find some incentive, but there isn't any. So I pull the quilt back over my head and settle down once more to wallow in self pity.  Suddenly, I hear the latch on the garden gate and someone knocks at the front door.  I don't move, I will not make a sound. They will go away. I can hear my mobile phone ringing downstairs, but I will not go and answer it, I am not here today. I try to be brave and have even put my foot out to touch the carpet, but I can't stand. I know I have to get up sometime, after all the kids are coming for tea.

Today is not a goldfish bowl day, which I have more recently become used to. I swim in my lonely bowl of existence, hearing people talk but the words do not make any sense.  They talk to me and as I swim my way to the surface, no words escape my lonely mouth. I try so hard to be heard, but trapped as I am in this terrifying place in my mind, I have become non-coherent. My life is passing by and it is leaving me behind.

I am a creature of my own making, a life in two halves.  The first half is bright, bubbly, intelligent and as my family will tell you, very loving. The second half of my life is foreboding, dark, almost sinister with a self destryuct button primed to go off at any moment.

There used to be a time I could see both halves of myself clearly, but now the latter takes over more often and I no longer have the strength to rescue me. I have grown tired, weary, and this self help theory is now hard to understand, I live each day as it comes.  The changes hour by hour are now my life and I fight my own devils daily.

I am writing a book, triumph over tragedy, what a laugh? How can I write with such inspiration and clarity, how can I introduce the humour necessary to portray bravery in an intelligent way, when I am sitting in the depths of despair? My alter ego takes over, which one I ask? Why, the bubbly, intelligent and loving one I reply.

The nice determined to live side of me accomplishes many things, some of greatness, for I am a community carer, and a good one at that. I look into my clients eyes and there is where I find my strength, the wonderment that has been within those eyes, young and old alike. Many lovely people who once played an important role in the community, a husband or wife, father or mother and a trusted friend and neighbour.  Eyes that were once full of vitality stare at me now with such great sadness. It takes so little to make those eyes shine again. A smile, hug or a kiss costs us nothing, a question asked about their past lives show those eyes light up once more and you have made a friend. Kindness, compassion and a little bit of interest enriches those lives who's simple existence has become a living nightmare.

So if you are like me, fighting with the dark side every day, remember the courage and bravery of those millions of people for whom the dark side never changes.  Those lovely elderly, intelligent people who once had a lively and vibrant life, who now sit in eternal darkness in the recesses of their minds day after day, month after month and in some cases, year after year. Many will tell you that they now just sit and wait, and as each friend passes on they ask "when is it my turn?"

So, the moral of this story is embrace every day that arrives, even if like mine yours too are black cloud days.  For every cloud has a silver lining so they say, you could be that silver lining of others people's days. A friendly smile, a chat or a simple hug is all it takes to let the sunshine in. Can you give someone a hug today? It is the best medicine you can get.

This little piece of writing is dedicated to all my lovely people who have shared their lives with me. My friend Ruby, who I will never forget, I miss you terribly. Mollie for the sing songs we had before you went to bed and Barney, you where a typical crabby old man, with a huge heart and a wicked sense of humour.  Charlie who always made fun about my very unreliable car and you left me with Florence who I love as if she was my own granny. Paddy for caring that my knee was sore though you could barely walk yourself and Annie for the open arms and loving hug I received each day I visited you. My lovely friend Lila for the precious time I still spend with you. The day it rained so hard you wouldn't let me leave the house without one of your headscarves. Even having such bad eyesight you insisted that the bow you tied was in the middle of my chin. And for all those awe inspiring stories you told me about working in the 'big house' and the bombing of Belfast.

I will continue to have my 'Black Cloud Day's' but as long as I have my little people to care for, that is all the encouragement I need to stand on my own two feet.  God bless you all.


Depression is as much a part of every day life, be it diagnosed or not. We all have our Black Cloud Days, but spare a thought for all those people that depression is a way of life. No amount of medication will give them any quality back. 

How much of it is our fault as a human being?  We are all capable of great things and much love. Make someone's day tomorrow, give them a hug.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment
    • writer20 profile image

      Joyce Haragsim 

      7 years ago from Southern Nevada

      A really great sad story. My mother was drepessed back in 50's. Guess what the doctor told my father, give her another baby to take her mind off herself. That was how Englands doctors thought then.

    • Mrs. J. B. profile image

      Mrs. J. B. 

      7 years ago from Southern California

      Depression is something I think we have all gone through at certain times in our lives. It is a rough spot but I think we heal as we go through it.

    • thebluestar profile imageAUTHOR

      Annette Donaldson 

      8 years ago from Northern Ireland

      Thank you ladies for all your support, Life can be a challenge for so many of us. My daughter in law has just been told she has post natal depression, such an effort to encourage her to take the happy pills. Such a stigma is depression that many wont admit to it and get the help they need.

    • b. Malin profile image

      b. Malin 

      8 years ago

      Bluestar, you've described Depression oh so well...It's got to be fought, it can never be allowed to totally take over. My niece, was bi-polar, she committed suicide four years ago...I don't have to tell you, how it devastated our family...You have us Hub friends, don't ever feel you are alone with it, as long as you can express on Hub Pages. We've all been there.

    • Mrs. J. B. profile image

      Mrs. J. B. 

      8 years ago from Southern California

      My Mom always talked about the black curtains..............

    • Genna East profile image

      Genna East 

      8 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Extraordinary, honest, and poignant. I can't thank you enough or sharing this...I only wish more people would, so perhaps more attention and care would be given to so many of us who have either experienced depression at times in our lives, or continue to do so. Bless you!

    • Just Ask Susan profile image

      Susan Zutautas 

      8 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Depression is such a dark numbing place. Have been through a few depressions and I pray I never have to go back there ever again. Very well written and I know exactly how everything in your hub feels.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)