ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

A Letter To Depression, My Oldest Friend

Updated on January 17, 2020

Dear Depression,

Yes, I know you’re still here. Creeping in my mind, feeding on my insecurities, celebrating my failures. You’re starting to get boring, honestly.

We’ve first met more than a decade ago. Heck, you’re my oldest friend. We’ve been through everything together, ever since you’ve first shown yourself in that school bathroom when I was twelve. Telling me saying “no” is for weaklings, when those boys assaulted me. Telling me exactly where to look for my grandmother’s blade to “let the blood out, along with my sorrow”. The blood was out, the sorrow remained.

You always give the worst advice. And I listen.

There is something hypnotizing about you. You know how to get to me. You know that I like to explore the depths of my awareness and that’s where you hide.
At that time, you held me for what, two years? Then I started doubting you. Remember, I found God, expanded my knowledge, developed my spirituality. A positive one.

I know that infuriated you. So, you captured me again in a moment of weakness, pulled me away from the good and showed me, this time with no pulling back, how horrifying the world is. How awful I am.

When I asked if there’s a meaning, you said no. When I asked what’s my purpose on this world, you asserted there's none. “You’re worthless”, you said.

That was when you got to my core. Keeping me alone in the bedroom, whispering that there’s no point in going out. Showing me even more brutal ways to harm myself, leaving me with these hideous scars I have to wear today. Convincing me not to tell anyone, because nobody cares.

I thought they will kill you, when I was hospitalized.

But you, you used the institution as a sign of your victory. And took control over me. Forcing me to say stupid things, to act psychotic, to hide handmade weapons against myself when you KNEW they will find them. And give me more pills, and give me more restrictions, and worse diagnoses, and confinement, and those eyes full of pity when they looked at me.

You thought you had me forever back then? You thought that everyone giving up on me will make me give up on myself too?

No way in hell.

I already tried to take my own life, I had nothing to lose.

Nevertheless, when I left the hospital and thrown my pills into the abyss of that disgusting public toilet, you still saw an opportunity to thrive in me. Only this time, I decided to fight you alone.

I defenseless, you energized with the darkness I was feeding you with for years.

And when I built my strength back, came your new trick. To hit me during winter, at the same time, every year. “I’ll only be here for a few months” you would say. Leaving me empty and even more alone after each season, making it harder every time to knock you out again.


Damn, you’re persistent.

You ruined everything. You ruined my feeling of self-worth, my charisma, my ability to love, my childhood curiousness, my dreaming nature, my potentials.

You chased away people from my life. You filled me with negativity because you knew that people will run away from the black hole before it consumes them.
Yet, I managed to pull myself out of every doomed scenario you cursed me with. And as much as you hate it, I’m still alive.


The reason why I’m writing you this letter is to ask you something. How do you feel now? How do you feel when there’s nothing left to empty? We’ve gone through everything together, you tried all your tricks. I know you have nothing new in your cards.

You can no longer defeat me.

Yeah, you can sway me off my path a little. Sure. Yes, you have built me towards your own image. Maybe I will never be "normal" again.
What you didn’t expect, I’m sure, is that despite all that, I learned to love myself. I know that’s your biggest weakness.

Now, it’s time for a same-level fight, you blood-sucking bully. I hope you’re ready, because I’m going to attack you will all I’ve got.

Until your next try, Depression,
Goodbye.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment
    • louiseelcross profile image

      Louise Elcross 

      4 months ago from Preston

      A very harrowing piece. Thank you for sharing and I hope you are ok.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://maven.io/company/pages/privacy

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)