Guilt, Pain & Loss Due to Suicide

If I could write a letter to the one I lost to suicide, I would tell her how very much I love her. I would talk about her amazing sense of humor and contagious smile. I would tell her that she was one of my heroes in life - a woman who faced a multitude of physical battles with strength, understanding and those giggles. She was someone living a life similar to mine - but with more experience and a level of compassion that many of us could only hope to achieve.

I would tell her about her granddaughter and how amazing she is. I would talk to her about how beautiful my daughter is and how no man will ever be good enough for her (in our opinion anyway). I would tell her all about my daughter's future plans and how bright her future looks.

I would tell her that I have never had bread pudding that is even close to the level of delicious that hers was. She could cook...Dear Lord.... could she cook!!!

I would tell her that I miss her and I am sorry that I let her down. I feel like I let her down because I did not see the signs that she was holding on by a string. I would say that she was an amazing grandma here on earth and that I know she is looking down on us. I would say that I wish she had not left us because she had so much to give and to receive from this world.

The reality is - I just don't have any answers. I know her struggles, her pain - at least some of it. The last time I saw her she was so vibrant and full of life! She had a huge smile on her face and looked more healthy than I'd seen her in a very long time. I just did not know that was the last time I would see her. The last time I would hug her. The last time we would exchange inappropriately hysterical jokes. The last time I would say, "See you soon and I love you."

It has been 8 years and I struggle greatly with guilt. I should have seen the signs. I should have spoken up and worked to get her help. I should have talked to her and made sure she knew I was here if she needed me. I can "should myself" until the day I die, but it won't change a thing. I don't know if any of us can ever find peace with the loss of her. She was amazing beyond description and I selfishly wish that my daughter and I had more time with her.

We lost my mother in law (although I prefer mother in love) on my daughter's 7th birthday. I remember that day with strange moments of incredible clarity and other small pieces of fuzzy time that are very hard to recall. My daughter had a huge birthday party at our house when I received the news and my husband ran out the door. My mom and my friends made sure that Lily had one of the best parties ever. They multi-tasked by helping me to make it through the day. These are my other heroes. I am blessed to have so many heroes in my life; those on Earth and those who are gone.

I recently wrote this poem about my internal struggle. I don't have any answers and I don't know how to work through these feelings, but I figure sharing this is a start. It will be a song one day soon.

For Beautiful Jane my poem titled "Save".

You stared right through with your clouded eyes
I was too far gone to recognize
You had lost your hold - your world fell apart
Drowning in the pain of your torn up heart.

I scream, I need, I want, I wish
I reach, I grasp, it's you I miss.

Could I have saved you
Or did I betray you
Checked my conscience at the door.

Could I have saved you
I fear that I failed you
Left the lies liquid on the floor.

Piece by piece, you fell away
Every setting sun pulled you closer to that day
I will never forget that day
You decided that you couldn't stay.

I scream, I need, I question fate
i cry in vain I was far too late.

Could I have saved you
My thoughts still enslave you
Circle round the days before.

Could I have saved you
I know now I've failed you
Didn't move, didn't speak, I was so damned weak,
as you drifted through life's final door.

Always remember that love is forever
My love is forever.

Copyright 2014 by DelaneyWorld.