A Perfect Love: Missing My Father

My Father was diagnosed with Diabetes Mellitus since 2010. With this medical condition he had hypertension and kidney stones. My father is a silent person that you might not think that he just keeps everything he feels on his own. I often read some text messages from his friends giving him some piece of advice as to what medicines to take but he never tell us his problems. He is a strict father cause he is a retired military personnel in our country.

He never showed his weaknesses in us. When I was far from my family I always dream of him.

One day, I called my 4-year old niece. My niece told me that I need to go home and I asked why. She mentioned that my father had to undergo amputation of big toe due to unhealed wound on his right big toe.

I texted my mother right away asking her why didn't she told me regarding my father's condition. My mother told me that she's afraid that I may commit suicide due to stress. I tried to be brave during those moments.

After a month, my mother contacted me that I need to go back to my country because of my father's condition. He had to undergo dialysis due to complications. I told my father that he really had to undergo dialysis so that his kidney might rest and in God's will his kidney may regain its health. My father refuses to undergo dialysis then. So, my mother told me to go back home . I told my employer regarding my father's condition and without any question they sent me home.

We had so much financial problems during those times wherein we sell our house and lot just to pay all our debts. We also planned to moved to other place and start business there using the remaining penny but God has his own plan.

One day, as I got home from my night shift work from 7pm to 7am I slept and my cousin woke me up because my father has difficulty in breathing and I had to assessed his conditions. I prepared myself just in case I had to bring him to hospital. he then told me that i had to return to sleep because he's already fine. I went back to sleep.

As I am about to go to work, my mother ask me if what are we going to do with my father. I told her that we should bring to the hospital right away since the problem is his "breathing/ airway". I went to work and my mother brought my father to the hospital. My mother called me saying that my father had to undergo Emergency Dialysis which kept me worried when I was at work. I just kept on crying then.

The Next morning, my mother updated me regarding my father's condition telling me that they had to intubate my father and he need to stay at ICU. My mother was so much worried with the hospital bills which we need to pay. So, from private hospital I told her to bring my father to public hospital just to continue their medical management.

He was then transferred to government hospital. After my night shift work, I had to attend him during the day and if I am on day shift I had to attend him during night. I was like robot then during those times. My mother had to file for leave just to attend my father's needs.

I saw much pain during those times when he was in the hospital. He stay almost a month. Luckily, he was discharged from the hospital. We continue taking care of him at home.

He had to undergo his dialysis 3x a week, take his medications and had epogen injection one a week.

After one year of treatment in our house, he decided to visit his doctor in another place were all of us didn't agree with his decision.

When he decided to undergo his medications far from us, we didn't agree with his decision yet he insisted. We told him that his doctor in our place doesn't won't allow him to and we can't accompany him since our jobs were in this place. " Are you satisfied with my condition? Do you really want me to be like this forever?", he said. He said that we don't need to accompany him since my fraternal family was there and they had to take care of him. We know that He can't see well and that's the reason why we don't want him to go. He bought his own plane ticket and had loans from his pension. He had enough money to fly and have his medical management there. He is so brave going on his own despite his condition.

I just recall when I was a child. He would be there to fetch me from school when I was 5 years old. We had to ride on his bicycle from school to our house. I had my daily regimen "My Ice Cream Moment". He always treat me with different flavors daily. He always surprise me since I am the eldest. He would give 100pesos in every subject with a perfect score in the exam. Of course, I love to study to earn money from him. He would always be there to watch me if I recite on stage and pin a ribbon during closing ceremonies. He's a proud father.

Two months ago, he left us forever with his memories in our hearts that forever will be cherished. He had to expire far from us. Two days prior to his death, he called me asking about my siblings. As his daughter, I can feel him. I know that he is trying to let me feel that he is fine but deep within he is not. He is coughing strongly if he is not talking to me but he is calming himself if he is talking to me. I knew that it was almost his last days on earth. He asked me if where are my siblings and what are their current conditions and status. After I told him everything that my youngest brother graduated in college, my sister had her work, my brother next to me had apply for the job and my second to the last sibling was not able to have his motorcycle, he then calms down. He told me that he will gave share to my youngest brother as a gift for his graduation and his approaching birthday. I really cried after our conversation. The next morning, my fraternal aunt called me asking financial help for my father's dialysis. I texted my mother and she sent money immediately. Later at night, they called us that my father is fighting for survival. They said that they already intubated him to open his airway.

I went inside a room and cry. I just pray and asked God for His guidance. "Lord, I know that my father suffered a long time. If I had to decide I'd rather choose him to rest in your arms rather than to continuously feel that he is in pain", I said. Early in the morning my mother called me crying telling me that my father died. I packed my things and asked for permission to my superior. I went home crying.

If i could turn back time, I really thought that I wished I never had the job just to be with my father until his last days on earth. I wished I never worked just to take care of him. All I have now in mind were regrets...