A Year Has Passed

A year has passed, as did my mom just over a year ago. A year ago we were at our height of honor. All of us including her were focused on seeing her out; to send her along her journey to wherever, if ever, we go somewhere. I believe we do most days. I have to believe in an afterlife - just to be able to put my feet in front of the other each day. I don’t really have a belief at my skeptical core as desperate as I am to change that. I have a hope there is something more to Life than this. At times I do believe there is something more and that is where I want to be. So I can believe we’ll see those people we loved again.

We were all together when she died, strained but united. Now a year later we stand divided. I can’t believe that would sit well with her if she sits somewhere now and is able to think about such things. I hope she’s in a better place, with the angels I guess – if I believed in angels. A place best described as “with the angels” is what I hope for. A place where souls can see past the bullshit the people of Earth are mired in. The tar pit trap we stumbled into when we lost our way.

She couldn’t be happy as the woman she was, the one we loved on Earth. The woman she was would not be happy to know the paths we took. Not mine at least. It is hard to imagine that she could be happy with how things have twisted and spiraled out of control. I don’t know if our replies of “we tried our best” would console her or if it is even true.

She left a big void in all of our lives. In many ways, she laid out this bed we all lay in now. She mediated between us - maybe too much, unseen and subtle perhaps? Maybe things didn’t get worked out, just shoved under a carpet somewhere. She didn’t like conflict, so we rarely discussed our issues - time was precious so we focused on positive things mainly.

She was our mother and loved us in a way we’ll never feel again, a person who knew more about us at times than we knew about ourselves. She gave us that unconditional love of a mother. She could hear three sides of a story and accept them all. We lived in a world where we could all be right, but that evaporated with her last breath. And when she left this Earth, she left individuals standing where before there had been a single unit.

We stand in a time of discord and anxiety now. Hopefully it is a temporary situation but it is steeped in obstacles and challenges of reconciling drastically varied viewpoints and lifestyles.  We don't even know how to begin.  At least, I don't.  A lot of damage has been done since she left. The journey back to a place she could be at peace with may be difficult but I don't think impossible – that's what I hope. I hope it is what we all are hoping. I just can't see where that path begins or where it leads or how I stay on it.

We can’t just erase all the decades of love and tears and joys and pains shared by a family. Things that no one else but those involved can truly relate to. Even if that shared experience was captured differently for all those involved it was still shared. It is what we are - it is our common ground. The challenge we face now is to meld the differences and move on. It is the battle of this next journey. A journey I’m not ready to take yet, I must admit, but I’m hopeful that I will be ready for it soon. And when I am will it be too late? I hope not. Not only for her sake but for mine, for everyone’s really. I believe all of us long to heal.

I wonder what my mother would think of me now. I wish I could check in with her. I thought we had everything said between us but I don’t think we did. Maybe a person never does have everything said. I missed “Thank-you”, I think. For all the hardships, we lived a good life because of her. She put up with a lot out of love. We are who we are in large part because of her teachings and guidance. I never said thank-you for that. I hope she just knows we had a year of grieving and soon I’m pretty sure we’ll start a year of healing. And we’ll be whole again. Then I’d feel more confident she’s at peace. I’m sure all of us want that.