ABOUT ONE MIDDLE AGED MAN AND HIS TYPE OF INTEGRITY

Most of us only live

for the time that lies

right ahead of us.

A few days, weeks, years.

One of the most painful moments

in a person’s life

comes with the inside

that an age has been reached

when there is more to look back on

than ahead.

You start to evaluate

Some relationships

were not forever ones

And some are here to stay

but they just change form

Older you become

You know it isn’t just over yet

You are just changing

You are just ageing

And yes, knowing that

is comforting,

but not always easy

sometimes

transformation unfolds effortlessly

and sometimes

it feels like pain

But pain is not suffering 


with you anymore


You feel it

breathe into it 


so deep
 submerge your heart


in pressure 
to come out

gasping


loving


laughing still

Because you know 


this is the right thing to do

you
 know that sometimes

what is best


is to go through


what you don’t want to

to live the life 
you want to

It breaks 
my heart

to see too many people

living 
like they have all the time


in the world


You don’t!

I want to shout

passing them by

Just leave 
the job

you hate

Leave the relationship 


you know you don’t want to be in

Walk away from people 
who abuse you

Get your fingers 
out of your throat

Take that blade 
off your skin

Stop looking in the mirror 
with so much hate

Tell the one you haven’t told, 
how much you love them

Ignorance is not a bliss

for one ageing old soul

We feel what is unspoken


even if we don't know

how to name it


if we don't understand it


we start to doubt ourselves


and we feel lost

We need to find ways to make sense


of what doesn't make sense at all

Because we know in our hearts


we feel in our body


disharmony

The number of people

I meet 
who tell me

they stayed in a situation


or a relationship 


well after

they knew


the love was gone 
is endless

for years and years

they struggle…

Because they are so terrified


of everything falling apart


all the time

it keeps
 making it worse
 and worse and worse

nothing is working

they are exhausted and scared


confused 


everything

built on 
an illusion

so thick

they are just pretending to live

So they go under 


instead of through


older you become

you know you have no time

Because under takes more effort
as

you have to climb back up

And while through 
may feel scarier 


it's the fastest,

cleanest way 
to get 
where you want 
to go

It demands you be honest 


direct and sincere 


it may seem 
excruciating

So is living this one life


you get 
in a way 


that doesn't feel 
true 
for you

Time is a curious thing indeed

And when time no longer lies

ahead of one,

other things have pops into his mind

Memories perhaps

Afternoon in the sun

with someone’s hand

clutched in one’s own.

The fragrance of flowers in fresh bloom

Sundays in a cafe or wilderness perhaps

Grandchildren yes

But they have their own lives to live

One apparently finds a way of living

for the sake of someone else’s future

but is it just giving your life over

like some unwanted gift?

It is still time to dream your own dreams

and live your own life

does it really matter

how short that road of yours

has become?