Addicted To Relationships--CoDependency

Hi, my name is k@ri and I am a co-dependent.

We all have our small addictions. It seems mine is relationships. I don’t really understand when or how it happened. Have I really been this way my whole life? Probably, most likely, yes. I realize now why I keep away from forming friendships. I also realize why my relationships have all ended so sadly. I strive to make others need me, and then I feel used when they don’t appreciate me.

This needing to be needed is why I end up in relationships with the wrong type of person. I encourage them. I love the users, the takers and the needy. When I find someone who loves me just for me, I run…run as far and as fast as possible. I know deep in my heart that they will find out how I am and leave me. They may see my fears, my doubts, my insecurities. They may find out I am not the strong and fearless individual I try to be. They may find out I fear abandonment. But that is not the only reason. I may have to face myself. I may have to admit the hurt that lives deeply hidden in me.

Sometimes I have to wonder…where did all this hurt come from? Then I tuck it back under its rug…lock it back into its closet, and continue my journey of denial. I come from a great family…loving, trusting, God fearing. I had an incredibly fantastic childhood. My parents are well adjusted individuals who love each other and their children. I am so blessed and so lucky in a world where there is so much hurt.

My hurt cannot be a real hurt. It must be some other stupid emotion, maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself. In a world with so much real hurt, I must be being indulgent. Not a pretty sight, not a noble past-time, and not the person I want to be. Herein lies my denial…I deny that I have the right to be hurt, I deny myself the right to feel sorrow. For some reason, I guess I do not deserve this God-given emotion.

Not deserving hurt, neither do I deserve unconditional love. There are always conditions. Stand tall, keep your chin up, be someone others can respect. Do your homework, clean your room, play nice. Be responsible, be someone others can trust, someone they can lean on. The strange thing is my siblings don’t feel this way. Why is it that I think so differently than others. I have always thought that I think too much…too deeply…too often. Why do I feel the weight of the world and others can shake it off like a dog come in from the rain?

I have known I am co-dependent for some time now, but I am only now learning how much it hurts me. After all, co-dependency does make me a very good nurse. And nursing feeds my co-dependency. I am not sure, but I may need to change careers to overcome this. My need to be needed may make my career very unhealthy for me.

As I get older, I find myself longing for a normal relationship. One where I can take, not just give. One where I can trust, not just be trustworthy. One where I can ask for and accept help, not just help. These things have been on my mind lately. I will continue to work on these issues. I know it will not be easy, but I want to overcome this with all my heart. Where there is a will, there is a way. I will do this!

Understanding the irrationality of my thoughts is the second step to overcoming this problem. The first step was admitting I have a problem. Hopefully, I will not get winded too easily climbing the many steps out of this hole. The light at the top looks so lovely, though, shining and clear. I will keep going, even if I need to rest occasionally.

I have made a promise to myself. I will tell others when they do things that make me angry or annoyed. I will accept compliments with grace. I will allow myself to love and be loved. It is a good day to start a new life.

There once was a young girl named k@ri

Who knew she must always be very

Loving and kind

Keep others in mind

And herself she must deeply bury

The first man she fell for was a wit

Who partied and drank quite a bit

The baby began

Did not fit in his plan

And so the two of them split

k@ri knew she must live for this girl

Her sweet little baby, her pearl

To put money in purse

Someone said be a nurse

And so k@ri gave it a whirl

Nursing fit k@ri just fine

Her boundaries began to decline

Others and self

Sat on the same shelf

And together began to entwine

Empathy, warmth and compassion

k@ri gave to others without ration

Her feelings she gave

And soon became slave

To feelings of being needed with passion

Relationships soon were addictions

Into her life this caused friction

Needing the needy

Giving the greedy

Her own emotions soon became fiction

Denial became king for a while

At times allowing a small smile

I’m normal you see

There are others like me

She would say to herself in her guile

One morning a dawning arose

Reality awake from its doze

Codependent am I

She thought with a sigh

Codependent right down to my toes

So Google became her new friend

This hiding her emotions must end

The long search began

To find the right plan

To bring happiness and help her to mend

The road will be long she well knows

Full of highs more full of lows

But find it she must

To learn how to trust

and defrost the feelings now froze