Addicted To Relationships--CoDependency
Hi, my name is k@ri and I am a co-dependent.
We all have our small addictions. It seems mine is relationships. I don’t really understand when or how it happened. Have I really been this way my whole life? Probably, most likely, yes. I realize now why I keep away from forming friendships. I also realize why my relationships have all ended so sadly. I strive to make others need me, and then I feel used when they don’t appreciate me.
This needing to be needed is why I end up in relationships with the wrong type of person. I encourage them. I love the users, the takers and the needy. When I find someone who loves me just for me, I run…run as far and as fast as possible. I know deep in my heart that they will find out how I am and leave me. They may see my fears, my doubts, my insecurities. They may find out I am not the strong and fearless individual I try to be. They may find out I fear abandonment. But that is not the only reason. I may have to face myself. I may have to admit the hurt that lives deeply hidden in me.
Sometimes I have to wonder…where did all this hurt come from? Then I tuck it back under its rug…lock it back into its closet, and continue my journey of denial. I come from a great family…loving, trusting, God fearing. I had an incredibly fantastic childhood. My parents are well adjusted individuals who love each other and their children. I am so blessed and so lucky in a world where there is so much hurt.
My hurt cannot be a real hurt. It must be some other stupid emotion, maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself. In a world with so much real hurt, I must be being indulgent. Not a pretty sight, not a noble past-time, and not the person I want to be. Herein lies my denial…I deny that I have the right to be hurt, I deny myself the right to feel sorrow. For some reason, I guess I do not deserve this God-given emotion.
Not deserving hurt, neither do I deserve unconditional love. There are always conditions. Stand tall, keep your chin up, be someone others can respect. Do your homework, clean your room, play nice. Be responsible, be someone others can trust, someone they can lean on. The strange thing is my siblings don’t feel this way. Why is it that I think so differently than others. I have always thought that I think too much…too deeply…too often. Why do I feel the weight of the world and others can shake it off like a dog come in from the rain?
I have known I am co-dependent for some time now, but I am only now learning how much it hurts me. After all, co-dependency does make me a very good nurse. And nursing feeds my co-dependency. I am not sure, but I may need to change careers to overcome this. My need to be needed may make my career very unhealthy for me.
As I get older, I find myself longing for a normal relationship. One where I can take, not just give. One where I can trust, not just be trustworthy. One where I can ask for and accept help, not just help. These things have been on my mind lately. I will continue to work on these issues. I know it will not be easy, but I want to overcome this with all my heart. Where there is a will, there is a way. I will do this!
Understanding the irrationality of my thoughts is the second step to overcoming this problem. The first step was admitting I have a problem. Hopefully, I will not get winded too easily climbing the many steps out of this hole. The light at the top looks so lovely, though, shining and clear. I will keep going, even if I need to rest occasionally.
I have made a promise to myself. I will tell others when they do things that make me angry or annoyed. I will accept compliments with grace. I will allow myself to love and be loved. It is a good day to start a new life.
A Co-Dependent Poem
There once was a young girl named k@ri
Who knew she must always be very
Loving and kind
Keep others in mind
And herself she must deeply bury
The first man she fell for was a wit
Who partied and drank quite a bit
The baby began
Did not fit in his plan
And so the two of them split
k@ri knew she must live for this girl
Her sweet little baby, her pearl
To put money in purse
Someone said be a nurse
And so k@ri gave it a whirl
Nursing fit k@ri just fine
Her boundaries began to decline
Others and self
Sat on the same shelf
And together began to entwine
Empathy, warmth and compassion
k@ri gave to others without ration
Her feelings she gave
And soon became slave
To feelings of being needed with passion
Relationships soon were addictions
Into her life this caused friction
Needing the needy
Giving the greedy
Her own emotions soon became fiction
Denial became king for a while
At times allowing a small smile
I’m normal you see
There are others like me
She would say to herself in her guile
One morning a dawning arose
Reality awake from its doze
Codependent am I
She thought with a sigh
Codependent right down to my toes
So Google became her new friend
This hiding her emotions must end
The long search began
To find the right plan
To bring happiness and help her to mend
The road will be long she well knows
Full of highs more full of lows
But find it she must
To learn how to trust
and defrost the feelings now froze