Alzheimers From the Victim's View
alzheimers from the view of the patient
I see the way you look at me. You cant understand what I say. You see my looks at you and think they mean one thing and all I want to say is I love you. You see me as a sick person. You think I don't know what is going on but I do. I can see your hurt. I am not dead. I knew you for so many years before I got this disease caused Alzheimer's. You didn't think I knew what I would become but I wish I could tell you as you see me now that you are doing a good job looking out for me. You fight for me like a tiger.
When I first got sick I wasn't sure what I could do and you let me be me till I couldn't drive anymore. You didn't get mad when I didn't take my meds the way I was supposed too. I saw you get frustrated but I couldn't understand why until I got sicker. You cooked for me and did my laundry and cleaned my house. You were my daughter, not my maid. I yelled at you for driving the car in the driveway wrong according to me. I didn't know how many people you had organized to look out for me so you could work. I got mad and told you meanly that you were abandoning me since your mom died. I didn't see the love in your eyes when I followed you to work and your boss invited me in. You were preparing yourself for my sickness to get so much worse.
I didn't understand why I fell all the time but you lovingly told me to use my cane. That cane made me old and I wasn't ready to admit that yet. You took on the Emergency Room doctors so many times I gave up counting. I knew you were looking out for you. Did I do anything to make your walk with this disease easy? No, I didn't. I fought you when it came to you going to the doctor with me. I was old enough to take care of myself or so I thought.
I do remember when I had my stroke and you were there. You and your friend looked out for me as much as you could. I made you promise me to never put me in a nursing home and then you were faced with the fact you couldn't take care of me at home anymore. I didn't make it easy for you because I would call and say I wanted to come home. You knew in your heart I couldn't and so did I but I made you feel guilty I am sure. I didn't bother to think about how my behavior would affect you. I was so unhappy. I wanted to be with my daughter and I was supposed to be happy with once a week visits. I didn't know anyone in this place I was. I felt all alone.
I was so upset and wanted to come home. You didn't seem to understand a word I said and I was so frustrated. I didn't think of your frustration. You tried so very hard to understand. We ate together sometimes and I was happy then. I wanted my jeans and western shirts but you said no the home had said I needed this new wardrobe which I hated. You tried so hard to make sure at least my shirts and sweats had something on that I liked. Did I ever once think how hard this was on you? Yes, but I couldn't explain I didn't mean to be so mean. I couldn't explain that I was me but not me. You just went on loving me anyway.
I never got to tell you that I was glad you found someone who loved you for you. I was glad that you and Nick made the decisions you did for me. I was bleeding internally and you were so upset and Nick got me admitted to the VA hospital. This is all the things your mother should have done for me but didn't. I so wished I could have told you that it wasn't up to you but you did it.
Then the end of my life approached. I saw the tears you cried when you came to see me. I know you hurt and you were scared I was in pain. You asked me every time you came. I wasn't hungry when I gave up eating. I just wanted nature to take its course. I knew you were okay and you had grown up so much over the last five years of my life. I wish I had said it when I could but I want you to know I love you and I wouldn't have had you do it any other way. You did the best for me I could have ever asked you too.
I still see you, baby girl. It has been a year since I went home. I am well now. I have seen my family who I haven't seen for so many years. I am glad you followed my last wishes to be buried with my family. I am sorry you had to go through explaining you were sorry that it took my passing to get the family back together. It wasn't your fault. Your mother made this time hard on you too. She should have done so many things for me before she passed. I am never far from you, baby girl. Nick is there for you now. I see the worry he has for you when you get sick.