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My newborn, my angel

Updated on September 4, 2016

To my daughter, my miracle baby

Dear daughter:

I remember the day I finally saw you. I know it was before the sunrise although I did not look outside. I just had to look at the clock on the wall in front of me. It was before five in the morning, remember? You were quiet. Only the machines buzzing around and my voice were filling the space...that cold room. You looked so peaceful, so beautiful and delicate. Nothing else mattered at that moment; I just wanted you, I wanted to see if you were real, I wanted to touch you.

I know that you coming to my life was not planned. Yes, it is true, I almost fainted when I knew. What was I supposed to do? I mean, I was not a young adult anymore, but that did not mean I was ready for you. During the first month of your apparent existence, doctors were not able to detect you. I was explained that maybe it was a false alarm. Well, I wanted that to be the truth because for months I was under very powerful antidepressants and other medications. Certainly, I did not want the medications to harm you in any way. I let it be a false alarm, as the doctors told me, but I still felt something. A month passed by and I decided to see another doctor. He performed a blood test, and there you were!!! Again? I was in shock. The doctor even questioned my knowledge about the "bees and the flowers," (that was funny). I made clear to him that the only time my baby was conceived was a month before and not after that time.

I remember when the doctor told me that in some way or another you held on to me and found a corner to hide, because he was not able to find any other explanation. Starting that day, I quit taking all the medications I was on. Two weeks later I had the opportunity to see you on an ultrasound. What an amazing view of you! I saw your heart beating and your body moving a little. My eyes filled with tears while I kept asking the doctor, "Is the baby ok?", and him assuring me that you were. It was too premature to see the sex of the baby, but I was scheduled to have a amniocentesis at the end of February. I drove home with clear vision of the shape of your body.

Getting off the medications (5 in total), was a very hard thing to do. I was suggested to go to detox, but I opted to do it myself with the help of my family. You see, my angel, I did not mind taking myself off the medications. I had this weird feeling of not wanting the medications anymore because you were alive inside of me. The medications withdrawal was intense; tremors, restlessness and so much fear of being alone in the house. I know you felt this too, but I guess you kept both of us strong. As I explained to you, at the time you came to my life I was suffering so much with depression in a very dangerous way; there was not much to care about (at least that was what I thought). You gave meaning to my kept me alive.

I am so sorry they disturbed you with the amniocentesis, but the doctor wanted to make sure you did not suffer from a genetic disease, cystic fibrosis, sickle cell disease, etc. We wanted to be prepared to receive you the best way we could. Few days later, I was told by the doctor that you were a GIRL! A girl? I was so happy to know you had a name. Also, all the results were clear. Good news, eh? That day I had the chance to see you again on an ultrasound and you looked fabulous.

The weeks passed by and with them, my fears of how would I be able to take care of you having such a demanding job. At the time I was pregnant, you and I were staying with your grandparents (my parents) due to my mental conditions. Remember when I used to talk to you at night and cry until falling asleep? Remember when we used to drive to my job for one hour and a half in the morning and I would sing to you and prayed? Unfortunately, things began changing. The environment surrounding your little body was having some complications. I bet you felt so scared, I know I was. We had days of bed-rest and hours of watching "Titanic" over and over again.

It was April 22 when I began feeling that strange pain and cramps. Something was so wrong. To make the situation worst, I was hours away from my doctor at a hotel coordinating a NASA conference. We went to the nearest hospital that Saturday and I stayed in bed until Monday. I was talking to you a lot more, telling you how important you were in my life. The contractions stopped on Monday morning and we were ready to go home next Tuesday. But, what happened? Contractions began again after midnight. You were moving and kicking hard. I felt you were in distress. My baby girl, I did not know how to ease your pain. Your mommy was unable to help you...unable to protect you.

You were not supposed to arrive was not your time. Twenty-four weeks is not enough time, your body was still to little, your lungs and internal organs were not strong enough. I know, the environment you were in was getting old and detaching from the only place our bodies had connection. I am sure this moment also surprised you. We were both confused of what was going on. During the last forty-five minutes, Your heart was beating irregularly, your movements were sudden. I was desperate while the medical staff was telling me not to push. The thing was that you were wanting to get out of there. You did your job by giving me company for all the months I had you inside of me. You saved me, my dear angel. You touched my heart. You need to fly away, and we needed to meet each other before you leave.

Remember what I said to you aloud? I said, "Gabriela, it's ok, go with God. Mommy will be fine. Go". You were born and I tried to reach you, but the nurse took you away and placed you on the small examination table. I was calling your name and crying so hard. I saw when you took your last breath, but the doctor told me that nothing could be done. I asked to see you closely. Your little body was complete. I touched your little fingers, your head, ears, and eyes. I felt your back, your face and your feet. Your beautiful lips. Oh my dear angel.

My beautiful girl, you were born on April 24, 2001 and you were free to fly the same day. This is the first and maybe the only letter I write to you because it hurts a little, but mommy is ok. I wanted so much to protect you and love you and see you grow. It was an honor to have you in my life. I am so proud of you.

With love, Your mommy.


A note:

My baby girl was and will always be an amazing miracle in my life. I will always wonder what kind of a lady she could have been, but her mission was to live for 24 weeks and make me understand how special I am as a woman and a mom, and how important is to cherish moments with love ones before is to late. If you are experiencing a lost like this one, be grateful for the time you had together; make your baby's life worthy and your life better.


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    • clairemy profile image

      Claire 5 years ago

      Its early morning here, and I sitting quietly alone reading your hub, with tears in my eyes.

      What an extraordinarily courageous thing to do, putting that out in public.

    • Fennelseed profile image

      Annie Fenn 5 years ago from Australia

      A very intimate letter that I feel extremely privledged to read. There is so much strength to be gained from your beautiful and couragous attitude.

      I dare anyone to say that things don't happen for a reason. I know it may not seem like it sometimes, and I have also known loss, a parents worst nightmare, but I have no doubt that what is meant to be will be. We can lay down and die in the face of grief or we can live in the light and legacy of our loved ones passed over. Your precious little girl was a gift given to you and you have opened up to accept that gift. It does not mean you don't live with sadness but I detect the sadness is balanced with joy and gratitude.

      Just incredibily beautiful and moving, I am sharing this, if thats okay as it contains so much dignity and courage. My votes and my respect to you Anna.

    • jacqui2011 profile image

      jacqui2011 5 years ago from Leicester, United Kingdom

      Such a heartfelt and beautifully written tribute to your daughter. I realize it must have been so emotional to write, but you have done it in such a dignified way. It really touched me and made me think about your outlook, to cherish moments with loved ones. You truly are an inspiration and I'm sure that your daughter knows how loved she is as she sleeps with the angels.

      My thoughts are with you.

    • hecate-horus profile image

      hecate-horus 5 years ago from Rowland Woods

      Touching and beautiful. I really can't find the words to express anymore...

    • AnnaCia profile image

      AnnaCia 5 years ago

      Clairemy, Fenneiseed, jacqui2011, hecate-horus: I appreciate so much you took time to read my hub. Yes, it was ver difficult to write. It took me a long time due to the fact that it is about my daughter. I felt the need to write it because I know there are many women who have had the same loss and cannot talk about it. Our message is for all the readers to enjoy the simple moments, to learn from situations that are there for a reason. I don't have my daughter with me, but her existence taught me to be stronger and to love myself. Look at the small details in life, they have a lot of answers.

      Thank you again for your beautiful comments.

    • sandrabusby profile image

      Sandra Busby 5 years ago from Tuscaloosa, Alabama, USA

      Oh, AnnaCia, What a beautiful account of Your Angel and your experience together. Angels sometimes come and touch us only briefly, but the effect is life changing. You will be able to heal much more rapidly now, I think. Much love, Sandra Busby

    • Jaggedfrost profile image

      Jaggedfrost 5 years ago

      this is a sweet and beautiful bit of writing. I really got into the head of the person speaking and that is a rare gift, thanks.

    • AnnaCia profile image

      AnnaCia 5 years ago

      sandra, I think you pointed out something so important; I will be able to heal in such a way I have never beeb able before. Thank you for your comment.

    • AnnaCia profile image

      AnnaCia 5 years ago

      Jaggedfrost. This is a part of my life that was and is difficult to comprehend and embrace. I understand the basics of this event, but still working on internalize it.

    • Lilleyth profile image

      Suzanne Sheffield 5 years ago from Mid-Atlantic

      Oh. God. That was such a touching story. I am so sorry for your loss.

    • AnnaCia profile image

      AnnaCia 5 years ago

      Thank you Lilleyth.

    • Deborah Brooks profile image

      Deborah Brooks Langford 5 years ago from Brownsville,TX

      Good morning sweet new friend.. I have written a similar hub about this very thing. I am crying now for you. I know your pain.

      this is beautiful

      voted up


    • Karanda profile image

      Karen Wilton 5 years ago from Australia

      AnnaCia, I too, know the absolute wonder and joy of nurturing a beautiful baby girl inside me only to have to let her go on her own journey in the universe. My life changed forever, the day my daughter was born and the day my daughter died. Life is never as we imagine and we can only take each new day for what it is.

      Your courage shines through in your words and I thank you for sharing the most intimate thoughts between you and your beautiful daughter.

    • AnnaCia profile image

      AnnaCia 5 years ago

      Deborah, it is such a joy to know you read my hub. I read yours and I felt connected in a special way. Thanks for the comment.

      Karanda. I am sorry you lost your baby. It is terrible in a way, but I try to look at the time I had with her and what she and I got from each other. Remember, there are so many mothers and daughters who have their all life together and the quality of their relationship do not say much. So, I guess you and I and many others can say that we had the best time with our children. I wish you the best in life.

    • poshcoffeeco profile image

      Steve Mitchell 5 years ago from Cambridgeshire

      AnnaCia, I have a similar hub to write but I have been putting it off as I never feel like I could do it the justice it deserves. I sit here writing this comment with tears in my eyes after reading your heart rendering story. You did Gabriella justice and I now know I will do the same when I write the hub I need to write. Thanks you so much for writing this and telling your story.

      Voted up / beautiful

    • AnnaCia profile image

      AnnaCia 5 years ago

      poshcoffeeco, I am so sorry you have had a similar experience. You know, It took me a long time to finish my story; every time I tried to write I ended up standing up and running away. There are two other writers who have shared their experiences and with that I felt a little more in ease to deal with my sadness. Ill be waiting for your story and others here would be too. I opened a page on facebook for all of us to discuss our stories. Thanks for stoping by. Hey, remember to write little by little about your story when you are ready.

    • SilentReed profile image

      SilentReed 5 years ago from Philippines

      One can only admire the courage it took to write about your experience and with such poignancy. Thank you for sharing your story and reminding us about the miracle of life. I hope you find closure and yes, I believe an angel touched and watches over you.

    • Rosemay50 profile image

      Rosemary Sadler 5 years ago from Hawkes Bay - NewZealand

      Thank you for sharing this most precious and tender letter with us. So sweet and beautiful, full of sadness and yet joy.

      I do believe she was an angel sent to help you learn to love yourself, much better than any medication.

      I lost my first daughter at 26 weeks, I was not allowed to see her because she had died several weeks before, I knew sometyhing was not right when she stopped moving but my GP said she was fine. It wasn't until I got so ill that I had to be hospitalised that they confirmed my fears. I am so pleased that you got to spend those precious last moments and was able to say goodbye to you little angel and that memory is imprinted on your heart.

      I hope you read my latest hub.

    • JamaGenee profile image

      Joanna McKenna 5 years ago from Central Oklahoma

      Yes, touching and beautiful (I write with tears in my eyes). What a tremendous amount of courage it took to share one of life's most private and heart-rending experiences here. That said, I'm thankful you understood and accepted with such grace the reason Gabriela was in your life for such a short time. She truly was (and still is) an angel who may not be with you now physically, but will always be with you in spirit, in your heart.

      Voted up, awesome and beautiful. ;D

    • robie2 profile image

      Roberta Kyle 5 years ago from Central New Jersey

      I am so moved by your letter to Gabriela that I don't know what to say except thank you for sharing it with us here on Hubpages. You too are a beautiful soul. No wonder Gabriela chose you as her mother.

    • AnnaCia profile image

      AnnaCia 5 years ago

      SilentReed, JamaGenee & roble2, I appreciate your words. Your comments are very valuable. With this hub I wish to point out the importance of embracing the time we spend with those who are part of our lives. Many thanks for stopping by.

    • AnnaCia profile image

      AnnaCia 5 years ago

      Rosemay, It must have been extremely difficult for you. My heart is with you. Feeling that there is something wrong with a pregnancy as well as losing a baby thinking that everything was good are situations we do not know how to handle because we do not have control of what is going on. We get so desperate. I read your hub and, such a soft poem.

    • sfosok profile image

      sfosok 5 years ago

      wow, me toco mucho todo, lamento mucho no haber estado contigo en ese momento, pude haber hecho mucho y no hice nada. The quiero mucho.

    • thougtforce profile image

      Christina Lornemark 5 years ago from Sweden

      This was so beautifully written and so sad. It is almost impossible to find any words except that I am so impressed by the way you wrote this. It touch the heart on everyone that reads it. It must have been difficult for you but you did it and you show us how to handle a situation like that. Thank you for sharing this!


    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Such a beautiful piece of work...a piece of your is so important to have this public for others to read and experience. I have no doubt you are helping others with this account.

    • Just Ask Susan profile image

      Susan Zutautas 5 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing this and I do hope that it will help others.

    • TIMETRAVELER2 profile image

      TIMETRAVELER2 5 years ago

      This was such a bittersweet article. So painful to read, yet so beautiful. God Bless You.

    • AnnaCia profile image

      AnnaCia 5 years ago

      Dear sfosok, thank you for stopping by. I appreciate your comment. Thanks.

      Thougtforce, billibuc, Susan, Timer Traveler: It means so much to me that you took your time to read my hub. I wish to be a voice for many others who are grieving. This never ends and there are times when my heart breaks because I do not have my daughter, but then I wash my tears and keep myself going. There will always be a time to cry, but this is good, part of everything.

    • dilipchandra12 profile image

      Dilip Chandra 5 years ago from India

      This is amazing, a very beautiful hub. Thanks for sharing :)

    • AnnaCia profile image

      AnnaCia 5 years ago

      fillip: Thanks for reading it.

    • GoodLady profile image

      Penelope Hart 5 years ago from Rome, Italy

      I am so sorry for your loss and so grateful to know from you about your angel, learn how you manage to live with such pain and grief. Bless.

    • AnnaCia profile image

      AnnaCia 5 years ago

      Thank you for stopping by Goodlady. I appreciate your comment.

    • rjsadowski profile image

      rjsadowski 5 years ago

      Perhaps your daughter was sent from heaven to deliver a message. When her mission was over, she simply went back home.

    • AnnaCia profile image

      AnnaCia 5 years ago

      rjsadowski. Thanks for your comment. I am sure she had a purpose in my life, and maybe I had one on hers. I like to think that she was in a mission. But, as a mom, I wanted to protect her, and I couldn't. Thanks again.

    • Mekenzie profile image

      Susan Ream 5 years ago from Michigan

      Your words were filled with so much meaning; they moved me deeply. Nothing is so precious as a child to her mommy.

      I see it as a real gift that you knew that her purpose was fulfilled and then you released her to God. What a beautiful picture!

      Her tiny little life inside you resulted in a journey for you .. one of learning to love your little girl's mommy. That is Powerful.

      Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of you.

      God Bless you and Hold you Close!


    • AnnaCia profile image

      AnnaCia 5 years ago

      Mekenzie, your words are so kind, thank you. There are so many women out there who have experienced events like my baby's and even more difficult. "Her tiny little life", I like that phrase. She was so tiny, Mekenzie. Thanks.

    • frogyfish profile image

      frogyfish 5 years ago from Central United States of America

      Intimately personal,heartfelt courage, unimaginable love, are all expressed in this time-photo of your story.

      Sadness and sorrow fade in the light of your love, Mommy.

    • AnnaCia profile image

      AnnaCia 5 years ago

      frogyfish, thanks for the message. You are so right, sadness and sorrow fade in the light of Love. When? I do not know, but I can say that there are moment in which the sunlight comes and brightens my heart when I think of my daughter.

    • supermom_in_ny profile image

      supermom_in_ny 5 years ago from NY

      Thank you for sharing this traumatic and sad loss. I'm sure it will helps someone going through a similar situation. Be blessed...

    • AnnaCia profile image

      AnnaCia 5 years ago

      supermom, thank you for stoping by. I appreciate your comment.

    • Minnetonka Twin profile image

      Linda Rogers 5 years ago from Minnesota

      Dear Anna-My heart is full of so many emotions right now. Thank you for having the courage to write a letter and tribute to your little angel, Gabriela. She knew you needed her and was sent to help. She finished her mission and is now waiting for you in heaven. She will always be a part of you and always be your baby girl. Blessings

    • thelyricwriter profile image

      Richard Ricky Hale 5 years ago from West Virginia

      AnnaCia, my dear, this is so heart-felt and close to my soul. I am sorry for your loss first off. I know this is hard for you, even now. My little boy was just shy of 24 months when he was born. He came out weighing 1 pound and his weight dropped down to 14 ounces. I had never been so scared in my life. I was blessed that we moved to Arizona and had him at one of the top hospitals for his condition. My dear Anna, I can't help but feel bad about this. I pray God watches over you and I know your daughter does from Heaven. In fact, I guarantee it. Your story hits home for me and I can only imagine if my boy didn't make it. To share your story takes courage Anna. This was very brave of you. Know when you feel that your daughter is there, in the sunlight or whatever, she is. Her soul will always be attached to you. She is always there:) God Bless.

    • AnnaCia profile image

      AnnaCia 5 years ago

      Minnetonka; your words are so comforting. Thanks for reading my story.

      Thelyricwriter: I appreciate your comment and very nice words. I am happy to know that your son was able to survive. Enjoy him every minute and love him. God bless you.

    • profile image 5 years ago

      God bless you for knowing the lesson your daughter gave - sharing a life, no matter how brief, with one you can love as deeply as only a mother can do - it is a gift.


    • AnnaCia profile image

      AnnaCia 4 years ago

      Hi quester; To tell you the truth, although I accept and understand the death of my child and brief time with me, it is enormously difficult not to miss the "what if". Thanks for visiting

    • Victoria Lynn profile image

      Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      Oh, my. A little angel that came to save you. She completed her mission. I have chills and they won't go away. You tell this beautifully. Bless you. Sharing this.

    • AnnaCia profile image

      AnnaCia 4 years ago

      Hi Victoria: Thanks for visiting. Yes, you just said it right… she saved me. She came to be with her mom for few months, but her legacy has being huge.

    • carter06 profile image

      Mary 4 years ago from Cronulla NSW

      So know I just loved it that to feel her little life within gave you life and brought healing to her mamma...your expression of your experience in words is outstanding and so very precious...God bless & may knowing Gabriela even for such a short time continue to give you strength... lots of votes & sharing...

    • AnnaCia profile image

      AnnaCia 4 years ago

      Cartero6: I appreciate your comment. Everytime I read the name of my daughter is a step forward (I guess). I wish… I just wish. Thank you so much. Your comment means a lot.

    • jennzie profile image

      jennzie 4 years ago from Lower Bucks County, PA

      This is such a beautiful and touching piece. I also believe that her purpose was to help you and that her mission had been completed. Thanks for sharing this.

    • AnnaCia profile image

      AnnaCia 4 years ago

      Thanks, jennzie. I wish I could have given her the life she deserved, but some things are not in our hands.

    • Thelma Alberts profile image

      Thelma Alberts 4 years ago from Germany

      Oh my! This is a very beautiful and touching piece that I have read today. I can´t help it, but tears came out of my eyes by reading your sad story about your Angel. You touched my heart. I´m sorry for your lose. Thanks for sharing this very intimate and emotional experience of losing your baby girl. Thumbs up and shared.

    • shampa sadhya profile image

      Shampa Sadhya 4 years ago from NEW DELHI, INDIA

      Voted up and beautiful!

      You made me cry. You have very courageously accepted the harsh truth of your life. I know my words cannot console you but I salute you for the strength you showed during such a great loss. May God give you more and more strength.

      Your words have depicted the complete picture so effectively that it touched my heart. Sharing it.

    • Peggy W profile image

      Peggy Woods 4 years ago from Houston, Texas

      Dear AnnaCia,

      Like others, I have tears in my eyes reading this very poignant story of your dear little Gabriela and how she impacted your life in her short stay of life inside of you before she was returned to heaven. She was an angel indeed and thanks for telling us this heartfelt story. I am sure it will help others who have similar paths to travel. What a homecoming the two of you will have someday!!! Voted beautiful and sharing.

    • NewHorizons profile image

      Joseph Attard 4 years ago from Gozo, Malta, EU.

      Dear AnnaCia, so sorry to hear about the loss of your dear little girl. Quite a touching peace you wrote. My condolences.

    • NewHorizons profile image

      Joseph Attard 4 years ago from Gozo, Malta, EU.

      Sorry, I meant piece :)

    • profile image

      IntegrityYes 4 years ago

      WHOA! I will pray for you daily. I miss your daughter too.

    • DeBorrah K. Ogans profile image

      DeBorrah K Ogans 4 years ago

      AnnaCia, BEAUTIFUL! How wonderful that the LORD allowed you to experience such love for your daughter to the point it motivated you to move forward beyond your depression...

      Just as your baby Gabriela touched your heart you will touch the hearts of many sharing this marvelous journey! Your angel from the womb brought you a life line and went right back to Heaven! Look at GOD! Thank you for sharing, Peace & Blessings! GOD BLESS YOU!

    • AnnaCia profile image

      AnnaCia 4 years ago

      Thelma, Shampa, Peggy, NewHorizons,Integrity and Deborrah. Thank you so much for taking time to read my article. Gabriela was with me for a short time, but I do think that she did her job. Thank you for the thoughts.

    • James A Watkins profile image

      James A Watkins 4 years ago from Chicago

      Your story is truly extraordinary and very moving. Thank you for sharing it with us. I will never forget it.

    • AnnaCia profile image

      AnnaCia 4 years ago

      Oh,Thank you very much! This is a very important writing being the first time I write to her. Thank you.

    • old albion profile image

      Graham Lee 4 years ago from Lancashire. England.

      Hello AnnaCia. A really beautiful hub. I like so many others have tear in my eye as I write. So heartfelt and moving.

      Voted up and all. Following.


    • AnnaCia profile image

      AnnaCia 4 years ago

      Hi Graham, and thank you so much for taking your time to read my hub. After I wrote it I just read it once because it still hard for me. But see? by writing about her, she got many readers to know her. Thanks again.

    • savingkathy profile image

      Kathy Sima 4 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      This is such a beautiful tribute to your daughter. It touched me deeply and brought me to tears. Thank you for sharing your story. I can only imagine how difficult this was to write.

    • AnnaCia profile image

      AnnaCia 4 years ago

      savingkathy, thank you for your visit to my hub. Every time I read the comments I get a bitter-sweet emotion. I appreciate them, because I grow more and more.

    • Starseeker46 profile image

      Star Seeker 4 years ago from A Kaleidoscopic Mind

      How very moving. Having lost my little baby after less than a day I totally understand when you say that all time spent with loved ones is precious. Thank you for sharing your experience with us.

    • AnnaCia profile image

      AnnaCia 4 years ago

      Hi Starseeker. I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for visiting my hub. I will be around yours.

    • Rolly A Chabot profile image

      Rolly A Chabot 2 years ago from Alberta Canada

      Hi Anna... You have touched me with your words and the love you have shown... Your words come from a humble heart and one filled with such love.... Thank you for sharing my friend...

      Hugs from Canada

    • old albion profile image

      Graham Lee 2 years ago from Lancashire. England.

      Hi Anna. Your heartfelt hub brings a tear to my eye. I can only imagine the agony that you endured along with your heartbroken parents. You will never forget but they say it gets easier as time passes. I don't really know that myself. I do so wish you well for the future.


    • AnnaCia profile image

      AnnaCia 2 years ago

      Old albion, thank you very much for your words. I look at the death of my daughter as avery tiny one that lasted for just a little while. She is in heaven. Better in a place where she can fly and play.

    • Bren Hall profile image

      Bren Hall 2 years ago from England

      I had a stillbirth but have never written about it so I admire you and have upvoted you. Please have a look at some of my family orientated hubs.

    • AnnaCia profile image

      AnnaCia 24 months ago

      hi Bren. I am sorry you lost a baby too. You know, it was very important for me and my should to write a letter to her. I needed to take that step. Ill visit your page.

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