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And then... Reality

Updated on July 24, 2015

dreaming while awake

When I was 13 years old, My heart was broken, and also, my mind. I began believing people were watching me with video camera's and listening to me with audio bugs. I began to believe I was a clone or a robot. I didn't know exactly what was going on, I just knew I was special, and they were watching me. These beliefs and others like them went on for 12 years, always that I was special and I was important. When I was 24 years old, suddenly everything went dark. I was no longer a good kind of special. I believed people were following me, that people wanted to kill me, that everyone was plotting against me. I began hearing voices and talking to myself out loud. I was then diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder. They started me on medication, which didn't seem to help a lot. I went through many different medications before my life became manageable again, not necessarily functioning well, but functioning none the less. I spent four days in a psychiatric hospital. I spent time in a crisis stabilization unit and a safe house as well. I went to the partial hospital program and spent a lot of time in therapy. I became more and more functional, but still was plagued by the delusions of being special, although they were no longer scary after several years. The "constant delusions" as I call them never would leave. The voices were rarely quiet. Sometimes they were louder than others, sometimes they were more frequent than others, but always, there were voices. I served God the best I could, I cried at the altar every Sunday, I would get better, but it always seemed to come back. I served the Lord to the best of my ability, Gave as much as I could, but I could never stay well for long. And even in the midst of serving God and my church, the delusions persisted, and in some ways became worse. I thought I would never get better.... But God....

I began talking to a wonderful woman of God at church, who also happens to be a Therapist. She suggested I go to her office and see a doctor there. I prayed passionately that the Lord would let help come, because I had reached my breaking point. They prescribed me a new medicine, and I prayed the Lord would let it work.

3 weeks later, after 22 years of the "constant delusions", my mind is clear, my thoughts are clear, my delusions are almost completely gone. My depression is no where in sight. I no longer ball my eyes out every morning on the couch, I no longer lay in bed in fear at every sound. I don't wake up screaming in the middle of the night. I find myself listening to music and bobbing my head and tapping to the beat. I laugh more freely and when I smile, it's not fake. I have found the strength to serve God like I want to. More intensely. With more passion. I am able to concentrate while reading the bible, I have the clarity of thought to pray more often. I have faith that has been renewed in an overwhelming way. I am so thankful. I am no longer in constant emotional pain. I am happy, and I am hopeful. He was there in my darkest hours, and he seems closer than ever, even now, in my new found freedom. God is so good, and His mercy so vast. Some people would say, because I am taking medicine, that it's not a miracle, but after being bound for over 20 years, I most certainly know that it's God that has cleared my mind, even if He did use medicine to do it. I am a miracle, so many times, in so many ways. He's done so much for me, I cannot tell it all.

I am so thankful.


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