Caring for my parents was not a duty : Part 1 - Care of my elderly Father / Dad
Caring for my parents
..Before we started caring for my parents,my Mother and father were already telling everyone that they knew ( unbeknown to me, but I found that out later ) they were coming to live with us and that I was to look after them, that was not a problem when the time came, but I believed that the time had arrived too soon.
At that particular time our home only had 2 bedrooms, which was barely big enough for our family of 4.
Panic! "My goodness what are we going to do" ?? They had already put their home on the market, and it sold within 3 days.
More panic! "Well it's happened get over it !" I said to myself, easier said than done.
We had a building out in the back garden, we made that comfortable for our two teenaged (at the time ) boys, and my parents moved in and used their bedroom in the main house.
So far so good: My parents were still fairly fit and healthy at this stage.
OK for a while
Even though my husband and I were both working, and because my mother disliked cooking with a passion I did all of the meals for the whole family, fortunately my dad was very easy to please food wise and he loved my cooking, mum was very hard to please, but we muddled along for about 12 months in this way.
Things started to get a little off centre, so we took a big step and decided to extend our home by about 8 squares, which meant that my parents would have their own private quarters.
It was beautiful! One very large bedroom, plus a large bathroom with laundry and a huge lounge/dining/kitchen, with bay windows all around and a private entrance. They could also come along a passage through a door into our part of the house. We also designed a lovely garden which they could sit in, entertain, do what ever they wanted to. It really was lovely!
Give me a break!
They would go away once a year to visit dads sister, other than that they didn't go anywhere or do much else.
A couple of more years went by and dad got sick, with heart and lung problems, which was hard for everybody, but most of all him, he got extremely frustrated and mad, because he could no longer do the things he once could handle with ease and also things he wanted to!
So he started complaining about anything and everything, like the food wasn't right, I wasn't mowing the lawn often enough, my children, husband. (actually my husband built 90% of the extension), and sadly without any appreciation from my parents.
I could handle his complaints but nobody, I mean nobody, picks on my children or husband. Yes I admit to being a tad touchy as far as they are concerned and nothing has changed to this day!
His health got worse
As my father's health got progressivly worse (we had our own business at the time), my husband without hesitation, took him to all his medical appointments, usually twice a week sometimes more, our business suffered a lot, but he was my father and we loved him.
I had a sister and brother then, but they did not want to be involved in any of it, Not helping with the new building or the care of my parents, "that was my duty" so they told me.
Oh well you win some and you lose some.
They may have come to visit them every 6 or 8 weeks, stay 1 hour, see you next time, never once did they ask if they could help with anything.
I was the middle child ! I have heard a lot of different stories about the middle child syndrome, maybe its right, maybe it isn't, who knows?
Nursing Home , Oh No no no !
As time moved along a couple of more years, my fathers health got worse, in and out of hospital, now on oxygen, getting more upset and I guess a little frightened!
His condition very quickly deteriorated and it became apparent that I was not qualified enough to take care of him any longer at home. I really wanted to do this, but had to accept that I couldn't, the doctors at the hospital told me he could no longer stay at home and that he would have to go into a Nursing Home, something that I had always been dead against, but I was out ranked and the decision was out of my hands. This is something that I still have not come to terms with, the most hurtful thing my father had ever said to me was "I hate you for tossing me into a place like this" Writing it down now brings it all back!
While he was in this home, everyday I would cook his favourite foods and we would take it to him and feed him, he couldn't feed himself at this stage. My mother hated to go and visit him, unfortunately we had to encourage her to go with us, which sometimes was not at all easy.
Our last meal together
One fateful Saturday night we had an inkling that something was happening when he requested his favorite meal of "fish and chips". When he was well he would have them every Saturday night for 'tea' as he called it.
We stood around the bed and ate them and had a great last meal together.
The Home rang us during the night and informed us that he had passed away peacefully in his sleep.
I did love him dearly, and without hesitation,would do it all again, It was not a duty to me, it was unconditional love!
We did not realise it at the time but the journey was far from over!
:) :) :) (hugs) to all those folks looking after their parents.
Comments
How, we, as children, forget the sacrifices that our parents gave up for us. How little we value all that they have done for us.
You and your husband, not only loved your father unconditionally, you taught your boys how important family is. There is no lesson more valuable than this. I hope that I can teach this to my children.
You are an exemplary person -- passionate, compassionate, sensitive and loving. The world has plenty of room for people like you. :)
{{Hugs}}
My heart goes out to you, and what a wonderful thing that you did in the taking care of your parents. I come from a long line of people who believe that you don't just drop your elderly family members off at a nursing home and forget them, my mother cared for my grandparents, until she died, and I took over their care, nursing my grandmother at home until her death some 20 years later. I am currently the primary caregiver for my father, who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's related dementia in 2007, it isn't easy, I also have 2 teenagers, a 3 year old, and a husband, (who to his own credit, has sacrificed a lot to allow me to do what I am doing, including giving up our retirement plans, and our home, and moving our family clear across the country back to our hometown to live in the house I grew up in, which is very crowded!) balancing my dad's care along with maintaining my family life is a continual struggle, but even with all of it's difficulties, I wouldn't have it any other way, no one is going to take care of my dad the way that I will. I know that what I am doing is the right thing, and your devotion to your parents was the right thing as well.
Very touching hub. Voted up and beautiful!
Our parents brought us into this world with love and sacrifices. Despite their shortcomings which are hard to deal with sometimes, the only thing that we could give them back as being grateful to them is our unconditional love... And you did the right thing to your parents, oliversmum. You have a golden heart indeed! Somehow, sometime you will be rewarded in what you did to your parents. Your children will take care of you too especially when they have observed how you lovingly cared your parents.
Thanks for sharing this touching hub. This made me reflect on what best to do for the few remaining years of the life of my mother.
Voted up!
Looking after parents is not a duty as you say. It is something we do because there is no alternative. I stayed at home with my father till he died at 65. Then I moved to Germany to live with American friends that I had.
Someone once asked me why my life was sacrificed because I hadn't been to university. The thing is that I did not consider it a sacrifice, I couldn't have walked away.
I am sure you felt exactly the same.
A good hub with feeling.
What a wonderful hub and sad at the same time oliversmum. I can't wait to go over and read about your mother.
Oliversmum I'm sure it must have been very hard for you to go over these tough years again in your mind, and I sense that it bought back some not so nice memories!
However my feelings are that we should not dwell in the past! I am sure that with the love of your husband, children and grandchildren, your life from now on should be a joy :-)
Don't be so hard on yourself, you are a loving and caring daughter and you did the best with what you had. Unconditional love is the only love one should give, otherwise it is futile. I respect you and your husband for the kindness you showed for your ailing parents. Old age and illness goes hand in hand eventually and it's so sad to see how one deteriorates to the level of having to be taken care of. You did a marvelous job, and I commend you oliversmum. Respect, love and peace.
going to read part 2 now, before i add anything else! sweet sweet you :)
Wow, what a touching hub, I have tears in my eyes right now. I am sure that decision must have been hard, but we can only do so much, and you did so much more than many sons and daughters would have done. God bless you.
I also cared for both of my parents; they were good parents and good people, but caring for the elderly has its challenges. Excellent hub. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for telling us about caring for your parents.
Tricia has now lost both parents and Pat has her elderly father living in another country. It is very hard to do anything practical from a distance, but I try to phone often.
You were very selfless, taking your parents into your house.
It seems we are almost encouraged to push them away these days.
After reading about your mother, I had to come to this hub about your father. It would seem that you did all you could and to the best of your ability and of that you can always be happy. Taking your home cooked foods to the nursing home and visiting him there each day is more than most people could or would have done.
Sometimes circumstances beyond our control affect what has to be done. You kept your Dad home as long as you could and did everything you could after he was in the nursing home to make his stay there as comfortable as possible.
You are a shining example of what a good person does when caring for their parents or other loved ones. It is my great pleasure to have met you here via hubpages.
My eyes got wet when I read this hub and several of the comments. Sniff! Mom had Alzheimer's and had to go to a Nursing Home as we couldn't care for her; that to me was more heartbreaking than her passing, but I have sweet memories of Mom when she would stay in my apt and we would chat like best friends, eat and have a good time together. You have a heart of gold and its endearing to see that this world is not in such a bad place as we like to thik, there are many beautiful human beings all over planet earth.
BTW, G-Ma is a hubber who is caring for her mother who has alzheimer's and writes about her experiences. She is great!
This is a most moving hub, what ever we do in life there will always be people that will criticise our actions, misjudge our motives, say hurtful and negative things about us, that’s just how life is sadly and the world is full of selfish people.
Reading your hub though shows once again there are some people out there who are loving, kind and caring and who put the needs of others before their own. There are many like you out there and I am sure should they be fortunate enough to read this hub they would be encouraged to know that they are not alone and get great deal of comfort from reading this hub.
It seems to me that your good heart led you down the right path, and as a daughter you went above and beyond what could reasonably be expected of you. Please don’t let the words spoken by your father when he was so upset frightened and hurting nest in your heart, your love for him gave you no other choice, you did what was best for him, even if he couldn’t see that. It was not a choice that you wanted to make, but you loved him enough to make it anyhow.
I can identify with a lot of what you have written, and like you I had to make some choices that were not liked by my mum but I know in my heart that I did what I did out of love not selfishness. If I had it to do again I would not do anything different, except that I would not put myself through the senseless and needless torture of other peoples opinions and the resulting guilt.
I think that you can take the peace and comfort that comes from doing the right thing in the right way from the right motives.
I love the way you write and I love the character and integrity that you possess which produces writing like this. You have won yourself a new fan, whoops I mean follower.
oliversmum, I cried when I read your hub. I took care of my mother for 5 yrs. My older brother and sister, did nothing, and acted like they didn't even care. There were no calls at Christmas or anything, and my brother even stole her social security money for awhile...My mother had alzheimer's, and when it came to the point I could no longer care for her, and had to put her in a nursing home, my heart broke....so I understand your anguish. I still visit her weekly, but some days she doesn't know me....Bless you for having such a sweet and caring spirit...I loved your hub, it brought back some bittersweet memories....I will be back to read more, of your wonderful hubs, and thank you for your kind regards on my hubs...
Art 4 Life
oliversmum, it often falls on one child to look after the parents, for whatever reason. My sister lives across the country and though she visits often, she can't be there for my mother's day to day needs - so it falls on me. I don't resent it - in fact I'm glad my mother is so close by - but sometimes it gets difficult. You did a great job with your parents - never doubt that. :)
What a good hub. You explained the difficulties well and the joy of knowing you did the right thing. We care for my 86 year old mother and my brother and sister do nothing. That's just the way it is but I feel like I'm doing the right thing and I adore my mom. She has many health problems but as a retired nurse I can deal with that also. I'm glad you wrote to just let people know they are not alone in their trials. Thanks.
A very beautiful hub! You were just wonderful with your folks, despite their shortcomings, and this is really one to remember!
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