Dealing with Manipulation

We have all found ourselves doing something that we really did not want to do, but we did it anyway, as we were manipulated, or guilt tripped into doing it.

Understanding how manipulation works gives the potential target an intuitive grasp of the type of encounters and sensitivity to the many tactics a manipulator may use.

Many people lack insight into their behaviour, and react on instinct and may have begun manipulating at a young age to avoid consequences.

The behavior may have been learnt from an older sibling or parent, the message being: “Do whatever you need to do to get what you want.” Therefore, manipulation, pathological lying and conning others becomes a tool.

Some people are consistent and will manipulate in one situation and not in another. For others, it is a character trait. If it is obvious it may not be harmful in a relationship if both people are aware of it. When it is covert and is used against someone is when it becomes a problem.

As we said, conscious manipulation such as friends wheedling things out of each other, both parties being aware of what’s happening and lovingly accepting that in each other. Other times the charming manipulator becomes your friend and then always makes you feel as though you owe them something and through this, get you to do whatever they want such as taking over their responsibilities, to siding with them against someone they don’t like.

It is commonplace behaviour for these people who always tell you how much they do for you or that they only have your interests at heart, the reality being that they are only interested in their own agenda and using you to get there.

The target is usually a consistent, honest, responsible person who has integrity. These positive personality aspects are precisely what a manipulator uses against their victims. Also, it is done so easily as the target is so fundamentally different that it doesn’t occur to them that the manipulator would think like that.

The Emotional manipulator is a highly toxic individual who has no sense of accountability and plays the victim role to perfection. They seldom express their needs or desires openly they make us feel guilty for not complying and invoke our sympathy while their victim act inspires our sense of nurture.

When justifying their behavior, they know what they’re doing and have a purpose in mind. They will use this tactic when know they’ve either done something or will do something most people would regard as wrong. They will maintain a favourable social image if they can get someone else to see things their way or agree with the reasonableness of their actions. Once this is achieved, they are on the way to winning interpersonal control. Think about how many times you have relented after accepting an excuse only to find that you are dealing with the same behavior repeatedly.

One of the most common methods is talking behind someone's back and then going to the person about whom they were talking and repeating what you said in the conversation. Thus creating distrust amongst those two people.

People with this personality disorder almost never take responsibility for their actions. They will not apologise but rather blame others, use excuses; claim misunderstandings and depict themselves as a victim.

They may also use active techniques such as anger, lying, bullying, and shouting. Or use methods such as sulking, ignoring you, or giving you the silent treatment.

Manipulators will often use denial and/or feigning innocence with such intensity and conviction that you question your own perception.

When they say one thing and later assure you they said nothing of the kind, will make you doubt your own sanity. You cannot be honest with them as they will turn what you said around and use it against you.

Whatever else you may want to talk about, they have a way of de-railing the conversation and turning it around to themselves.

“The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie,
 comes to such a pass that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others.


And having no respect he ceases to love,
 and in order to occupy and distract himself without love he gives way to passions and coarse pleasures, and sinks to bestiality in his vices,
 all from continual lying to other men and to himself.”



Fyodor Dostoevsky

Firstly, be aware you are being manipulated, and ask yourself:

· Is someone constantly pushing their agenda and try to make you side with them?

· Is there someone who always says how much they have done for you?

· Is there someone who gossips about others but swears they only trust you?

· Are you doing something for another, which makes you uncomfortable?

· Are you reluctant to sever a relationship as they may hurt you in some way?

· Do you feel that your partner frequently takes advantage of your giving nature?

· Do your feel that when you do something that pleases another or your partner that the positive feelings do not last?

Although they are difficult to deal with, rule number one is to trust yourself, your senses, your gut feel and assertively set limits, commit to not straying from them and move out of the manipulator’s vicinity.

You can define your boundaries by looking them straight in the eyes and saying, “ We both know that you have a pattern of playing on my fears to get what you want, but I am no longer going to accept your threats.”

Explore your own feelings and why you react as you do, and the practice alternate responses, which although difficult will have far-reaching benefits.

If you see someone being manipulated, say, “I am not sure what’s happening here, but tell me what it is you want or state it clearly." If it is a child, you then show them a behavior that is more appropriate.

Another approach is to reflect on what is going on as manipulators gain the upper hand by forcing someone into a quick decision.

Focus on changing yourself, as you cannot change a manipulative person’s behavior, only he or she can do that.

Please remember that someone who has been in an emotionally manipulative relationship takes more time to recover than someone who leaves a physically abusive one.

A punch is something you see coming, and emotional manipulations are insidious, subtle and very toxic – walk away.