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Diary Of An Oxymoron : How I Became a Sober Alcoholic

Updated on June 4, 2013

Introduction

My name is Lisa and I AM AN ALCOHOLIC. As of today, I've been sober for one full year. Sober-Alcoholic, it sounds like an oxymoron but it is an accurate title. Accurate because I know that being sober for one day or even one year doesn't change the fact that I am still an alcoholic. It is a milestone for me, one year, but this is still just one more day of the journey where my goal is to be sober " one day at the time".


Journal Writing

Source

What I Did

I must admit that there are days that I doubt my ability to move forward. I get frustrated, stressed and just want to escape. The only difference now is that instead of drowning the feelngs in drink. I purge. I know, sounds disgusting but it has worked for me so far. See, I realize that all my problems and worries waited for me to sober up. They are surprisingly patient and wouldn't go away until I dealt with them (How Rude!). So I write. I have faithfully written in my journal for the last year and in it I completely purge everything I think and feel. Writing has given me the missing element I think I needed. I've tried quitting in the past but could never last more than a month. I believe it's because there was no outlet for me. Well, except alcohol of course. By writing, I found my means for expressing all the things that have always burdened me. It is my therapy. Putting my soul in a journal gives me perspective that I once lacked.Now I am in no way implying that my method will work for anybody else. Everyone must do what works for them. With that said, I think I will explain why I believe this has worked for me so far.


Why I Did It

As a child I always loved to write. You see, I've always been painfully shy. So shy in fact, I was and still am quiet, awkward, and uncomfortable with most people. The only way I was ever able to clearly and fully express myself was through writing. On paper, I was intelligent and well versed. In person, I seemed to be the complete opposite. Let's just say, I was never part of any crowd- let alone the "In Crowd". Writing was my source of self esteem. As I got older, I pretty much gave up writing because I felt it was a waste of time that offered no value to anyone else. That absence of a part of me, I think, broke me in a way. I felt so alone and invisible. I married young and had my two oldest kids by the age of twenty. So I wasn't alone but I felt isolated and inadequate. I just couldn't express myself to anyone. I lived that way for a very long time.


My First Drink

The years passed and my kids got older. Yet I still couldn't find a way to feel valuable or worthy. I began to drink a beer or two on occasion with my husband as a way to feel close and connected. Then the problem began soon after when a couple of beers now and then became too many and too often. On and on it went, anytime I wanted to feel "sociable" I automatically began drinking. I really, really hated that person but nfortnately I hated her sober too. I have tried to quit many times in the past but after a few days, weeks, or a month at most; I'd feel a need to escape and the drink was where I ran.


My Last Drink

On January 15, 2012, I got drunk for the last time. I woke up the next morning feeling aweful like I'd done so many times before. But this time I looked in the mirror and I cried. I just couldn't do it anymore. I went to my room and began writing. I poured out my heart onto those pages. I wrote and wrote until I got it all out. At that moment I felt a kind of healing that I hadn't felt in a long time. Since then I write everyday. It may be one sentence or several pages but I do it. It has made all the difference.


Today

I'll admit some days are harder than others but not as unbearable as before. I have learned to face my problems clear minded, lessen my worries through writing, and fully appreciate the love and beauty around me. And I can only do it SOBER.


Lisa (slackermom) Palmer

Jan. 16, 2013

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    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Lisa...You would never get me to argue this point. It is absolutely true. "Writing" is healing in many ways. The purging is real and powerful.

      To write from our heart, is as helpful, if not better, than speaking to an expert therapist. I believe too, that reading our journals in retrospect is so vital, in being able to see for ourselves how our thoughts and attitudes go through changes, grow and keep us going..

      Excellent hub, Lisa....UP+++

    • slackermom profile image
      Author

      Lisa Palmer 4 years ago from Attapulgus GA

      Thanks so much Paula. I really appreciate your input.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 3 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Bravo, Lisa! I just celebrated my seventh AA birthday. I almost died in 2006...today life is beautiful. Hubs like this one are so important....we must reach out to others and save lives through our words. So well done, congratulations, and may you have many more AA birthdays.

    • slackermom profile image
      Author

      Lisa Palmer 3 years ago from Attapulgus GA

      @Bill...Thank you and congrats to you for seven years. I know it's been quite a journey but I have to say that for me the journey has made me realize just how strong I am and that life is even more beautiful without the "beer goggles".

    • sparkleyfinger profile image

      Lynsey Harte 3 years ago from Glasgow

      Great hub. Congratulations on your 1 year. I love how you have been so honest to a bunch of strangers, and I hope that others can learn from this. Have you ever tried to do a blog? I would expect it to have quite a following! X

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