Discovered My True Self

I’ve been looking into my soul and trying to figure out who and what it is that I am. Am I just a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, or am I a woman, a person, a lover, a giver, a creator, a caretaker, a warm heart and soul thrown into a world of cold and confusion?

Many in my life have helped me find each path of existence and for all of them I am eternally grateful because I think it is important for one being to know each aspect of life no matter the outcome you find in it. I have seen the cold, felt the confusion, the anger, the hatred and disgust of the souls who are more lost than I, but I have also felt the warmth, the love, the care, understanding, forgiveness and appreciation from others who are comfortable in their own skin and enjoy sharing that with others.

I use to feel like I didn’t fit in anywhere, not even in my own family. I felt like I was an outsider just invited to the events they shared and that was it, but I’ve begun to realize that I play a big role in my family and without me there could be more confusion and possibly even more coldness among the members. You see when people need things I am one more person to which they can call on for help, when they don’t understand something I am one more brain they can pick to help them understand, when they are stuck I am one more creative mind they can use to find a solution. I am the one child of four to which has a “real” relationship with my mother, the others, well my sister and mother don’t really communicate because my sister in my opinion likes to forget her roots and the life she grew up in and wants more and maybe feels she can’t have more if she hangs onto us. My older brother, though he does talk with my mother and helps her out now and again, he does it with motive and only at convenience; and then there is the baby of us all, he comes around when he wants something. My sister sometimes seems to have a streak of jealousy about my relationship with my mother but you know years ago she chose another woman to act as her mom.

The relationship I have with my siblings isn’t the ideal one in my book but you know what I’ve learned to adapt. I only hear from my brothers when they want something or need something, and well my sister and I are a roller coaster, always have been. Sometimes I wish we were close and could do things together like other siblings but at the same time when we do do things I am usually glad the relations are as they are with me and them.

My father well I don’t know what to think or say about him. We have been up and down on our relationship for a long time, I think it’s a lot to do with the fact that we have many similarities and it’s hard for him to relate to someone who is like him. I also think he believes he is making me a stronger person by making me rely on me and not on him, which in many ways is true but at the same time there is such a gap that I don’t really know who my father is. There is history he holds that I will never know, there are stories and memories he could share I will never hear, there are things a father is suppose to say to his daughter that I will never hear. For years I tried and tried to change that, tried to gain his acceptance and appreciation or recognition for who I am as an individual but nothing ever seemed good enough for him in my opinion so I have stopped trying. I am me and he can either acknowledge me as his daughter or act as though he don’t know me when others are around and to me that’s fine.

I use to seek what I didn’t have at home, in others be it family, friends, teachers and sometimes complete strangers. I always opened myself up for hurt because no one sticks around. I have had many dysfunctional relationships in different manners because I was trying to find what I believed I should’ve had at home, mainly love, acknowledgement, appreciation, and acceptance. I have finally come to a point in life where I realize it’s not about finding it from others no matter they are, it’s a matter of finding it internally. I have accepted the fact that I deserve more than the dysfunction I have had for so many years. I know now that I am capable of a love to which I was never taught but learned while starving for it all along. I believe I am capable of many things that can bring joy to others as well as myself. I believe I was put here and crossed into the lives of those I have in order to learn how to be a friend, how to love, appreciate every little thing an individual can offer to others and to bring wisdom, strength, love, and nurturing to those who have never really felt it before they encountered me. I truly do think I was put here for others benefit not my own, my satisfaction comes from others happiness.

I have been made to feel like I was worthless, like nothing I ever did or would do would be good enough for this life I live through, I have been told I was some mean words, I have been treated like a low form of life from those low themselves and I have been hated by those who don’t even know me because they get envious of my connection with others, without even knowing what the connection really is. For all those who did me wrong, thank you for making me understanding, making me stronger, making me more aware of the types of people in this world but most of all for helping me to take the time to assess myself and realize who I am inside my own heart. For those who have treated me with kindness, love, respect, and honesty; I apologize for being vacant at times from the warmth you were sunning me in but I was unsure I was worthy of what you were offering to me. I thank you for being who you all were and are, I thank you for giving me memories I will hold forever that make me smile now that I can feel the warmth, even though sometimes it brings tears because I regret not feeling it while it was shining.

I have had some wonderful people cross through my path of life and some of them have continued walking the path with me and I am forever grateful to them. The impressions they have left in my heart are strong and comforting and reminds me often how good a person I am and how much love I have shared with others over the years.

I have always been an “artist” at heart and know that more and more as I listen to music and pay attention to the lyrics like I do each song is written from hearts like mine who have encountered similar things as me or those I care for. Every song makes me think of someone or something that has been in my life. Every genre of music is like the personality of the people I have known and each song tells of a moment we have shared, so there is no chance I could ever forget any of the ones I have known.

I am a free spirit, one looking out for others, floating around through life waiting for the next person to need my advice, opinion, talent or just helping hand. I am here to help everyone feel cared for and about, to make others feel like they are not alone no matter what life throws at them. I don’t need much in life and therefore don’t ask for much, don’t reach for much, and maybe in a way am scared to get to much. All I ask for and desire in this life is the love and respect from my children and to someday find a soul as warm as mine who can tolerate my ups and downs and understand my purpose as I see it and not try to push me to be who I am not. I just want to be me, I want to experience different things, love different people, share smiles with others even if I don’t know them or they don’t remember my name once I’m out of sight. I want to bring laughter to others, warm hugs, a sense of acceptance and acknowledgement for who they are and what they are about in life. I just want simple things, with a simple life even if the relationship can be complicated because well to much simplicity can lead to boredom.

I like to sing, dance, go for long walks, spend time with my kids even if it’s just watching a movie in silence as long as we are all in the same room I’m happy, I like to watch the sun set/rise, I enjoy feeling rain falling on me sometimes, I love hearing the water move, the birds sing, the wind blow. I love to write, to dream, to draw, to create, to amaze. I enjoy learning different things, in all aspects about different things in life and people. I love meeting people, I love listening to the stories others have to share. I am wild about motorcycle rides feeling the wind in my hair holding someone I trust and having them hold my leg or my hand letting me know they care enough I am there with them. I love to be close, to snuggle, to talk, communicate not speak to myself or the walls, I love to do little things to let others know I think of them care for them and appreciate them. I love having little things done for me sometimes to remind me I’m not the only one to appreciate the little things in life. I don’t mind watching a good movie and occasionally would enjoy a book if I found one of life that peaked my interest.

I’m one of those who likes to let the one I’m with know I love them many times a day, and hopefully I’m lucky enough they love me enough to enjoy telling me many times a day. I believe that we never know our moment when life will cease to be what it is and that you should hug and kiss each time you go somewhere, or when you get home come up behind me while I’m making supper and wrap your arms around me and kiss me to let me know you are happy to be back beside me despite the day you may have had and I guess theoretically saying I’m back I have another moment with you and I’m grateful I do. I’m not one big on flowers unless they are in a pot and you have a green thumb to help keep them alive because me and flowering plants can’t seem to get it right, so don’t waste money on that but once and a great while maybe, instead surprise me with a letter, a poem, a little note that says I love you, an unexpected early day from work something free is good enough for me. If I do my hair let me know your HONEST opinion, if I wear something out of character don’t be afraid to tell me if it looks funny, if I cook something and you can’t quite grasp it let me know I’ll change it up. I want honesty, openness, loyalty, trust, devotion, appreciation, acknowledgement, acceptance and approval, I want to be me and you be you and together we are one.

I am whole as I am, and like who I am, accept who I am, and appreciate what I am so I am not in NEED of someone to complete me I just have a desire for someone to share with, and create solitude with. I have found me and I’m going no where.