Do You Let Numbers And Sizes Define Your Happiness?
Do you define your health and the way you look with a specific size or number?
In my 29 years of life I have always defined my self-image and the way I feel about myself through a number or a size. I have always thought:
'If only I were a size ___ I would be beautiful.'
'If only I weighed ____ I would be skinny.'
'If only I could fit into these size jeans from this store, then I would be happy.'
We seem to always be chasing a number on the scale or a size on our clothes and when we aren't there we aren't happy. We keep telling ourselves that we aren't this, or that, because we aren't there yet. We obsess over it so much so that it rules our thoughts.
When I was younger, I remember going in to a store and trying on jeans that were popular. I remember wanting so badly to be in a size 2 and when I tried on these particular jeans I was a size 5! A SIZE 5. I couldn't believe it. I was determined to make them fit! I jumped around like a crazy person. I decided to lay on the floor and see if being flat would help. You know, having gravity be in my favor. Nothing worked. I started to hate myself, shame myself and make a mental note to not eat so I could be skinnier and fit into the jeans. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and calling myself fat. How could I be a size 5 right now when I am wearing a size 3? It doesn't make sense!
What I didn't realize then and what has only recently started to click is that those numbers are just a number. They don't define me. They don't dictate my self worth. What I realize now is that just because I wear a particular size in one brand doesn't mean it will be the same in another. Why couldn't I understand that back then? Why did it take me so long to realize I am far better than that number? That my happiness isn't indicative on a size or a number.
But what happens when we actually get there though? Are we really any happier? Or does the happiness fade and we want to get even smaller, look like this and that. We continue a cycle of inevitable failure. We constantly are reminding ourselves about what we aren't. We continue to deprive ourselves of what we need the most: self love.
Did you know that most of the time the number or size you are shooting for isn't healthy for you or your body type? I have always thought that 110 was a good number for me. So I obsessed about getting that low. I would weigh myself daily once before and once after the workout. I would take off my shoes just to get closer to that number. I was a slave to that scale.
I had reached my goal of 110 but ultimately wasn't happy. I was on a strict diet, exercising like crazy and for what? To still be unhappy? I didn't look like whom I wanted to look like. I didn't look like the girls on the magazines. I didn't look like the girls on social media. I was constantly obsessing about the number on the scale. I was ultimately trapped. I was trapped in societies 'idea' of what is beautiful. I was trapped in thinking I had to look like the fitness gurus, the girls on the magazines and the models. I couldn't see the beauty in myself. I felt like I had so much pressure on myself to be something I wasn't. What has hit me the most and what I have learned is that a healthy weight for someone else isn't a healthy weight for you.
And you know what? I can't even fit into those jean shorts anymore and I couldn't be happier! I am living my life and not living my life for a number. I am focusing more on my health, my family and living.
We all need to stop focusing so much on a number or size and to stop letting it rule our lives. Numbers and sizes don't define me and they don't define you. They shouldn't control you. They shouldn't ultimately be the deciding factor on your happiness and the way you love yourself.
Loving yourself and loving your journey will be the most rewarding thing if you allow yourself to do so.
© 2017 Kira Dokos