ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Don't Try To Manage Your Anger

Updated on May 18, 2020
Grahame Milton-Jones profile image

Grahame has used his knowledge of psychotherapy built up over 20 years to provide this valuable advice.

Source

Anger is a natural response

Anger is a natural response to certain events, but when the anger is exaggerated or too swift to arise it must be sorted out. When people perceive an injustice, they feel anger and this response is just and fair. The person who feels they are the subject of injustice almost all the time (persecution) has another problem altogether.

Some people are slow to become angry; they react to events in a more measured manner and when they do react it is often logical and in proportion. Others seem to explode and drive fear into everyone around them. These people are often avoided and treated with lots of space. The person with a “hair trigger” or “short fuse” can be very hard to live with.

Anger can develop into an Intermittent Explosive Disorder

Of course, those with an anger problem may go on to be violent as well. It is a short step between feeling anger and wanting it resolved physically as a result of feeling ignored and wanting to punish.

Intermittent explosive disorder involves repeated, sudden episodes of impulsive, aggressive, violent behaviour or angry verbal outbursts in which people react grossly out of proportion to the situation. Road rage, domestic abuse, throwing or breaking objects, or other temper tantrums may be signs of intermittent explosive disorder.

Source

The common attempts at dealing with anger

When anger arises and it is not responding naturally to a situation, people adopt one of a variety of ways of coping:

  1. Using conscious will, in other words, trying to control the temper by biting their lip, walking away or counting to ten (this is a waste of time and rarely works). Willpower alone will not resolve the anger situation because it requires monumental effort and sooner or later the anger will burst through the control.

  2. Medication, such an anti anxiety medication which suppresses the person not just during the anger burst but all the time. While this may be appropriate in order to calm the person temporarily (a few weeks or so), it is not a long term solution. Medication always comes with side effects.

  3. Self medication, which means alcohol and street drugs. The most common, easily available and cheap is alcohol which people can take without any risk of prosecution. The main problem is that alcohol reduces self control and allows anger to come out more easily. While it can mellow people, it can enable anger bouts. It is commonly found that domestic violence is accompanied by alcohol.

The REAL causes of chronic anger

People often ask about how to manage anger, but managing is not the real solution. “Managing” is a bit like damming a river; it is possible to build a dam wall and it can be very high, but the river keeps building up behind it. At some point, the dam with break or the water will spill over the top. It is better to divert the river instead.

There are many causes of anger. Some are caused by incidents in life that just happen. These should not result in an explosion of anger, but a measured response to the cause. Anger is quite right and proper in the correct circumstances. It is the inappropriate anger that causes problems. This can be caused by:

  1. Real or imagined injustice. Quite often, someone with anger issues will feel persecuted and paranoid, as if they are looking for something which will cause them to become angry. Real injustice which is intentional is quite rare; accidental injustice can be calmed with a simple apology.

  2. A taught response. When someone has grown up in a home where the natural response to conflict is anger, this is the response that will be displayed whenever problems arise in the future. If the anger outburst does not result in the desired response (eg the other person backing down), it can very quickly escalate into a full scale row with violence. The person does not have any other emotional tools to deal with conflict other than anger and violence.

  3. Unable to let go. Once an argument has run its course, it is important to let the disagreement come to an end. Some people cannot do this and revisit the same argument time after time. Because it is never laid to rest, the same issues continue to surface and are never resolved.

  4. A past injustice. This is where the person has experienced an injustice in the past which is still fresh in the unconscious mind. It may have arisen decades in the past but not forgotten. The person may not remember much about it but the unconscious mind still dwells on it. These people seem to be angry all the time; they are even angry when they wake up. All it takes is the smallest provocation and they “go through the roof”. Though the present provocation may be small, it is the historical injustice that the person is still reacting to.

Imagine a girl with a mother who frequently picks on her but is far from perfect herself. The girl will feel that her mother is unfair; she will become hypersensitive to criticism and subject to anger. Time does not reduce this underlying anger and it is never resolved. The key is to understand that the mother has a problem, and that she is not deliberately behaving that way. One route may be to try to forgive the mother for being psychologically damaged and also to avoid seeking an apology (it never happens), but possible limit the future contact with the mother.

Source

Resolving chronic anger

Resolving anger requires considerable self understanding and a willingness to look inside the mind. It is necessary to understand the underlying cause of the anger and to deal with it logically until it is satisfactorily processed. Unfortunately most angry people believe that other people are the cause of their problem and not them.

Angry people need to rethink large parts of their lives, and this will usually demand considerable adjustment. It is the time to stop seeking apologies and to stop being “right” all the time. It is necessary to accept an imperfect world.

There are no tricks to managing anger

Instead, the cause of anger should be investigated. When the cause is understood, it can be removed by either meditation (if the person is capable of doing so) or by seeking a professional who understands what to do.

The process of healing requires psychotherapy, patience, persistence and practice

Anger is a very divisive emotion that never does anyone any good. It can scare people, dominate, frighten others and cause uncountable relationship breakups. Anger, should not be completely removed, it should be reduced to a measured response which is appropriate in the circumstances.

Source

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment
    • The Stages Of ME profile image

      Kathy Henderson 

      12 days ago from Pa

      Great points, everyone can benefit from a little anger management these days. It seems that when under new pressures the pots will come to a boil quickly. Daily spiritual disciplines can be a wonderful tool. Thank you for sharing these tips as a reminder to all.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://maven.io/company/pages/privacy

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)