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Fat Men Don't Need Coats!

Updated on April 22, 2011

 I stood outside, dressed for the weather, when out came a man.  He was not wearing a coat.  I knew this man, and jokingly I asked:  "Hey! Where's your coat?"  and he replied:  "Fat men don't need coats!"  There you have it.  I thought that would be a good title for a book.  Or an article.  How about a hub?  Yes, not enough material there for a book.

It is true, though.  My first wife was very beautiful, slim and always cold.  I spent the first few years trying to convince her that she WAS beautiful and not fat.  When finally she believed me and left for greener pastures, I swore I would get a fat wife next time.  But a strange thing happened...  I learned not to get a wife that is fatter than yourself.  I turned into the one who was always cold!  She had a fan blowing on her all night long. I just hunkered down and the wind would blow on her and over me.  So I called her my 'fan blocker'. 

Thermostatic problems arrive with a woman's changes too.  Thankfully she becomes hot.  I mean temperature-wise. If you happen to be lucky enough to still be married to your original skinny wife, you will get a reprieve from the ever present "I'm cold".  I did not get that knowledge first-hand.  My 'husband-in-law' (such as he likes to call himself...  okay, so I don't hate him) tells me these things.

I remember being a child in the cold northland.  My dad would be out shovelling snow in his shirtsleeves.  I was required to wear a coat.  I tried going out without one.  No way!  I could not understand how Dad could do it.  Now I do.  Sorry, Dad.  I'm fat too now.  Oh well.

I moved from the north to the south and found a new phenomenon:  being cold is relative.  Up north, we would pray for 40 degree weather and rejoice if it ever hit 50 after October and before April.  Here, they wear hat, coat, scarf, gloves and walk around shivering when the temperature goes down to 40. 

One day I watched as my boss donned insulated pants, heavy winter coat, hat and gloves.  Then he reluctantly opened the overhead door so we could load some supplies inside.  He asked "Aren't you gonna help?" I wasn't sure why he asked that;   I was fully intending to help.  I was standing right there, wasn't I?  He assumed since I was still wearing just a t-shirt, that i was planning on staying inside and not helping.  It was 40 degrees outside. NOT cold.  Of course I did have him by 30 or 40 pounds... Okay maybe 50. Okay maybe 100.  So, REALLY... it is like a layer of insulation!  How could I possibly EVER be cold with so much insulation keeping me warm?

Even now, as I write this, it is 'winter' here.  I do have the heat on for other people in the house. MY room however, has the window open and the ceiling fan on. 

Maybe I should move to Alaska.  I hear everything is more expensive there.  I like the idea of driving a snowmobile to the store and everywhere else.  I like Sarah Palin.  Though she is not governor... still, if SHE is there... maybe I could find a nice republican babe to rub noses with.

I think there might be alot less crap to deal with in Alaska.  All the lazy and cold people would not live there.  Lazy people would not put up with the extra effort just to survive there.  Cold people - dah! So I surmise then, that there would be an abundance of responsible hard-working people.  People who mind their business, pay bills, put trash in the trash and don't talk about how cold it is or not - they are in ALASKA!

So fat men don't need coats.  Until they move to Alaska maybe.


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