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Fun With Menopause

Updated on March 14, 2018
Crystal Bennett profile image

Crystal is a Christian, Wife, Mother, Novelist, and former Behavior Specialist with an education in History and Religious Studies.

Because hormones...

I'm not crazy, I'm hormonal...

I wrote this several months ago and wanted to share with the women of the world, what my experience has been like. You are not alone! To the men of the world... I apologize if this scares the daylights out of you, but I honestly hope you get a good laugh from it. Quietly... away from your wives... like... in a closet somewhere safe... with the door locked and the lights off...

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t. The definition of "nut” can change from day to day, or sometimes minute to minute if you happen to be a teenage girl or a menopausal woman, and the only real difference between the two is the menopausal woman probably knows how to kill you and make it look like an accident. Teenagers tend to panic and run around too much to make it look believable, am I right?

So what could be so awesome about hormonal mood swings that make young girls want to be teenagers, and adult young women think their mothers are so lucky? Lack of information and commercialism, that’s what! Advertisement companies tell young girls they will suddenly become mature and sophisticated the moment they get their first period, and make middle-aged women appear calm and blithe as a result of the absence of theirs. Meanwhile, every Thirty or Forty-something woman is cursing her younger counter—part for being so naïve while reading, "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret." while wishing it would happen to them. *No offense, Judy Blume, It was awesome and I loved it, but the actual experience was less than the magical event I had envisioned, thank-you-very-much.* Well let me tell my 30—something counterpart something – You don 't have any more information than little miss preteen me did, so sit down, and shut up!

Hormones suck, so get over it. Apparently the big cosmic joke is that we get the big "gift" when we come into womanhood, but let's face It, it 's a curse and the only thing that Changes Is that you now have cramps, your boobs hurt, nothing fits right, and you have to go to the loo way more often with a lot more mess to clean up. As if that weren't bad enough, Miss Teenager with stars fading from your eyes, you can now get pregnant. You’re welcome!

Skip ahead forty years and you get the Big M. That’s right, the dreaded word, “Menopause.” It’s like puberty all over again, but much worse. You’re grouchy, sad, your boobs hurt, and you still have cramps because the periods are much worse, and you 'II swear you 're going to bleed to death any minute. You’re hot, cold, up, down. You love your man one minute and the next you wish you had an ice pick to ram through his... never mind. Going to the ladies reminds you of every horror flick you've ever seen. Remember the hallway scene from The Shining? Yeah. Nailed it, Stephen King… Nailed it, buddy.

Where was It Oh right… You forget everything. I mean freaking everything! One day I actually forgot what I was doing while I was doing it. I firmly believe it's the hormonal equivalent of dementia. Well, this cosmic joke ain't funny, ‘cause I ain't laughin' and I have a great sense of humor.

And then there's the biggest lie of all; "It get's better." Oh really? How does it get better exactly?

The medical professionals will tell you that one full year without a menstrual cycle means you're fully in

— because everything up to that point is menopause "perimenopause" the definition of which could and should be referred to as "Hell On Earth" — you are supposed to stop the demon possession phase and enter into the "Golden Years" phase we see On the commercials. What really happens is eleven months without a cycle, you’ll think you’re in the home stretch, and BLAMMO!

The floodgates of hell open up, you've gone through two boxes of supplies and are running to the market for a third as fast as possible so you can get home before springing a leak in your last pair of clean jeans, but as soon as you get in the car... oops. Well, at least there are still pajama pants.

Mother Nature is a vindictive, hormonal bitch. I have several female friends who've survived this time of their lives, amazingly managed to stay out of prison, and the damage to others was negligible at most, so there's hope. They tell me the hot flashes never really go away, and apparently, there are some intermittent issues with peeing while laughing, coughing and sneezing. Oh, joy. I have wicked allergies, so this should be fun. I guess that's where the term, “The Golden Years” came from. Happy Hormonal Adventures to all, and to all a good life!

*No men were harmed in the making of this article.*

© 2018 CA Bennett


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