- Mental Health»
- Anxiety Disorders
Gee, its fun being me. *insert sarcasm here*
This is mostly for me.
So. I've started and ditched more blog entries than I can remember in the past week or so. It just seems to me that nothing I have to say is that important. I don't know if this is, either. But its get it out here or roll up into a ball on the floor and cry.
I got a job. Its a receptionist kind of deal I start on Monday. Its part-time, and the hours are really flexible - I can still put my girls on the bus in the morning and be home in time for the bus to return them in the afternoon. On non-Kindergarten days, I can bring my five year old with me, so I don't have to worry about daycare. My new boss is completely fine with me working on freelancing stuff during the day when the phone isn't ringing - he was actually the one who suggested it. All of the perks are to offset the fact that the starting pay isn't great.
So, naturally, because I'm me, and I am special, I am choosing to focus on the fact that the pay isn't great. Surely, I have failed my family by not bringing in more money. Never mind the opportunities this new job gives me. Never mind that I am not locked into it for life. No, let's focus instead on "OhGodOhGodOhGOd I need to find freelancing jobs nownownow!" Cue the anxiety attacks. Cue the thinking that if I only could cause myself a little bit of pain, it would give me a few moments of something else to think about, and wouldn't that be nice? Cue the doubts about my abilities as a writer, and who is going to want to pay me to write for them, anyway? Cue the wanting to hide.
I don't know. Should I wait until I am safely into the new position and find that, yes, in fact I am smart enough to do the job and see if I get any confidence? Should I wait until then to try to convice someone that they want to pay me for my words? Do I even have anything so say? Am I really in a mental place where I can take the rejection that is obviously going to be a part of this whole thing?
Meh. Maybe I'll go and have a shower. Things always feel better when you're warm and clean.