He Got Me...Again!
More ranting and thoughts
I have always been a pretty self aware type of person. I have a pretty good understanding of what I am capable of. I know what situations I have to stay away from. I may not know exactly how I will react to everything. I could, however, tell you whether I am sure of my own composure or not. I tend to avoid the 'or not' situations when I am not ready for them. The thing is that we can't prepare for everything. My Prince's climb into heaven was a huge 'or not' but it is my new truth and I am trying to embrace it and embrace how it is changing me & challenging me.
One thing in this journey that really bothered me was everyone's reference to my youth. It was with every good intention and knowing this inspired composure in me. I didn't make mention of it. I am young, they are right, but the implication was that I have plenty of time to make a whole new life with someone. Like I said, pure intentions. No harm intended, but I just turned 3 months old last week. I am a 98 day old widow, perhaps it is a little too soon to be speaking of my 'future' and who will be in it. I took it as disrespectful to our love. Then I thought it was rude. Then I thought they may as well start working on an arranged marriage. Then I lightened up a bit. I am more seasoned now, it does not offend me. One of my dearest friends mentioned it today and it was a loving wish, it was no longer a hurt for me to hear. Still, I dreaded the first time someone would ask for my attention in that way. I was sure it would push me over my limit and I would not react well, even in a public place.
God makes me laugh. I talk to him openly. Especially now. I lost my confidant. I spoke to my Prince everyday about everything. The void is enormous. If I were to compare God to a friend here, he would be the one that makes you face your fears. You know the one that says they will hold your hand as they drag on a roller coaster when you are afraid of heights.
I am a simple girl. I look like a simple girl. I didn't think that not wanting to be approached would be a difficult objective. I am not society's definition of gorgeous. I am not a cookie cutter magazine girl. It was a simple prayer...Lord, I don't want to be bothered. Keep those intentions away from me please. Amen. I don't go many places. I am safe, right?
3 days ago, at walmart... AT WALMART!? My bank and martial arts class is there. I go often.
A young man walks up to me and tells me he saw me here the other day. He 'walks' me from the check out line to the door. "Hi". I am not rude, I say hi to everyone. So I say a forced hi in return. Then comes the 'My name is ? (I don't remember, is that bad?) and I really want to get to know you". As soon as he said it, I thought 'I can't believe it. Lord, now' (with an I'll get you for this smile on my face). I know technically the Lord is not supposed to get smirks from me but I figure he made me, he wanted me, the least I could do is give him an honest relationship with me. I won't curse him or get angry with him. I will question him and react to him. It is my human side after all. I didn't react the way that I had thought because the situation didn't allow me to. This man was younger than me. He was the salvation army bell ringer and had a disability that affected his maturity. He was basically a ginormous little boy. He was God's learning gift to me wrapped in red with a bell.
This person then asks me if I had a husband. I didn't say anything at all for a few moments. I have issues with this question. I say I do have a husband but I am classed as single and reminded that my marriage was only til death. So I say, I am a widow. He answers with 'What is a widow?' Oh Lord, how long is this lesson. So I explain in basic terms. He says his dad passed away and that it is sad then asks me to 'hang out' for his lunch break. He didn't notice that he had bought 2 ladies into this awkward situation as I was leaving walmart. I let him know that my daughter and I had places to be and that I was not accepting any invitations.
I was sure that when this situation came, the poor person on the other end would either be subjected to unexpected, unexplained tears or encounter a moody woman.
My prayer remains the same...Let me be still
But the situation reminded me that I can be trained to handle what comes.