Help I Can't I Get Pregnant
You've Been Trying to Conceive For Months
I am not writing this as someone who thinks she knows what you are going through. I am writing it as someone who knows exactly what you are going through and probably you are experiencing all of the feelings I experienced.
I went through every test known to man. Everything came back 'okay' there was nothing wrong with either me or my husband. In fact we were both considered very fertile. Hmmmm, then why the hell couldn't I get pregnant?
I had in fact managed to conceive within the first three months, but I lost the pregnancy at six weeks. I say pregnancy as that helped me to accept the miscarriage. I was thirty-five at the time, and my GP informed me that it's quite a common occurrence in older women. I didn't consider 35 to be old but in medical terms it is. We are not actually designed to be having babies in our thirties. I fell for my son who is now eighteen quite accidentally. It was easy. So why on earth could I not conceive almost a year after my miscarriage?
Constantly Feeling It
By this, I mean it's there in the back of your mind all of the time. I tried to convince myself that I was totally relaxed about it because everyone told me that it would happen when I was. The problem was, I was not really relaxed at all. I kept seeing pregnant women and then my close friend at the time announced she was pregnant. She knew what we were going through and she was very nervous about telling us. I said it was fine and of course she shouldn't be worried about me. I was happy for them. I was happy for them, but I also found it extremely tough to hear. I got mad at myself for feeling that way. It wasn't her fault that she had managed to fall pregnant in a few weeks. But it only served to make me feel even more rubbish.
I Was Constantly Affirming The Lack of A Baby
I wasn't a believer in the law of attraction at that time. I'm not trying to convert you to it, and this isn't a hippy dippy article either. I'm just pointing out the facts as I see them now. I had this over-riding feeling of lack. It consumed me. Everyone else was falling pregnant and I wasn't.
Two years later and I still wasn't pregnant. We decided to go for IUI. It was expensive and not all that successful. We were told that most couples had five rounds before conceiving.
IUI Didn't Work
The first round didn't result in a baby. What a waste of money I thought. The second round resulted in me producing six eggs. That might seem like a success bit it's actually the opposite. They will not even go near fertilising six eggs. The chance of multiple pregnancy is very high.
My consultant warned us not to have sex that night. I wanted to ignore him and take the chance. My husband however, was having none of it. In fact he was quite going off the idea of another baby at this point. Me, no way. I don't give up on anything, like ever. There was nothing wrong. I should be able to have a baby, so I was going to have one come hell or high-water.
Then something happened. My Father-in-Law became very ill. Within a week he was gone. I'm not quite sure what happened to me at that point. I was suddenly overcome with 'i've had enough' feeling. Not of life, of babies. In that moment I didn't even want one anymore. I assumed this feeling would pass and that I would be back to wanting one in a week or so. That never happened. I was actually completely over it.
Now you'd think that considering my theory that everything comes to you when you've let it go, I might suddenly fall pregnant. That didn't happen.
Why Wasn't I Able to Get Pregnant?
It is my belief that A) I felt NOT being able to become pregnant all of the time. I didn't go on about it or anything. The feeling was just there. B) I didn't really want another child. Okay, from everything you've read so far it seems as though I did. The thing is I didn't at first. When my husband suggested another baby I felt a little panic stricken. I'm not a naturally maternal type. It was only when I thought that I couldn't have another that I really wanted one. I didn't like mother nature telling me I couldn't have one. The thing is, I was then creating all of this inner resistance.
You know how you often hear about women trying to conceive for years, they give up and then they fall pregnant. Or they go for IVF and fall pregnant naturally before they even get to the start of the treatment? Well it's my firm belief that they have let go. Call it given up if you like. Either way, they have released all of that resistance. They no longer feel the lack because either they have accepted it, or they are moving on to adoption, IVF or some other form of treatment. It's out of their hands.
How I Feel Now
Relieved that I didn't have another baby. I wanted one for all of the wrong reasons. When I look back at that time all I see is me wanting something I couldn't have. I'm still a bit like that!
When I see my old friend with her son (if I had fallen then my child would be the same age) I feel a great sense of relief that I don't have a child of primary school age. My son is eighteen and I get to do whatever I like.
I got hung up on the baby thing without actually going deep inside and considering if I actually wanted one.
My advice to you if you are trying for a baby and can't fall is to let go of the need and the feeling of lack. If you can do that and there are no underlying issues then you are likely to fall pregnant sooner rather than later.