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Updated on April 14, 2011

I'd rather have a nightmare

Last night I had a humbling reminder of the true nature of my addiction. I got some bad news and didn’t take it very well at all. But even through that I felt no desire whatsoever to use. I remember just before falling asleep thinking to myself, “I have had no desire to use at all no matter what happens for over 6 months!” So I felt good about myself. It might be better put I felt pretty proud of myself.

Then I went to sleep. Have any of you ever had a high mare? You know what I’m talking about. Those dreams about getting high, kickin it with the old homies. Well I had some last night. In fact I had a lot more than some! Every time I would wake up from one I would shake that feeling off wonder where that came from then go back to sleep only to have yet another more vivid more intense high mare. These were the worst high mares I’ve had the whole time I’ve been clean. I’ve only been clean for about 11 months now but still. I remember having some pretty intense ones in prison but that was when I was still planning on getting high when I got out. These made those look like cartoons compared to high-tech cinema! I mean I could smell, see, feel, hear, all that; they were so real that I would wake up still feeling high for a minute! So I know that the bad dog is still there. I don’t think he’s gonna die or go away.

It’s like this. Being an addict is like stayin at the Hotel California. “You can check out anytime you like, but you can’t never leave!”


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    • Jack West profile image

      Jack West 6 years ago

      Actually I have read the Bondage Breaker by Neil T. Anderson. But it was years ago. I don't remember much about it but I do remember thinking it was good stuff. I'll check it out again sometime. Thank you Seek and Find. I would like to recommend a hub I wrote that better explains what I really went through in my addiction. Its called Satans Bubble. I get invited to speak at a lot of rehabs and I read this hub to them. But it was really written to the non addict so many of the people going through rehab ask me for a copy so they can give it to there family members that don't really understand addiction.

    • Seek-n-Find profile image

      Jenna Ditsch 6 years ago from Illinois

      I've heard it said, "We no longer have a sin nature, just a sin habit" when we are a new creation in Christ. Sin does not rule over us anymore, but it still tempts us and is still a struggle. I believe that things such as addictions can be complex--there is a mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, and social aspect to them. Many people or programs focus on some of these elements, but not all. People most often neglect the reality of the demonic when it comes to addiction. It seems like those dreams were an attempt of the enemy to tempt you or pull you back in. I've been attacked in many of my dreams. The ones that feel SO real, like you explained. I believe that those type are real in a way--a real encounter with the spiritual realm. Have you read Victory Over the Darkness or The Bondage Breaker by Neil T. Anderson? He has some great insight and teaching. Also, Elijah House Deliverance and Inner Healings by the Sandfords is a good resource. Thanks for sharing your journey.

    • Jack West profile image

      Jack West 7 years ago

      PlanksandNails. Thank you so much for that comment. This is exactly why I used to have a big problem with NA and AA. Because of the belief that once you are an addict you will always be an addict. I used to quote the Bible and say "He who the son sets free is free indeed." This is true. I believed that the philosophy of NA was in contradiction to that spiritual truth. For 10 years I stayed clean using only the church as my program. And it was a good program. The Church has been using the spiritual principles NA and AA teaches for 2000 years before NA and AA even existed. But I surrounded myself with people that had no clue what being an addict was. People that believed once you became a Christian and gave your life to Christ you could "check out." That you would no longer be an addict. People who believed like me in otherwords. But when I started to relapse none of those people good and Godly as they were had a clue.

      Now that I am back in God's grace I see that teaching differently. He who the Son sets free is free indeed. But only as long as he stays in the Son. God is the God of now. "Behold now is the day of salvation" 2 Cor 6:2. Na teaches "just for today." There is no contradiction. As long as I am in Christ and He is in me I have nothing to fear. But my addiction is doing pushups waiting for me to wonder away from the flock again. Now I still use the Church as my program and surround myself with Christian. But I also know to recognize the potential of myself when left to myself. So I also surround myself with recovering addicts. The Christians remind me that I am indeed free. The recoverind addicts remind me that I can indeed pick my addiction back up.

      Galatians 6:1 Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.

      "Lest thou also be tempted." I wish before while I was so focused on "Free indeed," Someone had pointed out to me "also be tempted."

    • PlanksandNails profile image

      PlanksandNails 7 years ago from among the called out ones of the ekklesia of Christ

      I guess you could see your "high-mare" in hindsight of what you have had to go through, but foresight in knowing that you do not want to go back to that crazy place.

      The only way to check out of the "Hotel California" is to look for Jesus Christ in the lobby. He knows where you are and will come to the place you are in and where you are at, even the crazy place at the "Hotel California".

      Jesus will choke out that "bad dog", just ask Him to do it after He hands you the keys.

      He will give you the free gift of grace which are the keys to you checking out for good.

      Remember, once you have checked out of the "Hotel California", it is imperative that you check into the "Hotel Grace" and abide there until the owner comes for you to take you to His mansion.