Highmares

Last night I had a humbling reminder of the true nature of my addiction. I got some bad news and didn’t take it very well at all. But even through that I felt no desire whatsoever to use. I remember just before falling asleep thinking to myself, “I have had no desire to use at all no matter what happens for over 6 months!” So I felt good about myself. It might be better put I felt pretty proud of myself.

Then I went to sleep. Have any of you ever had a high mare? You know what I’m talking about. Those dreams about getting high, kickin it with the old homies. Well I had some last night. In fact I had a lot more than some! Every time I would wake up from one I would shake that feeling off wonder where that came from then go back to sleep only to have yet another more vivid more intense high mare. These were the worst high mares I’ve had the whole time I’ve been clean. I’ve only been clean for about 11 months now but still. I remember having some pretty intense ones in prison but that was when I was still planning on getting high when I got out. These made those look like cartoons compared to high-tech cinema! I mean I could smell, see, feel, hear, all that; they were so real that I would wake up still feeling high for a minute! So I know that the bad dog is still there. I don’t think he’s gonna die or go away.

It’s like this. Being an addict is like stayin at the Hotel California. “You can check out anytime you like, but you can’t never leave!”