Holding on By a Thread...
I am sure that the title to this Hub versus the pictures may seem confusing. The contrast in the beauty of the Autumn season and depression seem so very far apart. In truth, they are a reflection of the place that depression sometimes takes us. Life for those that are affected by depression can be confusing. Life is good and things are going great and yet... still we find ourselves feeling lost and alone.
Fall or Autumn, as it is truly known as, is a mirror of where the mind takes us. Looking outside, I watch as the leaves take on a new look. The colors are vibrant, reds and greens with that beautiful shade of yellow peeking through them. On the outside, so much "eye-candy" but there is a knowing that they will soon die and fall to the ground. They will be raked and either tossed in the waste or burned. I think about myself and others that are the same as me. Winter Will come and we Will feel it's bitter cold. The outside beauty often color coats the truth of what a person suffering from depression or bipolar really is.
Again, I show you that Fall is so much like the inflictions that come with being depressed. Yes, there is a beauty that anyone looking at me will see. A high that makes me believe that I will achieve the goals I have set for myself, one very important one, seeing my novels become house-hold reading. But, I also Know that with thast high will come a Low of equal strength. It will have the power to take myt mind to the darkest places one could imagine. A place that brings on fears and feelings of failure and short comings. Some-where that most would not want to go and that those that do strive so hard to be happy with no under-lineing of sorrow and questions.
I sit here today and want so much to win the battle of this disorder. I hear those that say "You just have to get over it." The echos of It is not something you can't control or get on with your life because of." Hmmm??? Such easy words to say and yet, unless you live this life, you can not understand nor pass judgement on those of us that fight each day, all day to not allow this infliction to take over our thoughts and actions. Depression is not something you simply get over. It is a reality that comes and goes with out warning. I write to find release and peace of the mind and heart.
Those that love us and live with us or deal with our issues, our safe place, struggle to understand why we are how we are. they want so badly to reach out and help us. They hold us and try to take our fears and tears away from us. Sometimes, they even try to absorb our sadness and make it their own. Ahhh, but we won't let that happen. That might hurt someone and our hearts are not made that way. Things we should have done or would have done if we had the strength to do so. NO ONE wants to be this way. It is draining at times and strips of the ability to do anything. We start 100 projects and finish none. If something is Not finished, it can not be reviewed or critiqued. Funny, how we think that way. To avoid a judgement, we simply do not complete something. And so life goes on for us in that way, waiting for the Low we know will follow the high.
I write this to let others know they are Not alone and that there is an understanding by others. Others that live the same scrambled egg life that I do. Those of you that love someone that suffers daily this way, know this. It is through Love and acceptance that we survive. Tourettes is a horrible battle and the issues that come with it can be as hard on the ones that love us as we our selves. By your seeing us as people and not freaks, allowing us to have our "Ticks" and head shaking, dropping things now and then because we could not control our hands or of our fingers movements, without pointing it out to us... That, is the love and safe place we seek out. Your walk with us is very often harder for you than us. We live with it and do not always think about the things we are doing. You, as our safe place, see it and cry for us, adding to our feelings that we cause our loved ones to cry. We carry that with us every-where we go.
Life... it is not the same as those not inflicted. I try to imagine a place that has no sorrows that are so deep, they hurt inside. I can not find it in my mind that there are truly those out there that live each and every day with out dread or fear or the feelings that you have failed in everything you have done. Welcome to my world. Just love me and give me a safe place to be. A place I do not have to hide my "ticks" and "jerks" and sounds that involuntarily find their way to my vocal cords. Not a freak! Just someone that deals with life a little differently than you. A person that sees the world through totally different eyes. A soul filled to the brim with enough love to explode all over the world. A heart that wants only to give and be like everyone else. <Love goes a Long ways for us. trust is an issue that comes few and far between for us. Love us and keep your trust true.
Ahhhh, the sadness fills me, and I do not know why. That answer is irrelevant. Suffice to say, we are there.