How To Stop This Pain?
You Become The Person You Hate
I heard that quote from Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, a well known spiritual and meditation master from India and founder of Art Of Living. It is such a simple quote yet it has such a profound meaning, this wisdom has been resonating in our lives since the time of our ancestors. We become the person we hate. That is why it is very important to be able to forgive. And I am not talking about the pretentious kind of forgiving.
You do not have to approach the person you "hate" and tell him/her "I forgive you." That will just confuse the person and probably make him/her give you more reasons to hate him/her. No. I am talking about the kind of forgiving that gives you a semblance of acceptance and peace. That kind of process happens within you.
How many times have we seen people get married to the wrong type. Many women get married to the guy that just abuses her. She will leave him only to get with another man who is equally or more abusive. It is like a pattern. How many sons despise their fathers and how cruel or thick skinned they are. They vow they will never be like their dad once they have their own family. Only to find out later on that they are not that much different from that thick skinned person that their father is/was.
The only way to stop this madness is to realize the pattern. It is never too late. Lucky is the man who realizes that he is doing the same thing which the man he despises the most was doing to him, and stop midway and makes a conscious effort to start doing things differently. It will obviously be better if he realized well in advance that he has this feeling of hatred and immediately decides to forgive and make peace.
We all to a certain degree carry this with us, whether we realize it or not. Someone just need to trigger the right buttons and we can unleash all our past ghosts.
Sometimes I feel hate/love are two sides of the same coin. We can also be the person we love. If we are lucky enough to be brought up in a house that is functional and full of love we will also function well in society, and we will look for spouse that reflects the values of the house we were brought up in. That really is what it is all about. We will look for someone who reflects the value of the house we were brought up in.
Especially women. Women will almost always find a man that is similar to their father. Their father is their first man in this world. The father is one that will give the first impression on what a man is supposed to be like. If you are a rude, thickskinned father, chances are your daughter will go after the same kind of man. So do not wonder and moan that about why your daughter got married to a jerk. The only way she will look after a different man than you is if she makes a conscious effort, but love and attraction is a very powerful thing and can very easily overpower our conscious efforts.
Let us start looking deep within us.
No Such Thing As A Happy Ending
It is becoming more and more of a trend now that people are driven by events instead of process. But the fact remains the same, your whole life is a constant process. A process to better yourself to get rid of your bad habits, of your dark and bitter past if you have one. There is no happy ending here.
Everyday you get up you may still feel the hatred towards the person you forgave just yesterday. Everyday you need to forgive and make this conscious effort. It may be hard in the beginning because the hatred is so strong, but slowly and gradually it will not be so overpowering and forgiving will be a habit. You will forgive instead of hate.
Ask any person who used to be an addict. Whether alcohol, gambling, drugs. Everyday is a struggle for them. Especially if they have just stopped. Everyday they need to remind themselves "One more day." or "not today." The temptation to go back to your old ways is always lurking around the corner waiting for you to be weak enough. And attack you with "maybe I will just have a swig, one swig won't do any harm." That is why they have things like rehab and Alcoholic Anonymous. Even people who have been sober for years sometimes feel the temptation.
So it is a constant and on going process. This may sound a bit disheartening but realize that as you keep doing this process, it will be more and more easier until it becomes a habit. When I started going to the gym early in the morning it used to be the hardest thing to get up and go. But I ignored that and just got up irrespective of whatever my mind was telling me, Now it has become a habit. But there are times when I just do not feel like getting up, this will always happen and you need to always be mentally ready to face such temptations because it tends to show its ugly face when you are at your weakest.
People should stop celebrating too much. The media always shows the event. But not the process. The event where Steve Jobs launching the latest gadget is covered by media from all over the world. But who covered the process of inventing the gadgets? No one. Because it is boring, it is not inspiring, It is probably a bunch of geeks sitting around talking mechanical things that no one will probably understand. sleepless nights sitting in the lab, testing out if this works, or if that works, making the software. Imagine having to sit through the whole process of making the latest version of iOS, BORING!!!
Who wants to go through that? Not us! We all want to go through the good stuff! We all want to be called on stage to receive a trophy for going to the gym consistently for three straight months! Wow! What an achievement!! This guy deserves a Nobel!! We all want Oprah gushing at us and asking "HOW DID YOU DO THAT, O GREAT SIR/MADAM??!!"
Let us get back to the nitty gritty, people.
Stop Playing The Victim
I am probably the last person who should preach about this, but this hub will not be complete without it. I have seen many people blaming the upper 1% and how they occupied Wall Street in America. Blaming the rich people about how greedy and egoistic they are. I am not taking sides here. But what were those people occupying Wall Street doing? they could have used that precious time to be more productive.
We love playing the victim, it is such a righteous feeling. Aren't we to be blamed as well? Bernie Madoff fooled many people and he is now in jail. But think of the people he fooled, they were a bunch of people who were not careful with their money, there is a saying "A fool and his money will soon be parted." this cannot be more true when it comes to Ponzi scheme victims.
You only need to see what the victims say in programs like American Greed "he looked very trust worthy", "he was very well dressed and well spoken", "he was driving such a nice car." and my favorite "We never thought!!" You are damn right you never thought, and you never think! We always refuse to dig deeper. Why is that? Are we too lazy? I do not understand.
The most hilarious part of the Occupy Wall Street epic was seeing people like Kanye West walk among the demonstrators, with all his bling and "swag". The guy is worth hundreds of millions. He is easily among the upper 1% but he was smart enough to play into the ego of the demonstrators. He single handedly showed how easily fooled these demonstrators were.
Ok, Let us stop talking about victims of scam and people who lost their jobs. Lets talk about those people who are browsing through their smartphones and the reception is a bit slow. They will complain "I just hate verizon/at&t/whatever operator you use."
You hate it? Great! That is an open market for you right there! There is a hole in the market for a phone operator that beats the one you are currently using. How about you get up from your couch and make your own cellphone operator, make it better, faster and cheaper than the one you are currently using. Come on, you have found a weakness, time to exploit it to your advantage! make millions, even billions! Go ahead! No? why? Because complaining is so much fun and easier. That is what we all want don't we? Easy. We all want events and not process. We all want the $19.99 business kit that will make us rich in 3 weeks. Bernie Madoff gave us the dream that we can make millions EASILY, and boy was it easy. For him.
Easy come easy go.
Stop playing the victim. My father is rude to me, my job sucks, there are hardly any jobs now, they are taking all our money. Yes you got screwed, but get up, wipe the dust of your feet and do something. Take action, Think of something, find a solution. There HAS to be a solution. Open your eyes, your ears and shut your mouth. Look around you and find a solution.
We should thank heavens we live in a society, if we were part of the animal kingdom, our complains and weakness would make us easy prey. It could literally mean death. Animals don't have the luxury to complain, they need to find a way to survive. Everyday there is a good chance they will get killed and become food. Every single day. Imagine if that was what your life was like.
Animals, if they just sit there, they will never be able to get food and water and unknown to them another animal is sneaking up on them aiming for their jugular and eat them up. Get up from your couch and learn how to survive, we have it way easier than our animal counterparts in the wild.
Animals do not have time to brood over how much they fear this or that, how much they fear going on their own instead of looking for jobs. They have no choice. Their biggest fear can greet them at anytime. They don't have government welfare programs that stops all Lions and Tigers to attack them.
Implementing All This.
Perhaps I have missed few more tips or advice here, if you can think of anything else do share. I share these tips because to a great extent I have used them and they have worked like a miracle. Yes it is hard to implement at first, but always know that as time goes by it will be easier and easier till it will become a habit. The key is to be persistent when it comes to these advices.
You might find better advices somewhere else, but it won't be of any use if you don't implement them and are not consistent, because then you will just fall back to your old ways. Only now you will have guilt for falling back to your old ways. When you do fail, do not get angry at yourself, simply get up and try again. You are bound to fail. In fact, you will fail. The key is to learn from your failures and get up as a stronger and wiser person and implement these advices better. Good Luck.