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Good riddance toxic controller friend!

Updated on January 31, 2012

Can't wait to say good bye

I've met a toxic friend, another one... You know, those that just have to control everything, those that can't help but bully you. Those that could care less about how they get along, or how you feel as long as they get their point across.

Those that find it amusing to ignore you, but pretend that you remain a good listener. Those that keep score while they're having a conversation. They don't see in you a human being, they see a contender.

So something inside of you starts shaking, you don't really get it. After all, what's the point of so much arguing really?

It gives them pleasure, for all that the word implies. They truly derive pleasure from altercations, controversies and endless debates in a sadistic kind of way.

They come at you with this chip on the shoulder is almost a brick. I don't know how they manage to hold for so long. Is like not breathing. This "I'm gonna get her now" attitude that starts off annoying you and ends up choking you.

We all have had to deal with these personalities. They come in all shapes and sizes. The premium models come in mother and father variety. They also show up as boyfriend, partner or lover. For the most part, we have to deal with them as co-workers, friends and acquaintances.

Albeit in person, on the phone or through the internet, these relationships end up draining the victim's or target's energy.

What to do when they're looming on the horizon

Just like when you see rain in the horizon, such is the way toxic personalities. They drop on you like a storm.

1. Know that your mental health comes first. If you feel uncomfortable in any way, rest assured is not a normal interaction.

2. Be kind, but do walk away for your life. Do not put them down bluntly. Try your best to be nice, but do withdraw. It could backfire if they detect you are rejecting them, especially when it comes to relatives.

3. Limit the scope of your conversations with them. Absolutely do not get personal with these kind of people. Especially if it's a loved one, but more so if it's an acquaintance. Personal facts are ammunition they will definitely use against you.

4. Toxic personalities are not friends. Do not try the friend/therapy path, do not play martyr. You need to withdraw, there is no saving them. Let them rant and go on. Let them talk about themselves. Let them be right if you will. Be absent minded.

5. Their mission in life is to suck you in if you are not careful. If you think that none of what is posted here will happen to you. If you do not learn to go to your happy place while you are near them, they will literally suck you in. You will feel it in your drained spirit, which eventually can get you physically ill.

The dementor of Harry Potter is portrayed by psychologists as the equivalent of toxic personality disorder.
The dementor of Harry Potter is portrayed by psychologists as the equivalent of toxic personality disorder.

Did I mention you are not meant to save them? You are not!

You get on a plane. The stewardess starts the video about safety measures and goes on to explain something about the oxygen mask.

Does she tell you to put it on somebody else first? No. She tells you to get your mask on first.

Being selfish is one of the most healthiest attitudes I know. Be selfish. Selfish doesn't mean you don't care for others. Selfish means you are your very best friend. Selfish means you present yourself to others in an agreeable appearance because you love yourself , not because you need to show off. Is called self-respect.

In other words, if you witnessed your children being mistreated verbally or physically, would you intervene to prevent it? Well, a toxic personality is in your scope to harm you. They are especially dangerous in an emotional level because they have no idea, nor are they connected emotionally to the damage they are exerting upon others.

So you need to be selfish, protect your inner child, put your mask on and slowly walk away.

Oftentimes there's a degree of co-dependency on the victim's part. Have a project of life handy. This is one of the reasons I started hubbing myself. Wish you the very best and remember that the world is a huge place full of wonderful new friends. Sometimes it takes but move on three blocks to transform one's circumstances. Let's start taking baby steps towards our mental health and down with dementor (toxic) personalities!!!


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    • CrazyGata profile image

      CrazyGata 3 years ago from Puerto Rico

      Thank you very much for your post and your enthuse!

    • annart profile image

      Ann Carr 3 years ago from SW England

      Oh yes! The dementors that stifle you; I knew one in particular very well, he was the husband of a childhood friend. Fortunately he's now an ex so I don't need to speak to nor see him anymore - wonderful! It's so sad because they are the ones that lose out on life in the end. The become old and lonely.

      I particularly like your 'learn to go to your happy place' philosophy. That's a good strategy to have.

      Getting rid of negativity makes us happier and better people so I agree with your sentiments here 100%. Great hub!


    • Ortiz Jose profile image

      Ortiz Jose 3 years ago

      This is very helpful to me. I will start charting right away. Thank you.

    • CrazyGata profile image

      CrazyGata 5 years ago from Puerto Rico

      I sent this to a friend today. He tells me he rereads this often... so do I... especially when is Monday call relatives day. Thank you JamaGenee!

    • JamaGenee profile image

      Joanna McKenna 5 years ago from Central Oklahoma

      My mother and her entire family were toxic-on-steroids. Of course, I didn't realize that while I was growing up among them. And as often happens, once old enough to leave home, I was only attracted to the other varieties of toxic people. It took several decades to wise up and stop doing that, but now I have NO problem distancing myself from such people IMMEDIATELY.

      I do have one relative who doesn't quite fit the description of "toxic" per se, but they DO suck the energy out of any room they're in. Oddly, this is only possible if we're physically in the same room, so I limit communication with that relative to phone calls and emails.

      Great hub! Voted up and awesome! ;D

    • profile image

      Hecky 6 years ago

      In all my 43 years I've encountered 1...and I was such a fool letting her in my life that I lost the only thing I really wanted, my marriage. There must be a strong correlation between Toxic People and Borderline Personality Disorder...well, that just ocurred to me...I'm out to prove it...nice hub like always...

    • CrazyGata profile image

      CrazyGata 6 years ago from Puerto Rico

      Here's the hub in case you have the time, looking forward to your comments.

    • CrazyGata profile image

      CrazyGata 6 years ago from Puerto Rico

      Thank you very much nybride710, my dear friend Manfred, and Shea Duane for your comments. Yes, I know a bit about family members being toxic, my mother is one. I've been going around the thought of a hub entitled: My mother and I hate each, and we love it that way...

      Vampires are definitely a great comparison, and I mean, we all need to vent these truly uncomfortable situations.

      Like my mother went to visit a psychologist and later the psychologist sat down with me to tell me I had to put up with her, even though she had four diagnosis.

      I asked the psychologist: "What about me? Who deals with me?"

      The psychologist went on on she being my mother. Sorry but a mother does motherly things. I do talk to her, check on her, but in my cell phone she is listed as Martha, not Mom.

    • shea duane profile image

      shea duane 6 years ago from new jersey

      It's even worse when toxic people are members of our own families!

      great hub.

    • profile image

      Manfred Kramer 6 years ago i know what you mean by "toxic" Mara! :) well, those are not really friends...they are acquaintances i've made now+then, here+now and i call them "vampires" because they just suck on you for whatever they're in need of and instead of feeling elated or somewhat satisfied by the interaction you feel used and sucked up and you have the distinct feeling of having wasted your time...a lesson i've learned relatively fast...and you are absolutely right, there is only one remedy: keep contacts to the absolute necessary, if possible: avoid completely to keep him/her out of your universe ;)

    • nybride710 profile image

      Lisa Kroulik 6 years ago from Minnesota

      Yep, I was married to one. It took 16 years and 2 months for me to figure out I wasn't meant to save him.