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I am a woman with Asperger's Syndrome - Getting out of an unhealthy relationship

Updated on March 22, 2014

Recognizing when your in an unhealthy relationship

For us Aspie's it is not easy for us to realize, right away, that we may be in an unhealthy relationship. Our processing speed is slower and our thoughts and feelings can easily become jumbled up confusing us. For me, I am constantly wondering if I am over reacting over something, or many things. I find that getting advice from people who are very close to me is sometimes the only way I can sort things out in my head enough to see things for the way they truly are.

You may be with someone who treats you well and has a lot of great qualities, but there could be a down side to that as well. Aspie's are easily taken advantage of, used and abused. We are good people and put too much trust in people because we assume that everyone is good, like us. So when someone isn't treating us right it is very easy for us to become extremely confused. We may not be able to end the relationship quickly because of our confusion. We may let the relationship draw out for as long as we can handle while we try to sort out our thoughts and feelings.

On one end we may be thinking "But this person is good to me and treats me great!" but we also may be thinking "This person makes me feel terrible at times and isn't treating me right at all."

We may let the relationship continue for quite a while if we are trying to do this on our own. Like I said above, the one thing that helps me see the big picture is talking to someone that is very close to me. You can figure out the whole situation easier by writing down everything as well. Write down your concerns and how your feeling. Also write down how you would like to be treated by a partner and see if your current partner is fulfilling that, or not.

Abuse is common for women on the spectrum. That doesn't just mean physical abuse as there are many other forms of abuse, like verbal. We are easy targets and need to protect ourselves at all times.

How to get out

If you are with an unstable partner, an abusive partner, or a partner with a lot of untreated problems, getting out of the relationship may take a little bit longer than you would like. Sometimes, if the problems are not severe, you end it and go your separate ways and that is it. Other times, it can be more difficult.

Always have a support system, in any case.

I have never been with a physically abusive partner, so I cannot comment on that subject too much, but I suppose a lot of what I write will pertain to any sort of relationship, including a physically abusive one.

When you do realize you need the relationship to end you cannot hold back any longer. Don't let it go on any further. If things are unhealthy then it's damaging, and staying in it any longer will only damage you further. Do what needs to be done in order to end the relationship. Verbally tell your partner it's over and don't feel pressured in needing to explain why, for he probably already knows. It's over, see ya! Goodbye!

Some people won't just go and leave you alone after it's all over and done with though. They will continue trying to see you, trying to talk to you, and trying to get you back. But by now you've realized that the relationship you had with this person was not good, so you will hopefully make the right decision in staying away.

Some people are even more difficult to get out of the picture. If things get scary don't ever be afraid to call the police, ever. Think about yourself and your safety! Do whatever you have to do in order to be free of this person.

Make sure your support system knows what is going on and when you are planning the breakup. The breakup may cause even more confusing thoughts and feelings within us. I know for me the confusion can be great at this time. I have been called "cold" and "emotionless" while breaking up. But at that time I am 100% done. But still, being called those things at a very stressful time can cause me further confusion. I also find myself wondering how my partner is thinking and what if I made the wrong move? I may feel horrendous guilt as well if they are reacting strongly over the breakup. Maybe I've made them cry? How do I handle that?

You just have to remember to stay strong. You know within you what you need and want out of a partner, and by this time you know for sure you are not getting it. You have to follow through. Your partner may want a ton of answers but you've probably already expressed your feelings in one way or another to them. There's no point in going over it all over again.

How to trust again?

Aspie's basically just automatically trust everyone. We feel that everyone is like us in the way they feel and think. They are good, trusting people. But that is just not the case! We need to realize that and remember it, every single day. We may have been in many unhealthy relationships but that doesn't mean we have to be in any more. Remember the signs and always remember what your needs and wants are. If they are not being met, at all, why stay in the relationship?

When you are getting to know someone new take it as slow as possible. I know that can be difficult, but it's your safest road to take. Remember that this person is not going to be like you no matter what and you need to know them in order to be able to trust them, or not.

Remember the signs! Don't forget your bad relationships, ever. You need to remember them in order to not repeat them. Eventually you will get stronger and stronger and will be able to get out of something a lot quicker if it's not good for you. It is empowering when you get to this stage! You realize that you will not let anyone walk all over you anymore, you have control over that. You will not allow someone to treat you in a way that is wrong, you have control over that as well. You will not let an unhealthy relationship go on way longer than it should ever go on for you will be able to realize things quicker and easier.

Trust doesn't happen overnight. And it can be quite tricky while getting to know someone new if you can fully trust them or not. In the beginning of new relationships people may act differently in order to impress you. They won't tell you about their bad sides. They want you to like them. So hold off on going too fast. Be around this person as much as you can be first without getting too serious.

Aspie Dating

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It's not all bad!

Some Aspie's have absolutely no intention to date, at all, while others date quite readily. I have been married and have had 2 children and am currently pregnant with my third. I have been in a few wonderful relationships that were ended for one reason or another. But I have been taken advantage of and used for quite a few of my relationships. I let this keep happening because it took me a long time to finally realize what was going on and to see the big picture. There's that slow processing speed... I made a change though and am stronger than I have ever been.

Not all people are bad, no of course not. But finding the right partner can be difficult. Just remember that there are good people out there! There are people that will want to treat you with respect and kindness. But you will never be able to find those people if you keep making the same mistakes bringing in partners into your life who are unhealthy. All you need to do is spot the signs early on and get out while it's still early. Don't let things drag on! And don't let yourself be unhappy. Your partner should make you happy!


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