- Diseases, Disorders & Conditions
I am a woman with Asperger's Syndrome - Relationship Issues
My obsessions and depressions - how to get that man!?
Firstly I would like to say that people with Asperger's DO want just what everyone else wants, they want friends and they want relationships. It is just that is is harder for us to achieve these things.
We all want a partner, but we know how hard it will be, so some don't bother trying at all, while others are actively searching and longing for someone to be a part of their life.
I sway both ways. Most of the time I don't want the stress of it all so I prefer to stay single. And then something will happen and it is like I've been hit with a bomb of longing and needing for a partner. And it's not easy dealing with that feeling because as an Aspie it is not that easy for me to just go out and get a boyfriend!
What comes along with my longing for a boyfriend is depression usually, and obsession. Two things no one wants to feel at the same time. For me I can easily become obsessed with a guy, a guy that I don't know, and who doesn't know me. A guy I am admiring from afar. The obsession starts slowly but once it's reaching it's breaking point I can't deal with it anymore. I am depressed beyond words because I have no idea how to APPROACH this guy, and even more important I have no idea what I would SAY to him! THIS is what will drive me crazy, for months sometimes..maybe even longer.
I am not always obsessed with a guy, it only happens once a year or less. Thank goodness! Once the obsession starts the only thing to stop it is to know this guy, and figure out if he's interested in me. But if I don't know anyone that knows him, and I can't figure out his name, I won't be able to find out information on him online. Yup. That's what I do, if I can.
I have done some awfully strange things to avoid, at all costs, approaching this person. I have looked in phonebooks for names, I have looked all over online IF I have a name, I have asked people who work with these guys who their names are, then find them online. Then the real strangeness starts as I have just stalked a guy and I am saying hello to him online.
People, this method bombs..its is bad.. don't do it..
Firstly they are wondering the whole time how I found them, how I found out what their name is, and what do I want.
But at least that is enough to stop my obsession. Usually..after some time passes. I can find out enough information about this guy online once I have his name, and the first thing I check is if he's single. But honestly, my obsession will get so bad I will do strange things like this just to find out if the guys single. I will not approach him. Ever.
I've made a few awkward friends doing this, but never got into a relationship. For me the only way I have gotten into relationships is if the guy approaches me.
Being in a romantic relationship
The start of a relationship is always so exciting and new, I can barely contain my happiness! I am on the top of the world! Someone likes me! ME! It is euphoric. But it is so overcoming that I tend to forget about all my issues, which is a bad thing.
I know, standing from afar and not currently being in a relationship, that a new relationship is exciting, and exhilarating and absolutely exhausting! I know that I go and go and go and don't stop, when I should. I know that I overload myself beyond belief and stay up too late and don't give myself any breaks. I know that I will crash, and crash HARD! I know that I will have to tell my boyfriend eventually that I am exhausted and need alone time and I know that from the past once I say those words "alone time" the guy will freak out and think I am going to break up with him. I will try to explain that alone time is needed for me to be healthy, yet the guy will still freak out and might even say "but alone time is UNhealthy!!", which in turn will just anger me.
I know that my boyfriends don't understand me, no matter how many times I will try to explain these things.
Everyone on the spectrum knows how important time outs are! We need alone time and lots of it in order to stay sane. I've never been successful in getting my boyfriends to understand this.
Up until I crash it is wondering though, but I am not listening to my body and mind and giving myself the breaks I need, the quiet time, the full nights sleep because I am too caught up in the fun!
For an Aspie you NEED to listen to yourself. You MUST listen to yourself. And if your partner does not agree with your needs, then get that partner out of your life! Because only more problems will arise.
The whole touching thing
Aspie's don't ALWAYS want to touch, or be touched. It is the same thing as the alone time, there needs to be balance. But we DO need it, when we need it!
We can be very affectionate, caring and loving towards our partners. Not to mention cuddly!
For me, I love the whole touching and kissing thing, but without balance I will lose it and have a meltdown probably. Too much of anything, even if it's good, is a bad thing.
Eventually if there's been too much I will not even want my boyfriend to rub up against me in his sleep in bed without him even knowing it. I will cringe, my skin will crawl, it is awful.
There has been one relationship so far in my life that I was able to do for a long time without getting into meltdown mode. I am pretty sure this guy must have been an Aspie as well because he put absolutely no pressure on me at all, wasn't crowding me and my space EVER, wasn't all over me all the time, and it was just an EASY relationship. We saw each other every week but definitely not every day, and it worked. It worked WELL.
Maybe I should just have a relationship with another Aspie?
I thought about that after I realized I had Asperger's. I thought it was the only way a relationship would actually work. Seek out a person like me! Who has all my problems and issues and who feels just as much an alien on this planet as I do!
But NO! no.....
It's not that easy!
Seeking out a relationship with another Aspie is just like seeking out a relationship with a neurotypical. You two won't be the same, no matter what. You will have your own set of interests, views, annoying ways about you, likes and dislikes. I mean the list goes on and on. Sure being with another Aspie might be easier in the sense that they will share your issues and such, but that doesn't mean you will actually like each other!!
It is hard.. finding someone you really click with.
I think a lot of my past boyfriends have been on the spectrum because I do feel a strange magnetic attraction to certain people. And they are always considered strange or odd. They don't have a lot of friends and really don't have much of a a life, like me. But not everyone knows they are on the spectrum, I didn't until I was in my 30's. So it's hard to know! But I do know that when I feel that super strong magnetic attraction to someone that they may just be on the spectrum as well.
How should I find the right person for me?
Don't ask me!
Sorry, but honestly I believe if it's meant to happen it will happen. You will be thrown together at some point, somewhere. That includes meeting someone online that you automatically click with.
It is harder for us to meet people out there in the world because we are not social and don't like to go to bars or clubs. Well I don't anyway :) So we have less options for meeting someone. It is good to have a friend, just one at least. Maybe they know someone?
I have done the online dating sites and yes I have gotten some boyfriends from there but it is so stressful building up to meeting them in person. Honestly i'd rather meet someone in person and not online first. But as far as FINDING someone, yes online is easier!
And I don't hold anything back on my profiles, I let them know I am on the spectrum and not to bother messaging me if they know nothing about Asperger's. Because it scares a lot of men, I've realized, the ones who don't know anything about it. People should be informed.
Is it possible for someone on the spectrum to be in a successful relationship?
I think so!
Both people need, and i stress the word need, to understand each other and to be as open as possible with one another. Just like with any relationship, there needs to be communication, nothing should be boiling for weeks or months on the inside, you need to let it out, everything. The two have to work hard at learning about each other, as much as they possibly can!
Most importantly know yourself. If you don't even know who you are your partner isn't going to be able to know you either.
The living arrangements, if you are living together, may be looked at as "odd" as a lot of people on the spectrum prefer their own space, having their own bedroom is a lot easier for them. They may also not be able to eat around each other because one may have an adverse reaction to the sounds of chewing! Hey it happens! Honestly they might not do a lot of things together but that is what is making it work.
No one wants to be stressed out in a relationship and Aspie's are stressed out enough as it is so you have to do what you have to do to make everything as comfortable as possible.