I'd rather fail one than fail everyone

Sometimes we are faced with trials and hardships that often leave us feeling as though we are treading water-fighting to keep our head afloat. Not easy, but I’ll take that, for while exhausting, difficult, and trying, it is better than wading in raw sewage. This is what I felt my life had become, which is what I had allowed my life to become. I took in all the crap, believed in it, trusted in it, til I was wading in it. Still, even with no job, no money, no prospects, raising two kids alone, this is treading water compared to what trying to live up to a standard of living or life that would make you love me, worthy of your love, respect, and or acceptance.

My life is not perfect, not every day is about need or want, more like need and need more. Still, it is manageable and still it is far better than wading in raw sewage. I left the cesspool that had become my life, for a life treading water instead. It’s no less work, no less exhausting, and to some, it is still too much…but I’d rather tread water than wade in sewage, trying to be the version of me that you think I should be, ought to be, want me to be, expect me to be.

It doesn’t matter what I used to do, what I’ve endured or allowed in the past. I’m not looking to please anyone other than God, and seeing as I fail everyday to do that, yet, He still manages to love me, then anyone else that can manage to do the same, is just a bonus. Trying to please one that loves me, regardless of how bad, messed up, damaged, broken, and twisted I am, rather than try to please everyone else, is far more pleasant an experience than I ever imagined it could be.

I stopped trying to be, do, say, and live in a manner that others want, expect, think, or believe I should or could. I cannot please everyone all of the time, in fact, at times, I cannot, will not, and don’t, please anyone. I seek to please one-and the last I checked-it wasn’t/isn’t you. Therefore, you worry about you and yours, and I’ll worry about me and mine. I’d rather tread water than wade in the crap that I had allowed to become my life.

I succeed and I fail, at times, fail to succeed, I seek forgiveness and mercy each day. I do the very best I can, still, I fail-because it never fails, I sin every day. Still, I’m forgiven, still, I am loved, and He never fails me in any way, though I fail Him most every day, in almost every way. Yet, still He deems me worthy, He still deems me fit…I’d rather tread in His water than to wade in a cesspool…I’d rather fail one than fail everyone, I’d rather fail the one that never fails to love me, because He never fails to love unconditionally.