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I'm Just A Fool You See

Updated on April 9, 2015

When I was 15 I had both parents and then the next day I lost my dad. My father passed suddenly and in front of me and I tried to do CPR and he seemed to be breathing but he wasn't alive. I hadn't saved him. I couldn't save him. A year after that I was still grieving but by my side all that year had been my girlfriend. She'd gotten me through some dark days and helped me laugh for most of the 365 days that had passed after that. The grief of watching the agony my mom was going through was hard for a 15 year old boy to witness, let alone the loss of a father at an age when you most needed one. My mom was beside herself. I would hold her and hug her as she wore my dad's old golf sweater during those first few weeks. She wouldn't take it off. I guess eventually, the smell of my dad left the sweater and she moved on. It broke my heart and my girlfriend would console my heart. I hoped my mom could find someone to console her heart.

About a year ago today some kid lost his father to suicide in the town I grew up in. My niece knew the kid well. She and her friends were there to console his heart. It really made me feel for that kid. They said he was a sweet boy, and I thought, like I was. They said he was picked on at times, like I was. They said they laughed a lot together and had good times, like my girlfriend and I did. And and... and that would make me feel good. But over the past weekend on the anniversary of that kid's father's suicide, he killed himself. They said he had a great day or seemed to the day before. I bet he did. I bet when he was happy he was really happy, like I was. I'm sure of it. I bet he wanted to be happy. And as happy as he was... that was the full measure of probably how sad he could be.

Right after my dad died and probably for the next 10-15 years I felt like I could've done something. I could have saved him. It was ridiculous. I wasn't responsible for my father's death. But that fact took a long time for me to realize. I couldn't let myself off the hook. And it makes me sad to think if the friends of this kid feel the same way. That they could have done more. Or even about if the kids that might have picked on him felt bad now. Because they shouldn't have picked on someone going through so much. I don't know the details but I know that no one knows why some kids like that kill themselves and some don't. It might be the kid but I think it is more the day or the combination of days or your will. Some things maybe can't be explained? And and... and I know for sure that when no major hurt was done and more so when nothing but the best of intentions was given, that it isn't the fault of those people that one kid is dead and one kid is now a man. Sometimes the efforts pay off and sometimes the effort does not. But don't ever question the effort or blame yourself for loving someone.

Just Breathe (Live At Austin City Limits) - Pearl Jam

Just Breathe Lyrics

Yes I understand that every life must end, aw huh,..
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw huh,..
I’m a lucky man to count on both hands
The ones I love,..
Some folks they got one,
Others they got none, aw huh,..
Stay with me,..
Let’s just breathe.
Practiced are my sins,
Never gonna let me win, aw huh,..
Under everything, just another human being, aw huh,..
Yeh, I don’t wanna hurt, there’s so much in this world
To make me bleed.
Stay with me,..
You’re all I see.
Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean.
I wonder everyday
as I look upon your face, aw huh,..
Everything you gave
And nothing you would take, aw huh,..
Nothing you would take,..
Everything you gave.
Did I say that I need you?
Oh, Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one know this more than me.
As I come clean.
Nothing you would take,..
everything you gave.
Hold me till I die,..
Meet you on the other side.


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    • Winsome profile image

      Winsome 8 years ago from Southern California by way of Texas

      Thanks for the page. I like the consoling the heart part. My Dad left when I was ten. I guess we are all chasing squirrels that aren't there any more.