Imprisoned in Your Own Body
"Most days I feel too insane to even want to be around people... Yet I'm too scared to be alone."
*This is for people who don't quite understand how horribly hard it is to live life with anxiety attacks*
Have you ever suffered from anxiety? Most people that have never had a bad anxiety or panic attack will never understand how it feels to have one. I suffer from them. I'll go, sometimes weeks without having them... To having them for hours every day.
Could you imagine feeling as if you may stop breathing at any moment? Feeling like you can't stand because your mind is so off balance? Shaking and sweating so bad you can't move? Feeling pain in your neck and head that is so bad you want to puke everyday... yet if you don't eat you will pass out from a drop in blood pressure... Begging and pleading with God around the clock to make it stop and to save you from your own personal hell...
I lived that... For three whole weeks.
If you ever had an anxiety attack, you truly experienced prison in your own body. I've went months without leaving my home. I went days, and weeks laying in bed not wanting to do anything or go anywhere. I've had to cancel doing things and going places I wanted to go to because of these attacks. I have felt completely helpless and alone... So empty and cold.
I spent a good year in and out of the ER. I would be in there for lightheadedness and feeling short of breath, or severe neck and head pain. I've had blood work, x-rays and a CAT scan... All saying I was fine. Do you know what its like to feel as if your going to die out of no where and have a doctor tell you nothing is wrong?
There are times when I am extremely angry or extremely scared. I sometimes snap and I can't be around anyone. I almost black out in my own mind. I feel as if I've lost all control over my mind and my body. Pills don't work... Nothing has been able to take this away.
The effects it has on the body is and endless list. After I experience an anxiety attack... I get severe occipital pain and headaches, nausea, extreme fatigue, loss or gain in appetite, muscle twitching and nerve pain, jaw pain, uncontrollable sweating, ... And pretty much for a good 2 days to sometimes a week after having one... I feel completely ill.
From the stress in general I have lost hair, gained 40 pounds, stopped enjoying things I use to, lost my job (which I loved dearly), have stopped going a lot of places, lost friends, missed out on great opportunities, damaged my relationship with my fiance, became fearful of going anywhere to far from home... I can go on and on. Stress and anxiety go hand and hand... and the effects on the body itself, could be life debilitating.
I haven't had much of a life since they have gotten bad. 90% of the time, I'm stuck at home. Sometimes its even bad enough to point where I can't even go shopping for food. I get bouts of pain and dizziness that keep me from being able to be in a car. I haven't even been able to get my license and I'm 23... That alone makes me feel horrible. I always laugh it off... But when people crack on me about it, it hurts because they have no idea how I feel when I'm in a car. There are times when I cry on the freeway because I am so scared. I get horrible visions of car crashes in my head. I have so much fear and most of it is fear of myself, my own body.
I just want to feel normal again...
Anxiety and panic attacks are truly hell and I would never wish them on anyone.
**** It's not worth trying to explain to someone that has never had one, how exactly they feel. I just want people get a better understanding of how life is for a person who goes thru them. For me to wake up everyday and smile, even with going thru all this... Amazes me sometimes. The day I wake up and don't want to live is a day I hope to never see. People have committed suicide over anxiety and panic attacks. Others have ended up in crazy homes because a life with so much fear was unbearable. This is not a joke and for anyone to laugh or joke about anxiety and panic attacks is not only sick, but its heartless. Uncontrollable fear and adrenaline rushes (anxiety/panic attacks) is one of the worst things a person can feel. Sometimes I feel as if I've lost my own mind... Other times I fear my body will give up all together and I will get deathly ill. If someone you love goes thru these... Don't tell them you understand... Don't tell them its all in their head... Just be there for them.